By staff writer JD Rebello

I love drama. I love it. If I had TIVO, I'd permanently program it to TNT just because of their catchphrase: “We Know Drama.” Yes! That's what I like to hear. I love drama like I love Madden 2004, Bill Simmons, barbecue sauce and ESPN Classic.

You know what my favorite kind of drama is? Girl drama. I love girl drama because it's so inane, so ridiculous, that you just have to sit back and revel in the sheer comedy of it. If Will Ferrell and Dave Chappelle, and maybe Liza Minnelli's pussbag ex-husband ever put together a movie about girl drama, that would be the absolute pinnacle of high comedy, it would make Porky's look like Schindler's List.

I used to wonder how girls could wrap themselves up in the blazing idiocy of shows like the OC, 90210, Party of Five, and the like, but now I realize. Girls think those shows can really happen. And what's more, they want it to happen. That's the amazing part. They want crazy shit to happen.

“I find that diamonds, silicone and mustard furs keep the drama at a safe distance—say, arm's reach or so.”

I love when two girls want the same guy, and the guy keeps fucking them over, so they leave away messages with Jewel lyrics. I love when a girl really wants a guy, but he passes her up for a flashier girl with a better rack, and the girl who loses goes crazy, develops an eating disorder, and starts wearing black. Yes!

I love when two girls talk ridiculous amounts of shit about the other, and one finds out about it, and they scream at each other during an inappropriate time like a funeral or the commercial break for “My Big Fat Obnoxious Lameass Reality Show.”

I love when a girl gets really hammered and starts sluttin' her best friend's boyfriend, and the girlfriend gets all pissed at the dude, and the dude apologizes all the while considering the potential three-way.

Guys don't have drama. That's too bad. We're not that evolved I guess. If we hate another guy, we throw a few punches and that's it. Problem solved. Girls are great. They hate someone, a shouting match ensues, they continue to talk shit even after the resolution, and they end up sobbing about it. “WHY DOES SHE HATE ME? THAT FUCKING DOUCHEBAG!”

Girls are brilliant. They've figured out how to solve all of society's woes in a clear and decisive manner. Again, guys don't have drama, which kind of sucks. In fact, if it weren't for girls, we wouldn't even know what drama is. To us, Drama is the section of the video store where we can find “Field of Dreams.” Any drama in a guy's life is directly related to the girls he knows. Seriously, guys, think of every guy you've ever hated. Did you dislike him because he was a slut? Or because he wore ugly shoes? Or because he was fake? Or because he was trying to destroy you? Nope, you hated him because girls programmed you to hate him. George W. Bush had no real problem with Saddam. But you better believe somewhere along the line, Saddam's nukes were fuckin' over Dubya's mojo with the ladies. Ladies always love the bad boy, don't they?

I love drama for so many, many reasons. But most of all, I love drama when I'm not involved. It's always more fun to watch isn't it? Well, people enjoy the OC, but no one wants to live there.