Doctor Snuggles, a small, 2-year-old, pure-white Bichon-Frise, is the perfect dog for any household. He’s had all his shots, is housebroken, has a very lovable and funny personality and only eats dead dogs. He also doesn't jump on the furniture. Free to a good home!

Doctor Snuggles has been neutered, of course. And he is great with children—even dead children! But seriously, he has no interest in eating or biting any humans. It’s totally not his thing. His thing is being fluffy.

Doctor Snuggles likes to be walked at least two times a day and is super submissive to living dogs. He never tugs on his leash, unless he crosses paths with an older dog he thinks might be close to death.

Don’t worry, his name is flexible. If you don’t like Doctor Snuggles, you can rename him! He will answer to pretty much anything because he is a very good boy as long as you feed him a cup and a half of wet blended dead dog, twice a day. (Otherwise, his fur gets less shiny.)

The feeding process is pretty simple. Have you ever gone “gluten-free”? This is just like that, only you have a giant freezer full of dead dogs.

Ideally, take one small or one-half medium sized dog out of your freezer and run it through your food processor. But you don’t even have to blend it. Doctor Snuggles is happy to suck on the dead dog until it softens, so whatever’s easiest for you! And he makes the cutest, snuffly wet noises while he rips the meat from the bone. You’ll just want to hug him to bits!

Oh, and he responds perfectly to commands like “Stop,” “Roll Over,” and “Shake.” This is a big hit at parties! Everyone loves Doctor Snuggles. Do not command Doctor Snuggles to play dead.

Also, the freezer part is actually really important. If you don’t keep the dead dogs in the freezer, Doctor Snuggles will devour all the dogs in one sitting. He really is a huge pig. Aren’t you? Aren’t you my little pig?

You have a small freezer? That’s totally fine! I’ll give you my freezer! I won’t need it anymore.

Look, all pets have quirks. Some people own snakes! And what do snakes eat? Mice! Rats! You have to go to the store and buy dead mice and rats! Isn’t that weird? And snakes don’t love you or cuddle you or give you sweet happy little kisses like Doctor Snuggles does. It makes it all worth it. And his breath is terrific—really! He doesn’t even have dog breath!

Come on! Take him! Take my dog!

If you come and pick up this lovable dog today, I will give you two dead dogs, free.

Please? The shelters won’t take him. Please.

Serious inquiries only. $150.00 rehoming fee, non-negotiable.

See new PIC posts via Twitter, Facebook, or email.

Sign up for comedy writing or stand-up classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.