Finding love is hard. And we, the makers of Love is Blind, want people to be happy. So we've decided to make finding love so much harder.

On our television show, we will give single people a chance to get to know each other and fall in love by making sure they are distracted by a bunch of petty in-fighting and random side-eye.

They'll have to consider carefully and make the biggest decision of their life. And it makes sense to us that they'll have to do that while being totally exhausted and super hungry.

We're basically like a modern Cupid, if he replaced his arrows with a ton of pressure and golden goblets filled with booze.

We are aware that marriage under the best of circumstances often fails. But we are still going to say, with a straight face, that forcing contestants to commit to a life-long partnership in just a few weeks without even seeing the other person or daylight is about creating happy marriages and not about getting a sweet, sweet ratings boost and stirring up a ton of drama.

Clearly, you can trust us. Because we've hired the perfect representatives of love to host our show, with the next best thing to Eros himself: a guy who keeps referencing his days in a boy band.

And we honestly care about the contestants and believe in love. It's not our fault that viewers find our testament to love entertaining because it's an entertaining set-up designed to fail in a fiery, public explosion of tears, name-calling, and hopefully a few homophobic slurs.

Obviously, sex is a big part of finding love. That's why we very much have to ask these people to reveal whether or not they had sex, how much sex they had, and how the sex was, in detail, while wearing only swimsuits. It's not exploitation when it's part of a noble search for love.

Yes, even the close-up butt shots.

To prove that we care, we are going to rely on one of the biggest love clichés. No, not “love is patient,” because we clearly aren't. And not “love hurts,” because that's an Everly Brothers' song, though that one makes some sense, especially with the death threats.

No, we're going with “love is blind.” Only inner beauty matters in the pursuit of love. Of course, everyone involved in this show will have to wear makeup at all times and look adorable even while working out, crying, or drinking, which are the only things they will do.

If any of the contestants somehow make it to the altar, we will then force them to give a surprise “I do” or “I don't” in front of their closest family and friends. Again, it's not about entertainment or public embarrassment. It's about our very lofty love experiment, which just happens to be dramatic and publicly embarrassing for everyone there, including long-suffering parents and trusting very innocent-looking grandparents and dogs.

Don't worry. The participants will have their chance to respond to the public in a healing reunion. The sit-down will be about closure and catharsis, not naming and shaming. Of course, the naming and shaming will happen too. But we really only care about the future. In fact, we care so much that we're going to put even more pressure on these people by bringing up yet another huge life decision - the choice to have children - on semi-live television. And we're going to do that repeatedly.

Whoever's still standing at the end will win the ultimate prize: love. And it doesn't matter that that love will weirdly look like a ratings ploy built on a legally-binding marriage to a virtual stranger and a lifetime of public scrutiny. After all, love makes life worth living, even when our version of it includes actual threats of not living.