Hey honey! Hope you don’t mind me taking out the—oop! Are you in one of those Zooms? You—what? No, I just didn’t hear you, over the sound of all the marbles I just dropped. You’re on a call? Okay, well don’t worry about me, I’ll be quiet. Just gotta do some chores! The old balls and chains, haha. Sorry sorry, I’ll really be quiet. Really. You won’t even know I’m here.

Boy, the recycling bin is a real feisty one today, isn’t he! Forgot I ate three cans of soup (Tuscan white bean, if you were wondering) last night and also decided to get rid of my old tambourine collection. Man, we’ve really done a good job making sure to buy things in glass bottles instead of plastic. I hope this isn’t making too much noise for you and your call. Who is it that you’re calling again? The what? Your job? Jeez, okay! Looks like someone’s in a bad mood today. By the way, have you seen my old harmonica around anywhere? I swear I left it in my dresser drawer with my kazoo and my whoopee cushions but I can’t find them anywhere. It’s like someone took them—did you leave the front door open last night or something?

Oh also, babe? Would you mind if I ran the lawnmower in here for a bit? The engine is all clogged up and it has trouble starting in the cold. It might take a couple tries to get started, but I think that it’d be a lot easier to start her up in here than outside. Pretty chilly out there—bad for the chain grease. But it’s nice and cozy in here. No need for space when you’re in love! You know what they say: the fewer the rooms, the stronger the marriage. Oh, you don’t want to talk? Still in your meeting? Man, they’re really grinding you to the bone, aren’t they. Keep your head up, champ!

Hey babe, can we talk? It’s just… Well, I wanted to apologize for that time I sang “Sweet Child of Mine” at the top of my lungs while you were giving a presentation. I was just trying to impress you, but I shouldn’t have done it right behind you, where all of your co-workers could see. That was my bad. How do the kids say it? That wasn’t “woke” of me. Hope I don’t get canceled!

Oh also, since we’re doing apologies, I also wanted to apologize for wearing my tap shoes today. It’s been forever since I put these babies on, and I was just trying to take a trip down old memory lane—you know, back when I was the star of my tap troupe? You remember, the practices were in our living room right around when you were putting our baby to sleep. Anyway, I know that you’re trying to work, and I should have been more conscious of that. I’ll take them off now and replace them with my triple-velcro ones that I’ll strap and unstrap a few times just to make sure they still hold.

Wait wait, babe—before I go, do you know where the blender is? I can never find it. What? Well then mute yourself! Fine, fine, I’ll let you get back to work. Tell everyone I say hi! Ha. ha. Just kidding. They don’t know me. Oh—I meant to tell you—I’m gonna unload the dishwasher about five feet away and dump all the silverware out on the counter in one go. What? For efficiency, that’s why. Focus on your meeting! We need you to get a big raise this year so that we can save some money and buy a new, quieter garbage disposal!

Anyway, I’m gonna do a Zumba in here in like five, just as a quick heads up. Zoomba, right? God, we’re so lucky we can spend all this time together.


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