I was searching for topics that people usually blog about when I came upon this convenient list of all topics known to man. So I decided to do you a favor and blog about everything. Who knows, maybe this will be the last thing you ever read. Like, if you get in a car accident after reading it or something. Anyway, strap yourself in, it's about to get universal in here.
|Animals and Pets|
Bird Watching – Oh yeah, that's what those high-powered binoculars you keep beside the hand lotion and Kleenex on the windowsill facing the middle school are for.
Dog Breeds, Cat Breeds, etc. – Playing God by breeding a Shiatsu and a Poodle for the purpose of a joke that isn't funny is fundamentally fucked up. Unless it's a Liger; cats are the worst.
Pets Available for Adoption – You are also adopting the pet's unresolved issues of abuse and abandonment. "My master used to put a rolled up newspaper, a baseball bat, and a '67 Chevy on the table and say ‘choose.' I used to go with the Chevy, 'cause fuck him."
Pet Care and Pet Health – Animals didn't need toothbrushes before we domesticated them.
Pet Products – Give your pet a thick, shiny, healthy coat with new Snake Oil Shampoo!
Arts and Crafts for Children – I hear Nike is hiring in its Vietnam locations.
Raising Children – It takes a village to raise a child, not The Village People. It's Mom and Dad, not Tom and Brad.
Homeschooling Children – Social interaction between children is unhealthy and stunts development. All the money you save by not having a television will easily pay for hookers and cocaine when your child reaches adulthood and becomes a recluse because he cannot function in society.
Raising Gifted Children – Every kid today is considered "gifted" by their brain-moron parents. In most cases, if the child grows up to become average, that is an accomplishment.
Raising Disabled Children – It may be the most difficult undertaking you will face in life, but along with the hardships come priceless rewards: premium parking.
Desert Gardening – Arrange some stupid rocks around a cactus or some other dumb shit.
Gardening Techniques – Buy a pair of Crocs and a hat with a large brim.
Tropical Gardening – Arrange some stupid rocks around a palm tree or some other dumb shit.
|Health and Diet|
Dieting and Weight Loss – Informing everyone around you (including complete strangers) about the details of your new diet is almost more important than not eating everything in sight, fatty. Remember: No food tastes as good as skinny feels.
Diseases, Medical Conditions – Unless you're reading a medical journal or a doctor's blog, please ignore Homemaker Sue's brilliant insights on the common cold.
Healthy Living – Don't eat shitty food, and run around once a day.
Pregnancy and Parenting – So you're pregnant. Kudos on laying off the cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, caffeine, saturated and trans fats! Too bad you were already two months along before you became this naturopathic altruist and beacon of healthy living.
|Hobbies and Arts|
Biking – Shimano gears are the best.
Boating – It's not the size of the boat, it's the surface currents, deep ocean currents, and the tidal currents.
Carpentry – "ZZZzzz."
Car Repair, Hot Rods, Car Shows – My favorite car shows were Knight Rider, Speed Racer, and Transformers.
Coin Collecting, Stamp Collecting – With credit cards and email, this should be renamed "Antique Collecting." I have never used a stamp in my life.
Cooking Techniques and Styles – Remove plastic cover from brownie. Poke holes in plastic over corn and potatoes.
Hiking – I was 12 going on 13 the first time I saw a dead human being.
Painting or Drawing Tips and Techniques – Paint or draw a hundred dollar bill, then it will be almost like having a job.
Photography – A picture is worth 1000 words. Some of those words include: out of focus, failure to clearly identify the main subject, poor lighting, unaesthetic.
Sewing, Quilting, Knitting – The first time I ever saw boobs was in the film How to Make an American Quilt. I have been understandably obsessed with the subject ever since.
Sports – A sexual tendency towards members of the same sex that is not consciously recognized or not expressed overtly.
Skiing or Snowboarding – Skiing is used as a euphemism for both the consumption of cocaine, and the performance of handjobs. Snowboarding is stupid.
Writing, Poetry, Journaling – Fancy yourself a writer eh? You know who else wrote books, poetry, and a journal? Hitler! I didn't know that fascism was going to be a subject under "Hobbies and Art."
Eco-Friendly Living – Live in harmony with nature, take only what you need to survive, be thankful for the bounty the Earth provides every day, and beware of the Spanish and their tall ships.
Green Living Tips – Do not: drive a car, live in a house, buy things.
Home Decorating – Star Wars everything.
Home Renovation – The unhealthy amount of cursing coming from the garage could only mean that someone measured once and cut twice.
Home Repair – If it ain't broke, don't fix it. The only problem is that fixing a broken home usually requires a trial separation and couples counseling.
Housekeeping Tips – Lock your doors and windows.
Living on a Budget – Follow your budget. If you made allotments for food and shelter, you should live.
Selling Homes and Property – Avoid adjectives such as "shit hole" and "decrepit." Omit undesirable location details like "Florida Swamplands" or "Thorold."
Caring for Elderly Family Members – Logan's Run, ‘nuff said.
Marriages and Dating – No longer mutually exclusive.
Parenting Tips and Techniques – This is what you get in my house when you spill paint in the garage.
|Society and Politics|
Celebrities – If there is a second coming of Jesus we won't know about it unless he gets a Twitter account.
News – Jane, you ignorant slut.
Politics – Vote for Candidate Nobody. Nobody tells the truth, Nobody keeps election promises, Nobody cares about you!
Professions (i.e. teaching, nursing, etc.) – I'm not sure that teaching is a profession, it's more like a job. And until you're teaching at the post-graduate level, it's pretty much babysitting.
Blogging – Stupid. No one wants to read your dumb ass opinions and faux research.
SEO – If you search for "Blog Ideas" you will find many different Blog Ideas. In order to find the best Blog Ideas you must specify what kind of Blog Ideas you are looking for (e.g. Technology Blog Ideas).
Writing for the Web – Written content on webpages are responsible for filling the 10% of space not taken up by advertisements. Break all writing up into small paragraphs spanning over several pages, so in order for a person to read an article they have to visit 5 separate pages and be exposed to approximately 428 ads.
Making Money on the Web – Earn $1000 a day working from home! Get paid CASH daily! Only work 30 minutes a month!
Websites (i.e. eBay) – eBay is fucking sweet. Except for the time a guy outbid me at the last second for a rare photo of William Shatner signed by Patrick Stewart.
Gadgets and Electronics – Dildos are high tech muthafuckaaas nowadays. With variable speeds, oscillations, and vibration frequencies, you need a double major in computer science and engineering to decipher the encyclopedic instruction manual and operate your new best friend at its optimal level.
Digital Photography – Boring. If I wanted to read a bunch of specifications, serial numbers, and jargon, I'd read the dildo manual.
Television, Movies – Watching movies on television is unworldly. I can't explain it. Say a movie is playing on a television channel that has commercials and editing, I will sit and watch it even if I have the exact same movie on DVD within arm's reach. Unexplainable.
Travel Destinations – North Korea, Afghanistan, Detroit.
Travel Tips and Advice – Don't go to those places.
Family Vacation Tips and Advice – Leave your kids at home.
Vacations on a Budget – Usually suck.
A Travel Log – The shit you have to take in an airplane/gas station washroom.
Here I have clearly demonstrated that I am the best blogger on the internet. Pay me.