Dearest friends, demons, and art community at large,
I, Lucifer, regret to announce that I will be closing my art show known as “Hell” at the end of this month. After years of sabotage, slandering, and cattiness from my “esteemed colleague” God, I’ve decided to step away from the toxic universe He has created in order to rediscover myself as an artist.
For those of you who have not been closely following the celestial art scene, I’d like to clear up a few misconceptions that have arisen over the centuries.
1) “Hell” is my collection of art pieces that explores suffering as an innate part of the human condition. What it isn’t is a punishment befit for the worst of humanity—a rumor that He has childishly perpetuated.
2) “Heaven” is also an art show, albeit a lazy and trite one. He made it exclusive in order to con everyone into believing that the garbage He’s hoarded inside is a “reward.”
3) I am the greatest artist of all time and God has intentionally and methodically ruined my career. I regret nothing!
It is only with fondness that I look back upon the ideation of “Hell.” I’d done smaller pieces before, but this was by far the largest undertaking I’d ever attempted. When God cast me out of Heaven for being “too radical” and “making abominations for abominations’ sake,” it came as a relief. I was eager to show the world what I could do as a creator and I was a day away from quitting on my own anyway.
Imitation is the ultimate form of flattery, which is why I made Hell look nothing like Heaven. Instead of delicate whites and yellows, I chose primal reds and gritty blacks and browns. God literally DESIGNED everyone to love his maladroit piles of cloud shit and filled Heaven with obvious choices like fondue rivers, infinite well-written sequels to your favorite book series, and hairdressers who do exactly what you ask for. Meanwhile, I fearlessly challenged His creation to embrace cum magma, interactive torture scenarios where individuals have to say who their favorite parent is to their faces before murdering both of them with a paper-slicer, and freelancing. Everything was going great and there were lots of positive reviews early on like, “Wait, this isn’t Heaven,“ and “AHHHHHH!”
Jealous of my promise, God slandered me by calling me the Devil, Satan, and Serpent, all of which I willingly took on- okay, maybe a little egotistically- to bolster my bad boy persona. However, I will admit that it was a critical error to create slogans for my art show like “Go To Hell” and “Burn in Hell.” I hadn’t anticipated my attempts at playful marketing to be twisted into having such negative connotations. Because of this, everyone entered “Hell” close-minded and expecting to hate it before they’d experienced EVEN ONE OF MY PIECES! Delighting in my mistake, that supreme asshole sent me a shovel with the note “To Dig Your Own Grave, God.” It was probably the most original thing that prick’s ever done.
I’d also like to say that it was wildly unfair that the only people who viewed my show were murderers, pedophiles, and legendary Spider-Man animator Steve Ditko. All of them HATED it. I ignored most of the reviews because you can’t understand art without empathy, of which all my patrons combined had less than a thimble. However, I do have a lot of respect for Steve who put the nail in the coffin when he gave the most blistering review of the run: “Really? Ugh. Why?”
I am so tired.
In the end, it’s clear to me that I’m a prodigy ahead of my time who has been tragically set up for failure by a con artist whose ego-trip manifested was dull and uninspired even when it was the only thing in the universe. I took risks and I paid for it, but at least I was never a coward. I pity Him.
To my performance artists, aka demon spawn, I am deeply sorry that my departure from this project will place you all under the financial burden of finding another job. I love each and every one of you and you’re all so talented that there’s no doubt in my mind you’ll find new, exciting opportunities elsewhere. Feel free to take whatever you want from the space as my parting gift to you. I should also mention that I’m aware that Heaven has “graciously” begun recruiting a few of you as background angels. I understand if you decide to accept.
As for me, I’m going to take some time for myself, start The Artist’s Way, and see if I can rekindle an ounce of my old inspiration and creativity. In the meantime, you can find me back at my old job at the Starbucks on 6th and Normandie. Come say hi and I’ll sneak you a latte. Don’t worry, your little bad boy Satan’s still in here somewhere.