Hey guys, how’s it going? We know it’s been a while since we reached out (we’re introverts, after all!). But with the holiday season here, or as you call it, “The Super Bowl,” we just wanted to check in.
Listen, these last ten months of social distancing, mask-wearing, and air-hugging have to have been especially tough on you. If you have to spend one more Friday night ordering Thai food and watching another goddamn Ken Burns documentary you might actually cut somebody, am I right?
We get it. You’re social beings! You recharge your “spirit energy” through meaningful face-to-face interactions with other humans. Humans that may or may not include family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, mailmen, checkout girls at Whole Foods, any type of receptionist, old men in line at the DMV who remind you of your grandfather, and cute babies.
Now with the holidays all messed up by that Grinch the coronavirus, how are you supposed to spread your annual good tidings and cheer six-freaking-feet away from everyone? This time of year is usually your time to shine! Like that beautiful star sitting high atop the Christmas tree you decorated by yourself this year. It’s your time to revel in the various close-contact group activities that typically make this time of year so special, like caroling with your BFFs belting out Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas” at the top of your lungs in close proximity to each other, enjoying cups of hot cider shared from a communal pot, and the holiday parties, the glorious holiday parties!
Alas, this holiday season will be different than any other. Will you miss the intoxicating buzz of blissfully bouncing from party to party, fueled by an endless supply of Sauvignon Blanc and passed hors d'oeuvres? Of course you will. Will you decide one night to dress up in your favorite sparkly/slutty Christmas dress to answer the door for the UberEats guy just so you have a reason to wear it this year? Probably. Will your company’s lame “virtual holiday party” put an exclamation point on the atomic bomb that 2020 has dropped on your social calendar? Yes, yes it will. But look at everything you’ve been through this year and you’re still standing! Emotionally scarred and mentally damaged sure, but standing nonetheless.
There was your first St. Patrick’s Day spent completely stone-cold sober. Memorial Day with your upstairs neighbors grilling hotdogs on a hibachi in the driveway. Fourth of July also with your upstairs neighbors grilling hotdogs on a hibachi in the driveway. Wedding season with no weddings. Your birthday party on Zoom where you both lit and blew out your own singular candle on a Hostess cupcake. Labor Day in your parents' backyard watching your Dad weed the new vegetable garden he planted while quarantining (those tomatoes did come in nicely). Halloween dressed up as Ruth Bader Ginsberg handing out candy to the neighborhood kids with one of those grip-n-grab tools. And who could forget Thanksgiving, celebrated with takeout from Boston Market followed by watching Love, Actually alone with your dog.
Come on, if you made it through all of that, then you can make it through a slightly less joyful Christmas or Hanukkah! And with all this vaccine talk there’s actually now hope to hang onto. Sure, they’re saying we might not get widespread distribution until next spring, and given your lack of underlying conditions, you’re likely low on the list of priority candidates, but it’s still something!
Once that vaccine does come, this pandemic and this holiday season will be an insignificant blip on the glorious history of your social life. You’ll be ringing in the New Year (at home, of course) in a few weeks and soon enough 2020 and this new normal will be long gone, letting you and your fellow extroverts reclaim your dominance of our society. And we’ll go back to resenting you for dragging us to your sister’s engagement party.
But in the meantime, sit back, relax, and pass the eggnog. PBS is replaying all nine episodes of Ken Burns’ The Civil War.