Hey peeps! Now we all know how to make a good old fashioned humble pie. It’s so easy! Even Adam Driver baked one when he came over my large home today. Yeah, it’s a total breeze for everyone except me. I can’t make one because I’m allergic to straightforward communication.

I’m also allergic to other humble pie ingredients like truth and sincerity—guess that’s why I stay so skinny and important sounding! Why me?!?!? #ThisIsTorture

It’s brutal. The only thing I can bake is humblebrag pie. And oh man. When you become the humblebrag pie guy, people constantly hound you to bake them one. Like Kate Upton. She’s the worst! Haha! I miss Kate. We haven’t hung out lately because I was forced to go to Aruba for work. #SoUnfair #StupidParadise #IKnowKateUpton

Yeah, it’s so annoying. Everyone’s always like, NO, you HAAAVE to enter the Humblebrag Pie Contest! Ha. And so I do, and it’s a giant nightmare, because the first place trophy barely fits in my BMW Z4 roadster with Vernasca leather. #SoCramped #FML

It’s crazy, at first I tried following the directions in a cookbook, but then I got totally distracted and wrote my own book that’s coming out in two weeks via HarperCollins. My A.D.D. sucks! AHHH! GRRRR! #Cursed #Author

To be honest, I actually don’t even like baking, but my opulent parents made our live-in chef teach me…or did I learn it at Stanford? #HowEmbarrassing #AWKWARD #LivingHell

Okay, let’s get back to the thing that’s not about me but inevitably is. Here are your ingredients to the most disingenuous dessert ever:

  • 3-4 fresh brags (sincerity peeled off)
  • 1lb bag of raw insecurity
  • 1 teaspoon artificial sweetener
  • 72 teaspoons artificial sweetener
  • 4 cups imitation modesty
  • Pinch of hoodwink
  • A two-faced face
  • Quart of pseudo self-deprecation
  • Chunks of real glib
  • Hubris flakes
  • Powdered flimflam
  • As many name droppings as ya got
  • 2-3 non-sequitur hashtags
  • Additional sugarcoating as needed

Now once you’ve gathered up your smarmy ingredients, here’s how to concoct a mouth-watering misdirect that’ll disguise your accomplishments as problems:

  1. Take seemingly negative situations and mix thoroughly with complaints, false modesty and your achievements
  2. Spread phoniness evenly throughout
  3. Layer bullcrap on extra-thick
  4. To keep brag moist, sprinkle guile generously
  5. Transfer petty anecdotes from bowl of subterfuge to bed of deception
  6. Heat right up to near the point of believability
  7. Bake until brags are evenly flakey and braggy
  8. Once baked, dust with smattering of guise
  9. Drizzle condescending tone on top for good measure
  10. Let cool over an open surface such as Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.

Alright everybody, now that you have the secret recipe for serving something truly self-serving, get out there and prop yourself up with fictitious troubles! Oh, and if you get so full of yourself that you start choking to death on your own flesh and Olivia Wilde drives you to the emergency room in your BMW, you’re on the right track!

Please be sure to leave your praise in the comments section below! And don’t miss next week, when I boast about my famous Double Dutch Humblebrag Pie—double the brags, zero the humble!

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.