Charcoal Toothpaste

For a mere $30, this toothpaste boasts its natural ability to clean and whiten your teeth, but, before you get too excited, just remember that you’re essentially voluntarily putting chimney soot into your mouth. Yuck. Anyways, didn’t your mom just buy Crest toothpaste in bulk at Costco? Sure you can’t read half the ingredients on the label and might be suffocating a baby penguin with the excess sodium monofluorophosphate leaking into the ocean, but at least you’re staying minty fresh.

Seaweed Face Mask

Ah, seaweed—the dandelion of the ocean. There’s a chance that this stuff will clean out your pores as well as the Biore strips, but, in the process, you risk accidentally swallowing a sea spider (famous for laying larvae in seaweed). Gross, right? On one hand, Biore strips are tested on poodles that fail out of show dog training, but, on the other hand, your skin has literally never looked this clear.

Deodorant Made From Essential Oils

You know that one guy at the office who always smells like he cooked an enchilada inside of an old gym sock? That might as well be you the second you snag a pot of natural deodorant from the farmer’s market. Natural deodorant sounds appealing the same way that natural childbirth does: you’re all for it until the second you actually give it a try. Let me say this one a little louder for the people in the back: natural deodorant doesn’t work. And it literally never will.

Coffee Grounds Body Scrub

With winter approaching, your chapped skin is practically begging for a little extra attention. Made from a something that you’d normally scoop into your garbage, you can have all the fun of getting a rug burn PLUS smell like a Starbucks for the next two weeks. It works just as well as that synthetic plastic body scrub from CVS, you’ll tell yourself, but we both know that’s not true. Try it for a week, give up, and leave the mostly-unused tub in your guest bathroom to impress visitors.

Shampoo Made Out Of Jellyfish

Created by the people who brought you Goop and children named after fruit; this shampoo is sure to wow you. Made from decapitated jellyfish, this 100% natural product will make your hair silky smooth. The one catch? After every use, Gwyneth Paltrow has to come pee on your head so that the jellyfish poison doesn’t kill you. Once that becomes too tedious and expensive to sustain, come join the other quitters by the Pantene sodium lauryl sulfate shampoo products that almost definitely are responsible for the melting ice caps. We’ll be waiting.