The pipes in the building need some routine maintenance, so they will be shut off Friday morning. I apologize for the disruption but it’s the only time the plumbing company could come. Since I am in unit #1 this will also inconvenience me. Speaking of living in the building, I can hear you having sex. Not to be a prude but when you’re loud late at night it keeps me awake when I’m trying to sleep.

You have a right, under a federal law known as the Protecting Tenants at Foreclosure Act of 2009 (PTFA)**, to be notified of any utility shut off at least 48 hours in advance. You also have a right to know that there are much better times during the day to enjoy sexual congress, like for instance, after you’ve just woke up from a refreshing night’s sleep.

If you meet the qualifications of the PTFA, you can leave behind the chore of doing it at night and consider the under-appreciated benefits of morning sex. For one, you won’t be on edge all day about whether or not you’ll get laid at the end of the day because you’ve already done that, so anything else is a bonus. Plus if you’ve already had an orgasm or two before breakfast you’ll be more relaxed and therefore healthier throughout the day and run no risk of taking out any excess stress on a co-worker, friend, or property manager just trying to do his job.

The new pipes being put in are guaranteed to last for 100 years, so this will solve many of the water issues that have been reported in the building.

The plumbing company has assured me that this will make a huge difference with water pressure and eliminate any rust output, and also that having sex at night is not only unseemly but bad for you in many ways.

  • You are a tenant in a property that complies with Federal Housing Administration (FHA) rules and you’re just falling asleep in sex residue. I realize you can shower after but are you washing the sheets too? Disgusting.
  • You have been informed of a routine maintenance shut-off mandated by the Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD). The department also asks how do you expect to get any quality sleep after your dopamine levels spike before bed? You wouldn’t go skydiving before taking the SATs, would you?
  • This scheduled maintenance has been specifically designed to have minimal impact on inconveniencing you while at home since after a long day of work you don’t need any more stress because you’re already not going to be energetic and limber enough to try the most strenuous positions, therefore not having as fun an experience as you could if you were well rested from a full night’s sleep.
  • I have always adhered to the HUD guidelines and if you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask. And if I have any questions for you I will do the same, for instance, did you all just not know that you could have sex in the morning before? Or is that something that’s more old fashioned and doesn’t comply with your modern go-go lifestyle? Also Steve, this is mostly about you. No human being should sound like that while doing something ostensibly pleasurable.

Look, do what you want but I’m just here to give you advice on what I’ve learned in life and to maintain the building the best I can. I realize there’s a lot of antipathy towards landlords right now so please know I’m just suggesting this out of the kindness of my heart and hoping you’ll remember this friendly advice and also I sold the building to a condo developer. You all have until the end of the month to get out.

Have a great week!

— Your WeHo Landlord (@WeHoLandlord)

P.S. After seeing this notice up around the building, which I physically taped up with my phone number attached, a number of you have left me voicemails about this, which I have collected and curated in the name of full transparency. Go to @WeHoLandlord on Twitter to hear your neighbors' reaction to simple maintenance upkeep.

P.P.S. I don't update the Twitter in the morning, since I'm usually occupied.