Except for the Bible, we have very few accounts of the first Christmas, and even the Bible is sketchy on descriptions. One of the biggest parts of the story is these “three wise men,” but we find out very little about them. What exactly did they look like? Why did all three of them need to show up at Jesus’ manger if each of them only had one gift? Wouldn’t sending one shepherd, while the others looked after the sheep, be a smarter and more efficient delivery process? And most importantly, where was Santa during all of this? The Bible is short on answers to these kinds of questions.

Because of these narrative holes in the text, it’s hard to know exactly what was said by the three wise men when they showed up. I’d like to think, however, that they imparted some sort of wisdom to Jesus about the spirit and meaning of Christmas. Then, they all hugged, drank some eggnog, and sang Jingle Bells around the Christmas tree. I’d like to continue that tradition today by handing out a little Christmas wisdom that I think the three wise men, if they were alive today, would probably approve of. It they could read English, I mean. Or if they even wanted to read it. I think they’d be like 2000 years old. Okay, maybe they wouldn’t approve of it. But they would be aware of it.

“What are you guys looking at? Wait, Jesus IS a brotha, right??”

Merry Christmas!

Christmas is a time for togetherness. It’s a time to join together with your family and friends and think of all the good things that you share in life. Also, it’s a time to hook up with someone from high school. Go ahead, it’s Christmas. I’m pretty sure that’s why Jesus went back to Nazareth every year.

Love everybody. At least, love them for just this one month of the year. Life’s too short to hold onto a grudge during Christmas! You can wait until January to exact vengeance on your enemies.

The most expensive gift is not necessarily the best. Case in point: blowjobs. In most cases, a blowjob costs next to nothing. Does this mean it’s a bad gift? Absolutely not. It’s a great gift, and it doesn’t even have to be wrapped! In fact, I can’t think of a better gift than a nice Christmas blowjob. Or a PlayStation 3.

World peace is possible, if we all work together. Except in the Middle East. Dude, those guys are fucked up.

Christmas movies are sweet in small doses. Have you ever watched It’s a Wonderful Life stoned? I mean, really watched it? And then started wondering what it would be like if you had never been born? And then started thinking, wait a second, maybe I never was born!? And then really freaked out for a second and then thought, what kind of name is Pottersville, anyway? That’s a pretty shitty name for a town. Anyway, it gets pretty intense, but it’s a fun way to spend three hours.

It is better to give than receive. Here, obviously, I’m not talking about blowjobs.

If Jesus and Santa had a fight, that fight would be awesome to watch. Pay-per-view. Cage match. Only one man leaves alive.

Wear sunscreen. Okay, I stole this one. And the wise men probably didn’t say it. It’s still good advice, though.

There’s no place like home for the holidays. Sure you have to spend time with your family, but everything is free! Free Christmas dinner, free presents, free eggnog, free place to stay—it’s a Christmas miracle! Savor it for as long as you can before you have to go back out to the real world, where your landlord won’t give a second thought to having you forcibly evicted on any major holiday when your rent isn’t paid.

Jewish people aren’t necessarily wrong, per se. Chanukah has a storied legacy and is steeped in traditions that stretch back to before Christians even existed. Christians are just celebrating the birth of a man who could perform miracles and came back from the dead, while Jewish people are celebrating candle oil that burned for longer than it should have. Like that could ever happen.

Any eggnog is good eggnog. As long as there’s liquor in it.

The silver eagle flies at midnight. Operation Five-Fisted Armadillo is underway. We will need to act quickly if things are to proceed as planned. Rendezvous at 0600 hours. Destroy this message.

Rudolph isn’t a freak, he’s just different. We have to celebrate our differences, not ridicule those who… oh, who am I kidding. He’s a deer whose nose lit up like a lightbulb!! There’s definitely something abnormal about that. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad he saved Christmas, but that’s just not natural. I don’t know what it was—genetic testing? radioactive spider bite? cocaine?—but that is not a normal reindeer. Rudolph is a freak.

Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. I don’t know what this is a metaphor for, but it’s probably pretty profound. It seemed to mean a lot when I was stoned.

Joy to the world. Because that’s what this holiday is really all about. It’s not about the presents, or the tree, or the food. It’s not about consumerism, or materialism, or getting the most things. It’s not about money. Christmas is about joy. It’s about seeing the best in people. It’s about spreading happiness, love, and optimism everywhere, and trying to do just a little bit, on one day, to make the world a better place.

Even on Christmas, Ann Coulter is a douchebag. It’s nice to know that some things will never change.

Happy Holidays from PIC!