Dear Guy Who Receives Self-Help Tips From the PornHub Comment Section,

We are sorry to hear about your frustration with our recent policy change. We have suspended all previously uploaded content from unverified users to help combat acts of sexual exploitation and human trafficking. We do appreciate that our comment section has given you a multitude of tips and tricks to help with everyday things like optimizing your Roth IRA, foolproof strategies to win every game of tic-tac-toe, and perfecting the five French mother sauces.

It’s unfortunate to hear Twitter banned you “for telling it like it is” and commenters on YouTube refuse to engage in or accept your extensive list of demands for “someone to fix MY Boulevard of Broken Dreams.” However, we are pleased to see PornHub’s reputation of being an accepting and engaging community held true in your experience.

Though we sympathize with your concerns of losing “thousands of self-help comments I need to get through the daily waves of existential dread,” we have a moral obligation to protect our users from questionable sexual acts.

We are pleased to hear that you were able to fix your 2006 Pontiac Grand Prix after reading user StiffyLube’s comment, “if the actress were to simply run a quick voltage check with a multimeter monthly, then she would’ve caught the issue with her regulator earlier.” Unfortunately, the video “Amateur Mechanic Hammers More Than Her Regulator,” along with its comment section, has not been archived for the reasons listed above.

As for your long-winded argument of “I need these comments to cope with the irreversible damage brought on by my father referring to me exclusively as an ‘unalluring coward,’” may we suggest seeking professional help? Yes, user TonyThrobbins’ comment of “happiness comes from within, not from the approval of others” is a nice sentiment. Unfortunately, his comment was posted under a dangerous video that has broken a plethora of our guidelines titled “Man Crying During Very Average Sex With His Wife After Getting Unfavorable Appraisal on His Metallic Charizard Pokemon Card Burger King Gave Out in 1999.”

Please stop offering our users payment to help with your son’s geometry homework. Even if you think “they’ve got to be smart if they are watching a Big Bang Theory porn parody,” we are not an online Sylvan Learning center. And offering “top dollar” to anyone who could help you figure out what American Dad! episode was being parodied in the video titled “The REAL Animation Domination” is incredibly risky and violates our user agreement. We hope SpumMcGarglin or other users did not take advantage of your lapse in judgment. A public comment section is no place for credit card or banking information.

In summation, we are not a self-help website. We do not specialize in DIY or other forms of information. Please note that we do not want your “life turning out like Hillbilly Elegy except for the part about going to Yale.” We are disheartened by your situation. But our singular goal is to ethically oversee the largest collection of hardcore pornography on the internet. We appreciate your feedback and hope you will continue to be a loyal viewer of our millions of now verified videos. Please never contact us again.

Sincerely,
Your friends at PornHub


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