OneBeautyInclusiveSwim is a size-inclusive swimwear company for bodies of all shapes and sizes (within reason). With Summer coming up, here are answers to our most frequently asked questions.

Q: Your website says that you’re size inclusive, but you only go up to size L. Are you out of stock of larger sizes?

A: Great question! We have a proprietary sizing guide that’s a little different than other, less inclusive brands. Our pieces come in 7 sizes: infinitesimal, extra extra small, extra small, small, small plus, small double plus, medium (but still small), and “large!”

Q: Your large size looks pretty small. What’s your sizing guide?

A: We pride ourselves on making our sizing easy to understand. Here’s a simple comparison chart for the sizes of our bottoms. Just find what object most closely matches the size of your waist to get your personalized, recommended size.

  • A tardigrade — I
  • A pin on the head of which 10,000 thin angels are dancing — XXS
  • A dehydrated alfalfa sprout — XS
  • The handle of a biodegradable spork — S
  • A baby carrot — S+
  • An adult carrot — S++
  • A paper towel tube — M (BSS)
  • An American Girl doll or larger — “L”

Q: If I sat on Molly: An American Girl for two seconds, my ass would crush her into powder. What size bottoms fit me?

A: It seems unlikely that any of our body-positive and beautiful customers are larger than an 18” doll. That being said, if you are in this rare category, we have an option that should work for you. Our stunning, desert camouflage CurveLuv beach towel can be wrapped around your body as coverage in a pinch. You’ll blend right in at (and with) the beach.

Q: I tried the “L” and it disintegrated into a fine mist when I tried to get it over my calf muscle. What is your return policy?

A: We are so sorry that your body could not accommodate our piece. We are unable to offer returns or exchanges, but if you would like to collect the floating particles of Lycra and mail them back to us at your expense, we will be happy to mail you a photo of a smaller person wearing the piece and looking smug and gorgeous in it

Q: Your tops don’t appear to have multiple sizes. How can I find a top that fits me?

A: Our tops do not need to come in different sizes because everyone who wants to wear a bikini top has two breasts spaced equidistant on their chest that are the exact circumference and firmness of two identical California mandarins.

Q: I got one nipple into the bikini top before it ripped in two, then pinged across the room like I had fired it out of a T-shirt cannon. What do you recommend for a better fit?

A: Prayer.

Q: Your top fits my perfectly symmetrical mandarin boobs like a dream! But the top also seems to have come with seven extra straps and ties attached. How does this work?

A: Nothing says Hot Girl Summer more than looking like a trussed beef roast ready to be chucked on the grill! Here’s a 45 minute YouTube video where we show you how to tie yourself in so many knots that even an Eagle Scout couldn’t get you out of there.

Q: Do you sell any one-piece swimsuits or separates with more coverage?

A: Absolutely not. Nobody should feel uncomfortable showing 100% of their most intimate body parts on the beach–regardless of activity, weather conditions, or personal preference. We empower you by only offering swim separates at the amazing price of $69.99 per piece.

Q: What patterns and colors do you offer?

A: Designed to flatter any shape or skin color, we offer tops and bottoms in solid pastel pink, pastel pink horizontal stripes, or with pink hibiscus flowers that say “EMPOWERED WOMEN EMPOWER WOMEN” on them that are centered directly over your butthole and/or nipples.

Q: Where are your products made?

A: Our swim separates are made by #strong #girlbosses just like you in our factory in Bangladesh.

We’re so confident that you’ll look and feel your best in our incredible and inclusive swimwear that we offer our Lifetime Promise: No matter what your body type is, we promise to stalk your Instagram targeted ads until your dying day.

Happy Summer!