I am the Phoenix.

I am a large, beautiful bird with glistening feathers of red and gold which caught the attention of the sun.

I also caught the attention of Ben Affleck.

I am a symbol of resurrection, rebirth, strength, power, light, energy, and passion. On Ben’s back.

Like the Phoenix, a powerful bird of beauty and grace, I am immortal. Provided you slather me with sunblock before spending extended time in the sun. Like, had Ben had me that time he was on a boat in the sun with J. LO. in the “Jenny from the Block” video, I would’ve needed to be slathered with a minimum of SPF 30.

I yearn to be moist. Fortunately for me, Ben Affleck loves having a moist back. Recall in Argo how he was sad that one time in the hotel in Iran because his back was dry.

I am ink. I am love. I am inky love. I am lovey ink. I am the child of ink, love, and Leonardo DaVinci's Mona Lisa. It was a three-way. A passionate one. That resulted in the conception of a flaming bird. That is on Ben Affleck’s back.

I am also a Hidden Pictures page from Highlights Magazine. Can you find these hidden objects in me? Toothbrush, Spatula, Comb, Wedge of Lemon, Fork, Ice-Cream Cone, Mitten, Teacup, Light bulb, Sailboat, Acorn, and Kite.

Wash me thrice a day. Let me air dry. Don’t soak me. My colors might bleed. Like Ben Affleck in The Departed. Wait that was Matt Damon. Never mind.

Look at me upside down and I become the illustrated narrative of Ben’s epic friendship with Matt Damon: from their early childhood days in Cambridge to swift Good Will Hunting success to their days as Hollywood leading men.

I need to be moistened. I must stay moist.

When Ben first got me, he had his personal assistant rub me with Vitamin A & D ointment twice a day for three days. This kept me moist and prevented flaking. However, on the fourth day, Ben’s assistant had the day off and he neglected to rub me with Vitamin A & D ointment. I expelled pus and Ben had to consult a physician.

I am enormous.

I am never afraid. Except that time when I expelled pus.

I am also one of those Magic Eye things that were big in the 90s. Look at me. Let your eyes slowly unfocus and then refocus as you stare not at me, but through me. You will see Morgan Freeman and Ben as they appeared in the movie poster for The Sum of All Fears. You will also see your future. And the future of humanity. It is Morgan Freeman and Ben in the movie poster for The Sum of All Fears.

Rub me once a week with Aquaphor or some other water-based non-scented ointment like Aveeno or Lubriderm to keep me moist and prevent flaking. And I will never fade. Like Ben's love for J.Lo. I'm not kidding. Would I kid about something like that?

I am costly. In fact, I cost way more than you think. But money is of no consequence when you are Ben Affleck. I mean, he has an assistant whose only job is to slather me with Vitamin A & D ointment so I stay moist. THAT WAS HIS ONE JOB!

I hope to never expel pus again.

I am coveted by mankind. Mankind like Adam Levine and David Beckham and Rihanna. They all covet me. I swear.

Like most, I love to say the word “moist.”

I am the Phoenix. And still I rise.

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.