As the chairman and sole member of the Socialist Thinkers of Macondo, I hereby declare that Colonel Aureliano Buendía is CANCELLED. The leader of the so-called “liberal rebellion” against the oppressive conservative government that rules over Macondo is nothing more than a centrist and does not represent me. Sorry, I can’t join your ragtag militia of freedom fighters, Mr. Buendía, I’m busy fighting to free my mind of institutionalized perceptions of truth and justice. Get with the program, buddy.

I know it might hurt to think that your #MCM (Man Crush of Macondo) is a cop, but he is. Youcan’tfightoppressionfromwithinthesystem. It seems no matter how many times I clapped back at him, Colonel Buendía didn’t get that being a in the army is problematic. I tried to civically bring this point to the attention of Mr. Buendía when he tried to recruit me, and instead he chose to leave my home and refuse a chance to debate me? So much for the tolerant left.

Furthermore, Buendía is in bed with Conservatives. LITERALLY. He’s married to Remedios Moscote, the literal child of literal demon Apolinar Moscote. Wake up sheeple! I know he’s a literal Liberal hero, that just goes to show ya how the Liberal party is not progressive enough, and it does not represent me. A liberal in every way including the usage of the word literal. “Long live the Liberal party?” More like “Long love Remedios Moscote, the daughter of the leader of the Conservative Party.” Amirite?

I’m also sad to inform you that feminist icon, Aureliano Buendía is actually pretty terrible with women. Not only did he groom Remedios Moscote since she was a child like Drake with Millie Bobby Brown, there are rumors that he has fathered 17 sons with 17 different women. I’m all for sexual freedom BUT has he helped with raising these kids? Of course not. Now, I hear you saying, who on Earth is calling Colonel Buendía a feminist icon? That would be me, when I told him I’d only join his war if it was compliant with intersectional feminism. To which he had no reply and asked me if I was speaking in tongues like his father, which is totally ableist language and yet another reason why Colonel Aureliano is trash and not as good and righteous as me.

Finally, while we’re talking about how your fave is problematic, let’s not forget he’s had everything handed to him his whole life. Nepotism runs rampant in Macondo. Not only did his dad take him to see ice, one day many years ago—a privilege few of us have had—but Buendía’s dad founded this town. And the Colonel’s golden fish business was HANDED to him by his dad. The Buendías are not your friends. I know that since this is a small town most of the people are indeed friends and family of the Buendías, but I suggest you friend-break-up with them and instead become friends with me?

Also, I have reason to believe one of them has a pig’s tail. What more proof do you need that they’re capitalist swine?!