4:03 AM

The earliest time, and it’s not even close. What could you possibly be up to?

4:00 AM

Good morning, you go-getter, you! This is the time CEOs tell people they should wake up if they want to be successful.

5:00 AM

Catching the sunrise? Driving to hockey practice? This is the third least-late time ever invented!

6:30 AM

This is a good time to wake up if you think you’re better than other people.

6:00 AM

It seems like you probably just want to get up this early. You must either be old or your life sucks. Or both.

7:00 AM

This is a good time to wake up if you think you’re better than other people but you’re not gonna like, make a big deal about it or anything.

7:26 AM

Exactly the same lateness as 7:00 AM, but absolutely out of fucking control. This is a good time to wake up if you’re some sort of deranged anarchist who would let the entire world burn just to defy convention. For the love of God, just set your alarm for an o’clock.

8:14 AM

Just as annoying a time to wake up, but arguably not as early.

8:00 AM

The official start of the day. Pretty early.

9:00 AM

Still kinda early, but reasonable. If you wake up now, you get a good amount of sleep but you’re also on top of things. This reality does not exist.

5:00 PM

Early. Certainly too early for dinner, please don’t do this. Early enough to be called “supper.”

12:00 PM

Not that early. You could eat lunch, but it'd be a little bit weird. Great time to start thinking about lunch. Also one of two times with a nickname—very impressive.

1:00 PM

Maybe also lunchtime if you were busy for first lunchtime. Even later if you’re not up by now. Worringly late.

2:00 PM

The most median time. Really pushing it on lunch, but what else are you going to do? Awful time. Might as well close your eyes until 2:01 PM.

9:30 AM

Neither late nor early. Time purgatory.

2:01 PM

Okay, you can open your eyes again.

9:00 PM

A sliver late. Dinner over, but no activities yet. You could watch TV?

12:30 PM

Just a tad late. Fabulous time. The undisputed best time for lunch.

3:00 PM

Getting on in the day. Lunch is officially over, so if you’re thinking about eating now, I’ve got some terrible news.

3:10 PM

Later than 3:00 PM but not like that much later. Simple as that.

6:00 PM

Dinner. No two ways about it.

4:00 PM

Nap time. Like 9:30 AM, this hour does not exist.

7:00 PM

Also dinner.

8:00 PM

Dinner, but naughty.

11:00 AM

Getting late! If you’re not up by now, you might as well just sleep through the day.

10:00 PM

Certainly late. But no need to think about bed yet. You have time. There will always be time.

10:00 AM

Pretty late! If you’re still asleep by now, you’d better have a good excuse.

11:00 PM

You have no more time. Late. Go to bed.

1:00 AM

Late, but earlier than 12:00 AM.

12:00 AM

Noon’s scandalous sister: Midnight.

2:00 AM

The same time as 1:00 AM, but later than Midnight.

3:00 AM

You fucking night owl. You machine. They don’t make times like this anymore.

3:59 AM

The latest time. If you’re up now, you’ve had quite the night. Was it worth it? In just one minute, people are going to start waking up. Three minutes later, people will be waking up even earlier. I’d say go to bed, but at this point, tomorrow’s ruined anyway.