This morning on my way to work, I got a speeding ticket for doing 54 mph in a 30 mph zone. Yeah, it blows, but what could I do? I have no cleavage and no shitty sob story to convince the cop that I shouldn't get a ticket. I mean, I was really cookin'. If I didn't see the other car pulled over, I wouldn't have even slowed down to 54, because I was probably going 65 and knocking on 70's door.
But as I was driving away with my $227.50 citation, I had an idea. If someone was as smart as I was and had thought of this a long time ago, maybe I wouldn't have been late to work this morning while I was getting a ticket. Instead, I'd already be at work, eating my Granny Smith apple and catching up on the news.
So here's my newest great idea: Get out of jail free cards for traffic stops.
Maybe you could get them as rewards for all of those super-special points you earn on your credit cards. Or maybe you could buy one for $50 with the purchase of a SunPass, or get one free if you spend $100 bucks at the titty bar and eat a plate of tater tots. Who knows? But these cards would add an interesting dynamic to traffic stops, and here's why: When I got pulled over this morning, I knew I was screwed. I was driving too fast and I really had no excuse. No hand to play, no leverage…nothing. But what if I did have a hand to play? What if my traffic stop went a little something like this:
Mr. Policeman: License please. Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes. I was going 54 mph in a 30 mph zone. And I ran over a toddler a quarter mile back, but I bet you missed that.
Mr. Policeman: Oh you're a smart ass, huh? Well if you think you're only walking away here today with a speeding ticket, you've got another thing coming, son. Because I see that your car is registered in New York and you have a Florida license, which is another ticket. I'm gonna get you, you son of a bitch. Wait while I go run your plates.
(Five minutes pass before he returns)
Mr. Policeman: OK, here's your speeding ticket, that's $227.50 and here's your other fine for your plates. I love cock so much, blah blah blah. I bet that'll be the last time you drive through here at a breakneck speed like that.
Me: Yeah, I'm really sorry about that. Well, I guess I'll just sign this and be on my way, yes?
Mr. Policeman: Yes.
Me: OK. (Takes pen in hand) This really stinks; I mean, I really should've been more careful— Ohhhhh wait a second, cocksucker! I bet you didn't think I'd pull out the "Get out of jail free card for traffic stops!" Yeahhhhhh, try me now, you donut-munching fatass. See that nice little citation you've got there? You can rip it up and shove it right up your ass. I'm gonna do a brake stand and burn out right in front of you while I chug a can of beer on my way to a timely arrival at work. And there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. Hold on while I step out of my car and piss all over your shiny black boots, too.
Now why is this a good idea? For one, it keeps things exciting, and I'm all about excitement. But at the same time, it provides you with a bargaining chip in traffic stops. If it's toward the end of the month and a cop pulls you over for some stupid shit like a faulty headlight just so he can meet quota, you threaten him with your "Get out of jail free card for traffic stops."
Just be like, "Listen man, I can totally use this right now even though I'd rather use it tomorrow night when I'm doing 110 mph down I-95 with strippers in the back seat. So I'll make you a deal. I'll take the ticket, but I'm only paying half the fine. If you don't take the deal, then I'm using The Card and you lose anyway, so make the right decision." Boom. Pedestrian wins again.