Her fleet of ultralight spacecraft has been hovering over every major city on the planet for the last six months, and while her insectoid army’s laser beams have been enslaving our minds, Earth’s new empress’s fashion sense has been enslaving our hearts. We sat down with our fashionista overlord to find out the products that make Sq’ree-XII’s many hearts beat faster. And believe us, you’ll want to get shopping as soon as you’re done being dangled upside-down for the amusement of Sq’ree-XII and her chittering horde!

[Editor’s note: Things purchased through links on this site earn us a small commission, as well as extra meal capsules slipped through the bars of our holo-cages.]

Choff Republic Time Hex, priceless temporal artifact

“My life is super-crazy, super-busy, and super-scheduled. And sometimes my calendar gets to be a bit much. Even a seventeen-legged #girlboss like me needs to move appointments around every once in a while. I honestly don’t know what I did before I conquered the Republic of the Choff Quadrant and seized their Time Hex, thus sending them into a thousand thousand years of chaotic darkness. I just crank this thingie here–“

[Ed. note: As best we can tell, Sq’ree-XII in her infinite wisdom manipulated space and time in such a way that the original writer we assigned to this interview was reduced to primordial ooze. Jess Turner was stoked to take over when we resumed a few minutes later, thank God for backups!]

“–and yahtzee! Now I can make it to my war council and catch the Scrubs marathon on Comedy Central. Do you like Scrubs?”

Chlonton Mud Serum, about 6.3 trillion Earth dollars an ounce

“I totally swear by this stuff. It can only be found in like, the algae that you find in the salt flats of the second moon of Texron Alpha so it’s a little pricy, but it’s truly my one indulgence. Just a little bit smeared under the eyes at night and you’ll live forever. Like, literally. There was this whole movement by the natives of Texron Alpha because they were like, if you keep harvesting this stuff our mother moon slash home planet will like, die a permanent death? But this one comes in a compostable bottle, which is neat.”

[Redacted item], $7.99 at nearly any retailer worldwide

“I buy as much [redacted item] as I can find. I just love it so much. I’ve got my kids hooked on [redacted item] too: I get all 17,919 of them a container of [redacted item] for birthdays, solstices, to celebrate the surrender of another interdimensional superpower, etc.”

“True story: it’s why we left our homeworld in the first place, it’s very rare there, and we need it to survive. I still haven’t gotten over how much of it you have here. Honestly, as much as this planet rocks, we’d probably leave if we couldn’t get any more [redacted item].”

[Ed. note: I tried. I am sorry. I was going to print the name of the item, our exalted empress’ achilles heel. I was so close. But, in the end? Well… You have got to try this Chlonton Mud Serum. I’m told I’ll live forever.]


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