Dear Members of the Authoritative Committee,

I am writing to appeal the ruling that candy is not a breakfast food. This ruling was made this morning by a member of your committee, after I provided the requested response to said member’s repeated inquiry of “what do you want for breakfast?”

I am appealing this ruling because:

1. I answered the question entirely appropriately as I do indeed want candy for breakfast, and every other meal, a fact this committee member knows very well as I continually inform her every day we interact.

2. In case the semantics are not enough to determine this ruling is null and void, I must state that I was never properly notified of the existence (and have yet to receive a copy) of the complete list of the committee-approved breakfast foods. In fact I do not think such a list exists, which is obviously a violation of some sort of code.

In addition, I believe I am being held to a standard that is much more stringent than the committee itself obeys. I am attaching this written statement from the committee member’s text messages as evidence that this candy-is-not-for-breakfast rule is overly punitive. As you can see as mentioned here by her own admission, her regular morning yogurt has, and I quote, “more sugar than a Hershey bar!!”

I’d also like to direct your attention to the attached receipts of the committee members MULTIPLE morning purchases of “coffee” drinks that contain more chocolate than my Easter basket. I have included the nutrition information on the enclosed poster board, for your review.

Finally, I would like to include the following tweet the committee member made just last night about how “wine and popcorn=dinner.” I am not passing judgement on this committee member’s choices, but I do feel this may introduce a shade of grey into the black and white ruling of “candy is not a breakfast food.”

Furthermore, I’d like to point out that the candy I requested (a well-known orange-wrapper-clad cup-shaped chocolate) includes peanut butter as a main ingredient-the same nut butter that the committee deemed “appropriate” for breakfast when slathered on toast. The offending candy also contains chocolate, which when mixed with milk, somehow becomes part of an acceptable “balanced” breakfast.

Considering the above mentioned evidence, I believe this constitutes a nutritionally illogical “do what I say, not what I do” infraction the part of the committee. Since I am well aware of the committee’s commitment to “lead by example,” and I don’t harbor any illusions that the committee will cease with its consumption of seasonal flavored coffee-adjacent beverages, I humbly request the decision to be overturned and candy be made an acceptable breakfast food request from this date forward.

Thank you for reviewing my letter of appeal.

Sincerely,
Quinn

**ENROLLMENT EXTENDED THRU JAN 23** Interested in making comedy your career? Scott Dikkers, founding editor of The Onion and #1 NYT bestselling author, created Comedy Business School to teach you exactly how to do it through 5 learning modules.