Big day today, Greg. Performing in front of half of New York City at the Dancing Duos competition—you must be pretty nervous.

Remember how we both spent months practicing for the Dancing Duos together, you know as a team? Yeah? And then you got selected and I didn’t. We were dance partners for what, five years? And then you ditched me for some guy with longer legs and thinner ankles. But hey, no hard feelings man. I’m not jealous. Not one tiny bit. I’m thrilled for you which is why I wanted to drop by to say—break a leg!

I mean it, honestly. From the bottom of my heart, I really really want you to break a leg today. That’s why I’m warning you to be careful. One tiny accident, Greg. That’s all it takes and poof there goes your moment of fame on Dancing Duos.

And it could happen when you least expect it. You’ll walk into a froyo shop and get a medium kiwi-peach sprinkled with oreo shavings. How do I know that? Five years. That’s how long I’ve seen you eat froyo for. That’s how long we’ve danced together for. Anyway, you’ll get your froyo and stroll down the street humming Bieber’s new single and then BANG! A red Tesla will crash right into you and send your legs into an uncomfortable jumble. They probably won’t mean to do it. Or maybe they will. That doesn’t matter, Greg. What matters is that in that one moment, it’ll all be over.

Or perhaps you aren’t in the mood for froyo and decide to grab coffee instead. A nonfat latte with a generous drizzle of caramel from that rooftop cafe near your apartment. How do I know that? We just went over this. Five whole years of waltzing and drinking coffee together, Greg. Anyway, you’ll walk up the six flights of stairs (that you’ve always found pretty steep), pick up your latte and then head back down. BAM! You’ll go tumbling down the stairs and land right on your arm.

Maybe it’ll be caffeine-induced dizziness. Maybe you’ll miss a step. Maybe someone will bump into you. It would be an accident, of course. We’ll never know what exactly happened. But oh boy, it could cost you your big performance tonight. How will you do that double backflip that magically appeared in our Dancing Duos audition? You know, the one that landed so perfectly in front of my full split that no one got a chance to witness the great elasticity of my short legs. Now if you would break an arm—that would be sad. Very sad indeed.

But hey, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Maybe you’ll take my advice and stay in for the rest of the day. You know, take it easy. Plop yourself on the couch, munch on some crackers and rewatch videos of your dance routine. Then to calm your nerves, you might invite some of us over. The idea of a cold Bud Light will tempt you and you’ll walk over to the mini-fridge in the study—that’s where you keep the beer. How do I know that? Five years, Greg. Don’t ever forget that.

THUD! You’ll slip on an unattended Scooby-Doo sock and fall directly on your hip. Your attempt to hold onto the swivel chair for support (not your brightest moment) will only make the impact worse. What will a single Scooby-Doo sock be doing in the middle of the study? Maybe your feet will get too warm and you’ll yank one sock off and then forget to pick it up. Maybe someone will leave it there without realizing that it’s right in front of the refrigerator door. Or maybe that’s the exact reason why they keep it there. Who knows. But what you and I both know is that an injured hip could really injure your performance tonight.

Greg, are you ok? You look stressed. Don’t worry, look if for some reason you aren’t able to make it tonight, I’ll drop everything and fill in for you. You know I’ve always got your back. After five years, that’s the least I can do.

Anyway, I should be going now. But hey, break a leg today!


And now a quick joke...

The closest I’ve ever come to participating in an orgy is taking a Zoom call naked.