The doctor enters the exam room.
DOCTOR: Sorry to keep you waiting. I was performing this incredible new type of procedure you were reading about before you dozed off. I’d explain it but the article really confused you.
ME: No problem.
He takes a seat and looks at my chart.
DOCTOR: Anyway, there are many horrible things wrong with you.
ME: Thought so.
DOCTOR: First, your brain. It’s no good. You have a condition known as neuromaniacosis.
ME: And what exactly–
DOCTOR: It means you whine too much.
ME: Is there a cure?
ME: Any options at all?
DOCTOR: I suppose there are some rogue doctors out there who still do old-fashioned lobotomies, maybe in the Baltic states…
DOCTOR: I said let’s get you started on the maximum legal dosage of Xanax.
The doctor looks at my chart.
DOCTOR: Scrap that, let’s try an experimental procedure.
ME: What kind?
DOCTOR: It’s very complicated, but in layman’s terms I'm going to take this reflex hammer and bash you on the skull – one, two, three!
The doctor bashes my skull.
ME: Did it work?
DOCTOR: I’m not sure. It sometimes works on other things – old guitar amps, video game consoles.
ME: I see.
The doctor looks me square in the eye.
DOCTOR: Doctors play video games all the time. For the hand-eye coordination. It’s how we get so good at surgery.
DOCTOR: Does that make sense?
DOCTOR: Ah-ha! The experimental procedure is working! Nurse, you can come in now!
A nurse enters the room.
DOCTOR: As you can see, the nurse is your ex-girlfriend. She works here now.
DOCTOR: Examine him, nurse.
She puts on latex gloves, straps me to a table, and starts poking at my stomach.
NURSE: He giggles wildly, like a child.
DOCTOR: I see.
NURSE: He is not a real man.
She takes off the gloves and sets them on fire with a match.
DOCTOR: You know, she’s told me all about that awful little fit you threw during the breakup. She talks about it all the time.
NURSE: I talk about it all the time.
DOCTOR: She tells everybody.
NURSE: All the time.
The nurse exits the room.
DOCTOR: Moving on, let’s talk about your hair. It’s very thick. You’ll never go bald.
ME: What a relief.
DOCTOR: Come over here and let me tousle it.
ME: Right away.
The doctor tousles my hair.
DOCTOR: Ha! Such thick hair! Also, it’s interesting that you didn’t ask me why I would ever need to do such a thing.
ME: Well, you’re the doctor, so…
The doctor writes on his notepad for six and a half minutes.
DOCTOR: Anyway, you’ll have a full mop of hair until you die. At least you have that on your bald dad! Speaking of him, when’s the last time you called?
ME: A week ago, maybe?
DOCTOR: Your chart here says almost a month.
ME: I’ve been meaning to call, I just–
DOCTOR: Your hair is looking thinner all of a sudden. I’m going to refer you to a hair doctor.
ME: That seems like the right thing to do.
DOCTOR: It is.
DOCTOR: Let’s see your penis.
I show him.
DOCTOR: Oh, nothing, I just thought of something interesting about your penis.
ME: Is it serious?
DOCTOR: Your penis?
DOCTOR: No, not at all.
There’s sudden commotion in the hallway.
DOCTOR: Time’s up.
ME: Am I going to be alright?
I look around to see that the exam room has transformed into a dressing room in the theater of my old high school. The doctor is wearing the costume of a king. Jenna rushes in holding a clipboard.
JENNA: You guys are on in two minutes!
DOCTOR: Don’t worry, you’ll be just fine.
I look down to see I’m wearing a jester costume.
DOCTOR: As long as you don’t forget your lines. Like last time.