To the Sales Team at Jarvis Motors off Route 1,

I will not be issuing the refund for my services, as has been requested.

My declaration scrawled on the conference room wall that, “Teamship is dead,” was both grammatically and objectively incorrect, as you all proved by overcoming the series of hurdles I put you through. My approach to getting the sales staff “choo-chooing” together towards a common goal may have been “extreme,” “traumatic,” and “the cause of $367 in damages,” but I succeeded in my mission.

Really, if anyone should be paying, it’s Steve. If you choose to pursue reparations from him, I believe his phone number adorns the women’s restroom under the heading, “Steve the triple-nippled Judas piece of shit.”

Your collaboration in apprehending me really drove home what teamwork is all about.

I apologize for my response when Kyle from pre-owned asked how my rant that Steve’s dog probably got cancer just to escape his lame suburban split-level was relevant. It was rude of me to say that his face is a split-level and I’d get eye cancer just to stop looking at it. However, your team’s genuine compliments to Kyle demonstrated my point about lifting each other up much better than the exercise I had planned, “light as a feather, stiff as a board.”

Typically, I would have illustrated that communication happens in a variety of ways by having the team silently arrange themselves in alphabetical order by middle name. However, that point was driven home just as well when I declared that I would, “burn this place to the fucking ground,” if another person interrupted me as I listed the myriad ways Steve is a terrible teammate on the whiteboard. The team was prompted to use nonverbal communication to silently remove the Betty Boop lighter from my purse and alert the floor manager to the situation developing.

I hope you hold onto both the lesson and the list, going forward.

While it is true that stabbing each and every balloon on the showroom floor and likening it to Steve stabbing me in the back when he abruptly abandoned me to join the polo-clad dweebs at DreamTeamz LLC was loud and made no less than three children cry, I stand by it. As I was later being removed from the premises, I saw your team working together to fill the space with old cutouts of Mr.Jarvis while other team-members inflated new balloons. That is exactly the kind of divide and conquer strategy I would have gone over in a game of “the floor is lava.”

Adversity truly is the greatest educator, a lesson Steve and his budding family will not learn with their cushy new “health insurance.”

I acknowledge that my words and actions pertaining to your team were uncouth, especially saying it was “going to shit,” and my subsequent attempt to defecate on a pre-owned Jeep, but since I didn't have a bowel movement at the ready, ultimately deciding to wipe my rear across the windshield before running into the lot and hissing at customers. Your collaboration in apprehending me really drove home what teamwork is all about: you used clear and calm communication to encircle and detain me and trusted in each other when new challenges arose.

I saw Jason commend Linda for her ingenuity in attempting to use her scarf as a lasso and thought it was a great example of pointing out the positive, a key part of the five finger contract I would have concluded my workshop with had I not been left high and dry by the traitor of the century: Steve.

I may have declared myself a lone wolf, and then begun howling and chomping at leather interiors, but I think we can all agree that I succeeded in bringing this team together, and everything that went awry was ultimately Steve’s fault.

Stacy Fuccillo
Founder and CEO Team Train LLC
“Team training that gets your wheels turning!”