Six Weeks Ago: Email
We are so sorry to see you leave the Deals on Meals© family, the only family that offers premium deals on said meals. To show you our appreciation we are extending you a brand new offer that's only reserved for our most treasured users. You really are one of our favorites, ERIC ZEVON. You've been with us as our family has grown, and we've seen your family grow as well. We noticed the supersizing of your meal plans from ONE to TWO people, and finally, FOUR-person meals. Congrats on your beautiful family! If you re-subscribe within the next week we will ship you your regular order for 3% off your current subscription price! Just use the promo code: DONTLETYOURFAMILYGOHUNGRY.
Five Weeks Ago: Text at 3 AM
“New phone, who dis?” Haha—sorry for texting you like this, but you did give us your number after all. Hi, it's Deals on Meals©. We know it was probably a mistake that you haven't renewed yet, so we're going to make this easy for you. If you send back any form of text except the message “I hate myself, AzByCxDwEvFuGtHsIrJqKpLoMn,” then you will be enrolled for another year for the cost of only 11 months! Capitalization matters. For free shipping on those meals, send a follow-up text with promo code: YESYOUCANTRACKMYPHONE.
Four Weeks Ago: Letter in the mail
We get it, you're more analog than digital. That's why we're giving you a way to renew your service non-paperlessly. We want you back! We'll do anything! If you re-enroll we'll add an extra dessert with every meal. Send your reply posthaste, this deal won't last! Use this pre-stamped envelope we've included for you! Mark the subject of your check with the promo code: WEKNOWWHEREYOULIVE.
Three Weeks Ago: Through your Amazon Alexa at maximum volume
HEY! HAVEN'T HEARD FROM YOU IN A BIT. WE NOTICED THAT YOUR AMAZON ACCOUNT USES THE SAME EMAIL LINKED TO YOUR DEALS ON MEALS© ACCOUNT. SHOPPING THROUGH YOUR ALEXA MUST BE CONVENIENT WHICH IS WHY WE ARE SENDING YOU A DEALS ON MEALS© ALEXIS WHICH CAN ONLY BE USED TO RENEW OR ADD MEALS TO YOUR CURRENT PACKAGE. GET THREE FREE MONTHS OF MEALS BY RENEWING YOUR MEMBERSHIP AND SHOUTING THE PROMO CODE: VOICERECOGNITIONALLOWED.
Two Weeks Ago: Sign on a silent man at your work desk
Hi, ERIC ZEVON. This is Tom. Tom works for Deals on Meals©. Tom will not leave until you assure him that you know the ramifications of not re-upping with us. He's a hard man to convince. Unless it all was a big goof, in which case he'll leave after you give him a valid credit card to renew your membership for the next decade. Act quickly, Tom is impatient and gets irritated easily. Earn a free lanyard by using the promo code: DONTFUCKWITHTOM.
One Week Ago: Multiple planes circling your home with large banners
Plane 1: Neighbors, has ERIC ZEVON ever said he wasn't a vampire?
Plane 2: Not to us he hasn't, so how do we know he isn't one?
Plane 3: Unless we see him eat human food, we'll never know for sure!
Plane 4: Deals on Meals© is the perfect food to eat to prove you're not a vampire!
Five Days Ago: Leaflet dropped by plane on your doorstep
Hey there ERIC ZEVON. You may have noticed the fun little planes we've got flying around your home. Great prank right? We felt like we could prank you because you're part of the Deals on Meals© family, and once you join, you're in it for life. Use the code on the back of this leaflet while re-upping with us today to earn a free tote bag and end this continuous flyover: WEHAVEPLENTYOFFUELANDBLANKBANNERS
Two Days Ago: Tattoo on your inner eyelids
Don't blink or you'll miss out on this deal! Renew now with this promo code to receive free medicinal eye drops! ITWASEASYTOGETTOYOU
Yesterday: Implanted dream
Don't worry! You're not actually back in high school, or naked for that matter, but you should still pay attention to this urgent message brought to you by Deals on Meals©. We've secretly cloned one of your children and placed it in your home. We bought your data from a DNA testing kit you used a little while back. Your child is safe and quite happy. If you accept this offer now we will return your actual child and vaporize the clone within 3-5 business days. To have the memory of this whole experience replaced by a nice beach vacation in your family's memories just think about using the promo code: THISISNOTJUSTADREAM.
ERIC ZEVON, We just wanted to say thank you for your continued service. We hope you and your family had a nice beach trip while your subscription was paused. We're so glad you're part of the Deals on Meals© family. Invite a friend to join Deals on Meals© and we'll give you a free month of meals if they sign up using your promo code: AFAMILYTHATLASTSFORVER.