It seems like every Democratic candidate is hellbent on stopping, if not reversing, climate change. Granted, between the long droughts and the historical hurricanes and the baffling election results, things are getting a little dicey. While I want to be on the side that says NO to widespread famine and global destabilization, I must be on the side that says YES to a surging feral pig/hog/boar population.

What does climate change have to do with it? For one, our toasty winter months are allowing more piglets to survive. More piglets mean more feral pigs! In 1980, there were feral pigs in just 17 states. Take a second to let that sink in. Less than thirty years ago, there were 33 sad states without a single wild pig. Imagine generations of children born into this tragic existence. They lived their whole lives without seeing feral hogs wallowing in thigh-high mud or defecating in pristine reservoirs. It was a life, sure, but only technically. Good news… feral pigs are now in 39 states. Thank you, climate change! You spoil us with this superabundance of invasive swines.

Now, feral pigs may be pretty damn near perfect, but, admittedly, there are a few drawbacks. For instance, they really love eating stuff. Wheat, grapes, lambs, they don’t give a shit what’s in front of them, they just eat it. In addition to the crop devastation, they are no friend to the groundskeeper. There’s no way to sugarcoat it, the rooting, trampling, and wallowing is a major pain in the ass—especially when it leads to so many ditch-related injuries during youth soccer. For the moment, let’s leave aside the fact that they carry diseases capable of infecting our livestock because—as everybody knows—we can always just give the cattle more antibiotics. The fact is that every creature presents a unique set of annoyances. For my money, the feral pig is no more of a nuisance than, say, a Dalmatian or a fat squirrel.

Even though the aforementioned issues are small prices to pay for such a handsome, fertile, anarchic beast, the large community of feral pig supporters is reasonable. Just because we encourage their expansion doesn’t mean we’re against killing them. In fact, that’s one of the best parts about the feral hog explosion. Texas has so many hogs now that you can legally shoot them from helicopters. I’m sorry, is that a problem? Do people wish we had fewer animals that we can legally shoot from helicopters? If you don’t like fields overrun with wild pigs, don’t preach to me about solar power; get on a chopper and grab a gun.

God-willing, with time, we will have wild pigs in every state, maybe even every town. You’ll see them on the drive to the supermarket or on your walk to the bathroom. We’ll have feral pigs in every country field, city street, and office cubicle. At that point, when we’re swimming in feral pigs, we’ll wonder how the hell we ever lived without them. Yes, let’s tackle climate change, but let’s do so at the appropriate time. We can’t stop warming now—not when we’re so close to the once impossible dream of having feral pigs in all 50 states. What’s the old saying—if an invasive two-hundred-pound beast is thriving in your rotting ecosystem, don’t change a thing? Its something like that, and it definitely applies to this situation right here.

See new PIC posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Sign up for satire writing or improv classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.