By Nancye Mucciarone

Looking back at the weekends of first semester, it seems that every Thursday, Friday, or Saturday night, at least one girl out of my group of collegiate buddies hooked up with a guy. It also seems that every Friday, Saturday, or Sunday morning, we spent far too much time analyzing what happened with these hookups the night before. Chugging water and throwing back Advil, we would sit in one of our rooms and gush about the details of the newest guy and explain all of the fabulous promises he had made.

Unfortunately, it seems that these same guys—who we thought might be “different from the last”—occupied far more of our conversations a week later when they never called. After scrutinizing and evaluating each of their words, actions, and drunken muttering, we wondered why each guy said one thing yet did another. I’ve concluded that discussing these guys occupies far too much of my valuable time, which I could have spent drinking wine, reading Cosmo, and flirting with the cute Italian kid who doesn’t speak English on the fourth floor.

So in order to save myself, my friends, and college girls around the country, I have put together the most valuable thing that any girl will ever need: A list of what a college guy says and what he really means.

“I really want to, but if you don’t then I totally respect that.”

“Things are going really well with us, but I still have feelings for my ex, and I want to slow things down with you because I care about you.”“Listen, bitch. If you honestly think that you’re sleeping over after a sub-par hand job, you have another thing coming to you. I called you to come over here for one reason: sex. I don’t care about your morals, I don’t care about your shitty ex-boyfriend who made you scared to ‘get hurt again’ or whatever bullshit you were just muttering, all I want to do is get laid. If you cannot provide that then get the fuck out of my bed. Pick your battles. Either get on top and do me like you’re supposed to or face a freezing cold walk home ALONE in the dark. …Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

“I’ve hooked up with you at least three times so I know you’re hot, but under no circumstances do I want to see or speak to you other than when I’m drunk texting you, drunk dialing you, or drunk fucking you. I know you are going to continue hooking up with me, so I just needed a good excuse to keep things from escalating to anything remotely close to a relationship. Still, you must think that I’m both honest and emotional, so I know you’re not going to judge me or be mad that I’m not sleeping over, right? You’re fun when I’m bombed, but sleeping in my own bed, alone, post-ejaculation, is even more fun.”

“I’m not like every other guy, I promise. I can’t believe you would even think that!”

“I’m not like every other guy, I promise. They are a lot stupider than I am because they actually show you their real motives. On the other hand, I’m fantastic at making you believe that I truly like you and want to start a relationship with you, when really, I don’t even know your last name. In fact, I can’t even believe we’re having this conversation. Why do you care if I’m like every other guy? You aren’t here to evaluate my disposition, you’re here to do the dirty. Get to it.”

“I’m so drunk.”

Prior to sex: “If I can’t get it up, it’s because I’m drunk, not because I have some type of erectile dysfunction, so don’t go and tell your friends that. Also, don’t you dare tell your friends that I took advantage of you. For all I know, you could be some fat chick who is taking advantage of me. I can’t see straight, so I don’t even know what you look like. This is a prime example of a guy with beer goggles. Don’t call me tomorrow because this is a drunk hookup. Unless you’re hot.

Immediately following sex: “If I just made some weird animal noises or did some freaky shit, it’s because I’m drunk. If I told you anything that might make you think that I like you, it’s because I’m drunk. If I pass out soon and start snoring and drooling, it’s because I’m drunk.

A week after sex: “Please don’t talk to me. That was a mistake. I’m busy trying to mack on some other girl right now. You’re cock-blocking me hardcore. Keep your phone on though, because if this conquest doesn’t work out, you’ll probably get a drunk dial later on.”

“I don’t have a cell phone, so I’ll Facebook you.”

“I’m a creep. I’m a creepy loser with no phone, no friends, and no dignity. Run from me, please. Immediately.”

“Sorry I haven’t called you lately, finals week is killer. Let’s get together soon.”

“I thought for sure there was something better around the corner after you! Unfortunately, I was wrong. I’ve been in a slump since we had drunk sex in my dorm room, and I’m getting pretty sick of telling my roommate to leave the room so I can jack off. Maybe we can redeem the meaninglessness of our last encounter, say, tonight around 3am? I’ll call you.”

“Text me when you get home.”

“I’m too much of an asshole to walk you back to your dorm, but I don’t want you to know that. Instead, I’ll try to vindicate myself by pretending that I’m concerned with your well-being. In reality, I’m shutting off my phone right now so I can go back to sleep, since you robbed me of that by taking up an entire eighth of my bed last night. Have a nice life though, I’m sure I’ll never see you ever again.”

“You’re just so…different from all the other girls.”

“You are different from the other girls. In fact, you’re so different that you actually want to talk to me and get to know me instead of just doing me like you’re supposed to. As a result of this unfortunate verbal situation you’ve put me in, I’m going to do all that I can to make you think that I am, indeed, intrigued by your personality. If all goes as planned, you’ll be walking back to your dorm room in exactly 43 minutes. Text me when you get there.”