By Blane Strahan
Ladies, for most of you, there will come a point in your life when you will have to choose between either going out on a date with me or a convicted sex offender. The choice will be tough, and many of you will go with your gut instinct and choose the convicted sex offender. However, there are many reasons why yours truly is the better choice to pick. And in the end, just like in Saved by the Bell when Kelly chose Zack over Slater, I know you too will make the correct decision.
Reason #1: Transportation
Convicted Sex Offenders in most cases will pick you up in their van, drag you to the back of it, and force themselves on you. Not me, because I don’t own a car, or any mode of transportation at this time. I wrecked my car last semester and got sued for it in a hilarious chain of events. So, instead of you being tied up in the back of some guy’s van, you’d be riding on public transportation with me such as a bus or train, with plenty of witnesses there to protect you.
Reason #2: I am a Better Listener than a Convicted Sex Offender
Let’s face it, often times, Convicted Sex Offenders aren’t good listeners. They won’t listen to you on a date when you talk about yourself, or also at the end of the date when you scream “Please stop strangling me” as they shove a pillow over your face. I on the other hand can listen to you babble on for hours. I may not necessarily be totally awake while doing it or give two shits about what you are saying, but I have perfected the “smile and nod” technique after hours of practice looking in the mirror in a Shoney’s bathroom.
Reason #3: I Have a Lot Less Facial Hair
In the United States, 63% of women preferred guys with less facial hair in a conducted study I just made up. I will always keep my hair short out of the pure hatred I have for Liberal Hippie Douchebags and consistently shave once a week so my college professors will stop mistaking me for a homeless person who randomly walked in the classroom and ask that I get escorted out.
Reason #4: Commitment Issues
Convicted Sex Offenders will often have trouble committing to just one girlfriend, or as the court calls them, victims. While the word “victim” has also been used for women who have gone out with me, you will still be better off not dating the sex offender. You see, sex offenders are usually caught by police because they have molested not one girl, but about 4 or 5, thus, bettering the chance that they will be caught. Trust me, you will not be the only girl they will have their eye on to force themselves on you and later throw your body in a dumpster. I, on the other hand, will pay only attention to you, and not even go near another girl, because most likely that girl has filed a restraining order against me and the law says I can’t. That’s right ladies, I am all yours!
Reason #5: Convicted Sex Offenders are Usually on Drugs, and I am not, For Now
Any sex offender who is addicted to drugs will always find a way to pay for them, such as handjobs, robbing people at knife point, late night appearances at the 7-11, the list goes on and on. I, on the other hand, am flat broke and way too lazy to take up odd jobs such as these.
Reason #6: I am a Better Dresser
When you see a Convicted Sex Offender, they will usually be wearing a baggy shirt and Jeans, this way they can conceal the necessities a sex offender needs when going out on a date, like a switch blade, rope, ransom note, etc. However, I on the other hand, will leave nothing up to the imagination and assure you I have nothing concealed. My normal date attire of sweaty gym shorts and a “No Fat Chicks” t-shirt will remove any doubt that I am simply with you for the pleasure of your company and not an undercover employee of the website Backroom-Facials.com.
So ladies, the choice is clear, and I would be happy to meet with any of you at 3:00 a.m. in a dark alley behind a Toys R’ Us. Look for the man wearing a ski mask.