By staff writer Dan Opp

The Greek system has been an integral component of college campuses nationwide ever since the first fraternity was founded in 1776: the year of our Lord, the Father, Luke Wilson. While bringing together men and women of all walks of life under a common ideal, Greek fraternities and sororities have sought to build character and camaraderie, sculpting the malleable youths of yesteryear into the finely chiseled leaders of tomorrow.

However, in recent times, the world at large has begun to focus only on the negative aspects of Greek life. For every breaking news story about a drunken accident, there are countless thousands of positive stories that no one hears about. As such, the modern fraternity or sorority member is stereotyped as being irresponsible and hell-bent on indulging every hedonist temptation. My intention is to break that stereotype, by shedding some light on the wholesome and beneficial aspects of the Greek system, using my fraternity as a model.

My fraternity is very involved in community service.

We’re very grateful to our community for welcoming us with open arms, so we give back every chance we can. Last year, our interfraternity council organized a campaign encouraging local residents to adopt homeless puppies. To do our part, we bought 20 cases of Red Dog.

Homo-erotic male bonding?! WHO SAID THAT? Come to the front and feel my brotherwood, boy!

Every couple of months, we help out with Habitat for Humanity, and I’ve learned a great deal about the work that goes into building a house. I’ve also learned that you actually hurt your chances of getting laid if you drop roofing in a girl’s drink.

We hosted a female talent show to crown the queen of our school and raise money for charity. Some girl got lost on her way to string quartet and ended up playing violin on stage. The professor behind me said it was world-class. Yeah, world-class suckitude! News flash, honey, I don’t want to see your self-esteem unless it’s staring back at me through a wet t-shirt.

My fraternity takes school very seriously.

All of my brothers know when to buckle down and hit the books. But we’re all business majors, so that doesn’t have to happen very often. Plus, if you can study while your roommate blows bong hits in your face, taking the test next to a smelly kid doesn’t seem so bad.

Everyone in my fraternity is very smart, especially those two dweebs we let in to bring up our house GPA so we wouldn’t getting kicked off campus. Hey! Get back in your room and finish my homework, dork!

My fraternity promotes social awareness.

Meaning, we tell absolutely everything with tits about our parties. All our parties have the coolest themes. Our biggest party is “Heaven & Hell,” where the upstairs is decorated like heaven, the downstairs is decorated like hell, and the girls come decorated like sluts. It’s so bad ass.

My personal favorite is our “Mardi Gras” party, where we exchange plastic beads for a glimpse at some naked boobies. It’s awesome, but I don’t get it. Girls forfeit their dignity, which is priceless, in exchange for beads, which are worthless. Oh well…. Show me your titties!

We always serve the sweetest drinks. During a typical party, we offer red Everclear punch, Everclear kamikaze shots, Everclear screwdrivers, and Busch Light with Everclear. If we want to take a sick party and make it the sickest party ever, we get an ice luge. An ice luge can turn even the lamest party into a sick party because ice luges are cornucopias of orally transmitted disease. I wanted to make the ice luge out of Everclear, but one of the dweebs said it was against the rules of science. Whatever. Following the rules is fuckin’ gay anyway.

My fraternity has been endowed with a very stately house, and we respect it as such.

Our house is a mansion that used to be the mayor’s estate back in the day. Now the new mayor wants to kick us out because of “repeated health code violations.” I think that’s lawyer talk for “total bad-assness.” Quit hatin’, mayor. You can send all the inspectors you want, but if they’re not on the list, they’re not getting in.

Because our house is so sweet, we stock it with all the sweetest shit. We’ve got a pool table, a foosball table, and a sweet ass big screen TV, but the crown jewel is the hot tub in the backyard. All the girlies love to get naked and do it in the hot tub. That thing has seen more semen drownings than Pearl Harbor.

My fraternity has the best pledge program.

We don’t want just anyone in our brotherhood, so we make pledging as tough as possible to weed out the kids who don’t want it enough. Aside from that, our pledge program builds character and teaches important life lessons, such as honor, discipline, and making prison seem like a reasonable option.

The pledges have to clean the house after every party to learn the value of hard work, as well as the value of being a brother, which involves sitting on your ass and barking orders. When they’re not cleaning, the pledges perform humiliating songs and dances at the brothers’ whim. This exposes them to culture, so they can hopefully come up with some hilarious and demeaning acts for future pledges to perform.

Hopefully, this article has opened your eyes to the reality of Greek life and changed the way you view your affiliated colleagues. Once our fraternities and sororities are justly recognized for all the good that we do, college administrations and our surrounding communities may begin to see us as true assets, rather than just legally vulnerable entities with multi-million dollar insurance policies.

In the meantime, let me hit that beer bong.