Austin Immigration Bureau

Dear Potential SXSW Attendee,

We are delighted to hear that you are considering attending the 2020 SXSW Music Festival in Austin in March!

Unfortunately, rising demand for tickets has exceeded the city’s logistical and security resources to accommodate all who wish to come. As a result, we are introducing a more stringent process to limit attendance. In addition to a current passport recognized by the State of Texas with an expiration date at least six months beyond your intended stay, a visa is now required for entry into Austin during the SXSW event calendar.

The visa application process can be a rigorous and lengthy one, depending upon our moods. We are protective of our culture and require that you demonstrate a fundamental knowledge of Austin.
A failing grade prevents you from re-applying for five years. Why? Because we said so, that’s why. Should you pass*, then a bunch of us get together sometimes and we might bring your name up and see if it feels good. Assuming it does, voila! Y’all come on down.

Our default decision is, as always, “No, y’all cannot visit here.” But you never know so fill out the application, anyway. And we urge you to hurry since we heard that Bob Schneider is playing Antones in a couple of weeks and I’m pretty sure we will all be at that one. We usually are. And, if we don’t get too enamored with—or hammered at—the show, well, who knows? Don’t delay!

Thank you,

Your Friends at the Austin Immigration Bureau

*Passing scores are 80% for out-of-state applicants, 100% for Texas residents

Austin Visa Application

Name: ____________________ Favorite Beer: _____________________
City and State of Residence: _______________, __________________

  1. Austin is ________.
    1. A state in the USA
    2. A state of mind
    3. An autonomous city-state similar to The Vatican but with better music
  2. The nearby town of Gruene rhymes with _______.
    1. Duwayne
    2. Doing
    3. Dune
    4. Dean
  3. Deep Eddy is _______.
    1. A famous Texas porn star
    2. A spring fed pool in Austin
    3. Austin’s local philosopher drunk
    4. Deep Ellum’s whacko husband
  4. The dammed-up Colorado River running through Austin is called ________.
    1. Town Lake
    2. Lady Bird Lake
    3. A lake? Sure as hell don’t look like a lake
  5. Townes Van Zandt is the greatest singer/songwriter to emerge from Austin _________.
    1. Ever, I don’t even want to talk about it!
    2. Damn fucking straight!
    3. Shit yeah!
    4. Boy Howdy!
    5. All of the above
  6. The Texas A&M Aggies are ________.
    1. Scum for brain idiots
    2. Fascists
    3. America’s last bastion of all that is right with this country dammit
    4. If you entered or considered “c”, stop here. Denied.
  7. The weirdest city in the world is ________.
    1. Portland, Oregon
    2. Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan
    3. Austin, Texas
    4. Define “weird”
  8. The speed limit on Texas highways is ________.
    1. 65 mph
    2. 75 mph
    3. Get the fuck out of my way you Yankee SOB!
  9. East 6th Street in Austin is _______.
    1. A quiet tree lined neighborhood with some nice galleries and cafes
    2. A place to “unwind” for brainy UT students and visiting scholars
    3. Prone to get a tad excitable on weekend nights
    4. b and c
  10. SXSW is ________.
    1. A relatively unknown, inexpensive and low-key music festival
    2. Pronounced “South-buy” (bring your credit card!)
    3. Run by Ross Perot Jr.
  11. MoPac is _______.
    1. A political action committee for gay Republican Austinites
    2. Damn good chew
    3. Austin’s new Rap sensation
    4. Texas Hwy 1 on west side of town
  12. The Best BBQ in the world is in ________.
    1. Kansas
    2. Tennessee
    3. Texas
    4. Texas (but you considered “a” or “b” so don’t bother coming. We know who you are and we don’t like you)
  13. Males walking around Lady Bird Lake are likely to be wearing ________.
    1. A gold thong
    2. A leather beaded necklace and feathers in their cowboy hats
    3. Running shoes
    4. All of the above and holding a bong
  14. The best music venue in Austin is ________.
    1. Cactus Café
    2. The Continental Club
    3. Austin City Limits
    4. Well, write in your own venue then!
    5. Why quibble? It’s all so damned good.
  15. The best song ever written about Texas is _________.
    1. Amarillo by Morning
    2. Amarillo by Morning
    3. Amarillo by Morning
    4. b and c
  16. Austin is to Texas as ________.
    1. Peanut butter is to wind sailing
    2. Eugene, Oregon is to the Tea Party Youth Association
    3. Miss Manners is to Lance Armstrong
  17. People who read books in Texas outside of Austin are _________.
    1. Litrit
    2. Shot on sight
    3. Uppity liberals
  18. Pflugerville is _______.
    1. I swear to God, the name of an Austin suburb
    2. A term used to describe a trend that is now passé (“it’s Pflugerville, baby, let it go”)
    3. Evidence that the town naming committee was smoking some whacky-tobacky that day
  19. Rick Perry is ________.
    1. A professional dancer who began his career with the Pflugerville Ballet
    2. The mayor of Pflugerville
    3. Pflugerville baby, let him go
  20. SoCo is ________.
    1. Composed of one Taco Cart, The Continental Club and that guy in the gold thong selling bead necklaces on a blanket in front of the Austin Motel
    2. Hot chocolate with jalapenos and Tabasco
    3. Where Rick Perry wanders drunk and ranting “The Energy Department! I remember now! It’s the Energy Department!”

Bonus Question:

Why did God create Oklahoma?

  1. He didn’t. Lucifer did it while God was on a break. It was the beginning of the end for those two.
  2. He was a big Joel McCrea fan.
  3. It was a long day. Hot and humid. He was bored. No one was looking.

Essay Section:

Who’s better, Steve Earle or Neil Diamond? Extra credit will be given for profanity and any references to lyrics, hairstyles and the appropriateness of Diamond’s appearance in The Last Waltz.