I’ve always been an adventurous type. Always looking for the thrill of a little bit of danger, if you know what I mean. Mostly it's just fantasy, but there are some things in this life I feel you really need to experience firsthand.

That’s why I bought myself this old Volkswagen van from that goblin-looking man who runs the junkyard and have been systematically testing various methods of potential lovemaking with it.

She’s a beaut, ain’t she?

“Ain’t she?” I asked you. Please respond when I tell you to compliment the van.

Yep, I’m a lover, but that doesn't mean I don’t have boundaries. So I set in place this one simple rule to make sure that anytime I am attempting to figure out a way to be erotic with this van, no one is allowed to disturb me. Said erotic experimentation will be signified by a distinct back-and-forth motion perpetuated by the van itself.

Now I know some people are going to take issue with this. After all, as a well-versed van aficionado people will probably be like, “You need to be available to us at all times so we may ask you sexy questions about van life!” Well, I’m sorry, folks, but his is one boundary I cannot cross.

I mean, just imagine it: the van and I are engaged in an intimate display of the raw passion that can only come from the joining of man and machine, when some knucklehead comes a bothering me with some question about how the fan belt feels smacking against buttcheeks. I haven’t gotten that far yet! And now that you’ve thrown off my rhythm, it’ll take me even longer to get there!

At this point, I can guess what you’re probably thinking, “What if it’s an emergency? May we interrupt your van fucking then?” Well, to that I will respond, “It depends on the emergency.”

For instance, have my balls become lodged in the tailpipe again? Then yes, you may bother me as this emergency will have caused the van to cease rocking and also I am likely being horribly burned on my testicles.

Or what if there is a nearby train that is unable to brake and will surely crash into whatever stands in its path, especially orphans? Well, unless the van is currently parked on the railroad tracks, then no, do not make attempts to disrupt the motion of the van.

Are you beginning to see the pattern here?

Though I have made this rule as straightforward as possible, I can understand that there will be an adjustment period. I shouldn’t expect that everyone will train themselves to never bother me during man-on-van sex overnight. But I do feel that, together, we can fulfill my need to be alone with the van for as long as is needed to unlock the core of its undeniable sexual magnetism.

Also, my balls are once again stuck in the tailpipe so now would be a good time to call the ambulance. Don’t worry, they already know the address.