Charnstone Manor, a stately Gothic house located just outside screaming distance from the village, has an open position for a governess. This entry-level job is suitable for any candidate who has a positive attitude, a passion for education, and a minimum of 3-5 years experience working in dilapidated mansions with wan, haunted children. This is a great opportunity for anyone looking to grow their skill set and take on new psychological, moral, and possibly supernatural challenges.

Strong candidates for this role will fit in well with the other members of our diverse and dedicated group of cryptic caretakers, silent maids, hostile valets, and cursed children. Charnstone Manor isn’t just a workplace, we’re a family. We mean that literally—everyone here is related to each other through a convoluted series of incestuous marriages and forbidden love affairs that no one is allowed to speak of. If you’re a team player with a cooperative spirit, and your grandmother’s dying words were a half-whispered warning to never set foot on our grounds, you may be a good addition to our inclusive and dynamic team.

You should possess a thorough understanding of early childhood pedagogical practices, excellent communication skills, and a cache of mysterious letters hinting at a secret inheritance. Knowledge of a foreign language is preferred, as we want you to provide the children in your charge with rich and rewarding cultural experiences, and because the shadows in the house will whisper to you in strange tongues at night, and it will be important to know what terrible things they’re urging you to do. Proficiency with the Microsoft Office Suite is also a plus.

As governess, you will plan, oversee, and implement the curriculum and daily activities for Charnstone Manor’s child residents: Ms. Eliza Thornlittle (age 11), the sickly, withdrawn daughter of Lord Reginald Thornlittle, Charnstone’s tempestuous and weirdly seductive owner; William Grove (age 7), Lord Thornlittle’s precocious ward, whose macabre doodles will mysteriously replicate your own nightmares; Rob Oldington (age 15), Eliza’s sneering bully of a step-cousin; and “Jane” (age unknown), a terrifying and yet strangely familiar ghost-child who stalks the dark passages of the manor, as well as the darkest corners of your subconscious.

Charnstone prides itself on being a supportive, woman-centered institution, so you will also be asked to provide lessons and tutoring sessions for Lady Anthonia Thornlittle, Lord Thornlittle’s violently insane wife, whose forlorn prison cell conveniently adjoins your room.

Successful applicants will be those who can perform above expectations in a high-pressure setting. You must be able to take constructive criticism, mostly in the form of violent outbursts from your employer that will barely conceal the smoldering lust he feels for you, and which you know that you must not give into, lest you bring damnation upon your own soul, and a poor rating from Eliza and William on the Rate-My-Governess website. You will need to be quick on your feet, both to provide a high-quality education for the children, and to outrun “Jane” when she chases you through the house and then into your dreams to speak the terrible yearnings you keep hidden even from your own heart.

Additional tasks and responsibilities may include, but are not limited to: put out fires set by Lady Thornlittle, futilely search for Rob after “Jane” lures him into the mist-shrouded moors, find a half-burned portrait of your own mother hidden beneath Lord Thornlittle’s bed, and organize Charnstone Manor’s annual, mandatory Summer Fun Day and Bake Sale. We recognize that Charnstone can be a demanding workplace and employees may need an outlet for their complaints, so we have recently instituted a new, progressive policy of providing a diary where you can record your thoughts and veiled-but-titanic emotions in a novelistic style, addressed to an unnamed Reader (actually Beth in HR). Please utilize the diary, or letters to your extremely religious cousin, instead of leaving a negative review on Glassdoor.

Benefits include room and board in an ancient, crumbling manor house; a matching 401(k) plan; health insurance (includes dental and vision, and one séance per quarter); generous vacation days (5); and the fulfillment of your darkest desires. Salary depends on experience, or to the degree to which it turns out you are secretly related to the inhabitants of the house, and the tragic events of its past.

To apply, please send your resume and a cover letter to the email address in our LinkedIn profile, or simply whisper your greatest fears into your bosom while lying awake in a fevered state in the deepest hours of the night. We will then mysteriously contact you by post.

Charnstone Manor is an equal opportunity employer.