Dear valued customer,

On behalf of Coleman & Hurd Investments, I want to apologize for your experience with our website’s retirement calculator. As you know, our calculator asks users for their financial information and then presents them with one of three images, based on the data:

  • A speedy car, for properly managed retirement accounts
  • A car in traffic, for accounts that need improvement
  • A car with a flat tire, for poorly planned or funded accounts

That is why I was so concerned to hear that, after entering your data, you were presented with a mangled 1988 Pontiac Fiero covered in blood, shit, and fire. While I know this must have been troubling to witness, my colleagues in our financial planning department assure me that this is, in fact, an accurate depiction of your financial future.

From what I understand, your car would scream at full volume through your computer speakers. Though it was unable to form words, it was clearly begging for help until its voice became hoarse and pained. Our programmers tell me that this was meant to represent your ratio of student debt to future earnings with a master’s degree in trombone performance. Consider taking up a side gig! By making money on your nights and weekends, your car’s wails of pain could eventually become softer wails of pain.

I’m also informed that your car tried to drive around your screen in an attempt to find a way out, but then resorted to smashing itself against the side of your browser. Did you see how your car would heal itself after every collision, but only enough to still be in pain? That’s an indication that you should stop opening new credit card accounts. The benefits from a signup bonus disappear as you saddle yourself with debt and interest payments. Try sticking to a budget to give your car some relief from its unending hellscape of existence.

Finally, it must have been difficult to watch three other cars (a spouse car and two child cars) appear on screen with tears in their eyes, turn their backs on your car, and drive away. Simply put, you won’t be able to save for family planning if you don’t start putting a chunk of every paycheck into savings. Consider using our auto-deposit feature and choose a contribution level that works for you!

One last thing on this, was it clear that it was a spouse car and two child cars? I’m worried it just looked like a big car and two compact cars or something. One of our designers said we should give one child car pigtails and the other child car a baseball bat, but that just feels so gendered, ya know? Let us know if you have any ideas on that, any feedback would be great.

It’s important to remember that it’s never too late to improve your financial well-being. I understand that seeing your car must have been troubling, especially the moments when it tried to convince itself that it could make a living taking surveys online. However, fixing this car is going to require you to make serious changes in the way you interact with money. Our financial advisors are ready to work with you to lower your debt payments, help you make the most of each paycheck, and fix your disgusting, shitty car.

P.S. What if one child car was into, like, gymnastics and one child car was into astronomy? Is that anything?


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