“I never considered [being president]… I thought, ‘Oh gee, I don’t have the experience, I don’t know enough’… And now I’m thinking: ‘oh!’”
-Oprah Winfrey, interviewed by Bloomberg

“I’ve talked about the idea of being president… If there’s anything that I can do with my time and my day to somehow make a difference… imma try to do it. Period.”
-Kanye West, interviewed by BBC Radio 1

When Donald Trump was elected president of the United States, it was inconceivable; for the first time in American history, a celebrity who’d never previously held public office had, overnight, become the leader of the free world. In light of this unprecedented rise to power, now many other famous figures including Oprah and Kanye West have also expressed an interest in running for president. But hear me out: if we’re looking for another celebrity to become president in 2020, there’s only one big star who truly has the potential to mend the fabric of our fraying nation…

I am, of course, referring to myself: the one and only Adam Duritz–lead singer of the 1990’s pop-rock band the Counting Crows.

Think about it. When you hear the phrases “consummate professional,” “the voice of a generation,” “one of the five creative minds behind Shrek 2’s Academy Award-nominated song ‘Accidentally in Love,’” and “gubernatorial,” who do you think of first? That’s right. Adam. Effing. Duritz. And sure, I may not necessarily know all of the quote, unquote “ins-and-outs” of Washington D.C., but if Kanye and Oprah are already considering a campaign… I’d be an absolute fool not to throw my sweat-stained Rasta hat into the political ring.

Not convinced? Here are just a few of the many ways that I, Adam Duritz, lead singer of the Counting Crows, am equipped to run for president of the United States:

  • I have a lot of free time because the Crows aren’t getting as many gigs as they used to.
  • I wouldn’t have to clear music rights with the Counting Crows if I wanted to use one of their songs during a campaign rally.
  • My band’s wildly successful 1993 smash single “Mr. Jones” could probably be used as an allegory for Alex Jones.
  • I dated Jennifer Aniston back in 1995 so, you know, there’s that.
  • I have enough money saved up to cover my own transportation costs.

I can almost see one of my campaign rallies now. I’d start off by talking about border control, health care, abortion and other “presidential” issues like that. But then, after all that boring political stuff, I’d bring out Vanessa Carlton and the rest of the Crows and we’d sing “Big Yellow Taxi” while the secret service blasted t-shirt cannons into the audience. These t-shirts would have a picture of my face on the front and the text “Duritz 2020” all over the sleeves (and they would look incredible). And then, finally, after the crowd has broken into an uncontrollable frenzy, that’s when I’d yell over their deafening screams of joy: “Hey America, don’t be a crow… I’m counting on you to vote for me, Adam Duritz.”

Wow. That slogan just gave me a serious case of the goose pimples. I mean, if someone ever said that something like that to me, I’d definitely give the guy a fighting chance. So come on America, consider your options. If, in three years time, you’re just going to choose another random, uninformed celebrity like Oprah or Kanye to become the most-powerful person on Earth… why not at least choose the one celebrity who actually deserves it: Adam “The Great Unifier” Duritz.

See you at the polls, Crow-bros!