Attention passengers of Southwest flight 3520 to Atlanta: we appreciate your patience with us this afternoon, but unfortunately we have been informed that the flight has been canceled. Yes, ma’am, I am actually referring to this current flight and I’m very aware we’ve already been in the air for 45 minutes.

I’m hearing a lot of confused curse words. We do apologize for the inconvenience that this mid-air cancellation has caused, but because we have not reached target occupancy on this flight, our ground crew has decided we can better optimize this aircraft by rerouting to Salt Lake City and re-boarding for a flight to Dallas.

Judging by the Chili’s Too box thrown at my head, I understand this might not be an explanation you find acceptable. If we say it’s because of COVID, will you not tweet at us? Yeah? Then it’s because of COVID.

Our agents will be finding accommodations for you while your travel plans are reconfigured. Unfortunately, FAA regulations prohibit us from carrying passengers on an inactive flight, so we will be booking you at the nearest available destination: a desolate mountainside, now viewable if you look out the left side of the aircraft.

Temperatures on the ground of your new destination are a chilly -10 degrees with a wind out of the northeast at 20 miles per hour. We understand this climate transition will be an inconvenience, so we’ll be coming around with blankets for your comfort; please have your credit card ready.

We would like to remind you that it’s difficult to answer questions when so many are screamed at once. But yes, ma’am, I assure you that our agents will be working to get you rerouted as soon as possible. However, due to the inhospitable conditions of the mountain, we anticipate we will need to wait for the spring thaw before we can get you on a connecting flight. In the meantime, please hang onto your tickets—you’ll want to burn those as fuel in the new tribal society you form on the mountain.

Our flight attendants will be coming around for a final trash pick-up. They will also be offering your choice of parachute, as we will be completing our deplaning from an altitude of 12,000 feet. For an extra $25 you can utilize Earlybird check-out and be guaranteed a spot in deboarding group A, which is the last group to be jettisoned mid-air. This will allow you to see which passengers have been trapped on sheer cliffs so you can find the luxury landing zones in softer snow.

Those looking for ground transportation alternatives should see Mia in the back of the plane for arrangements. She will be equipping you with a harness that you can use to domesticate a beast of burden and ride 300 miles to the nearest Southwest kiosk. The most likely animal you will encounter are bears or mountain goats. The least likely animal you will encounter is the Wendigo. In the unlikely event of a Wendigo encounter, your seat cushion may also be used as a shield to make your last stand against fellow passengers who will be possessed by this malevolent spirit's “Wendigo psychosis,” which is intense hunger and craving of human flesh.

Yes, sir, if you prefer not to rebook a flight because you don’t want to “just wait around and die”, as you put it, you will receive a full refund. You can choose to have this go back on your credit card or you can accept it in the form of Avian waters and packets of snack mix, the new currency in your primitive society on the mountain. Although I must warn you that anyone caught with exorbitant amounts of these items will likely be suspected of stealing and may face a formal tribunal for thievery, as we anticipate a system of swift, terrible justice in your new burgeoning community.

For those passengers plotting to rush the cabin doors, I would like to inform you that I have a loaded handgun on the beverage cart, and you should consider whether you’re prepared to fashion a tourniquet out of a neck pillow.

Ok, the pilot has turned on the fasten seat belt sign, meaning we are ready to lower our altitude and depressurize the cabin in preparation for an orderly exit from the aircraft. And I’m being told by our flight crew that we have run out of parachutes; we do apologize for that, and we will be issuing you a voucher for a free parachute on a future Southwest flight. This voucher must be redeemed within one calendar year and will not count toward your Rapid Rewards points.

As you are beginning your free falls, I just want to take the opportunity to thank you for flying Southwest. We realize you have your choice of airlines, and we appreciate you blindly booking us through Expedia.

Don't forget that you can still access the free wifi until we disappear over the horizon which means you have plenty of time to sign up for the Southwest Rapid Rewards Plus credit card to qualify for a free companion pass so next time you don't have to endure this trauma alone.