Although the year 2014 in our universe would make anyone consider turning into one of those Doomsday Preppers nutjobs, it was a different story in Zborft, the only parallel universe that we know of. Of course, the general events are the same, but the outcomes are vastly different. Let's explore Zborft's 2014.

As the year began, potheads rejoiced as all U.S. States legalized marijuana, and politicians admitted that they all partake in almost every single other drug in existence. In Zborft, weed actually makes you smarter, spawning think tanks that provide solutions to some of the world's biggest problems. Politicians began to worry that the populous would realize they actually get nothing done, and sure enough, they did realize, and now every politician works as a Walmart greeter. 

ISIS (the "Institute of Socially Inept Shitheads") is a group of 143 people who became famous for doing absolutely nothing but sending out a sex tape and then trying to make millions by assuming society is so dumb that people also want to watch them fully clothed. As a side note, no one has ever uttered the word "Kardashian," as that name does not exist in Zborft. 

Women in an ISIS sex tape
The ISIS sex tape never really took off outside the bondage crowd.

The Sochi Olympics went off without a hitch, but it caused athletes from professional sports to realize that while some of them make as much as $100 million over five years, while Olympic Athletes have to work at Home Depot, is simply ridiculous. So each baseball player sponsored 74 athletes, and for the first Olympics in history the Norwegians lost at ski jump because they were weighed down by something they could never afford in the past: a meal.

Janay Rice knocked out Ray Rice.

Donald Sterling made racist comments again, but in Zborft, the Clippers made a large basketball that came apart, shoved the bigot into the middle, sealed the ball and played a game against the monsters from Space Jam.

An airplane disappeared in Asia but it was found 2 weeks later after it simply landed in Malaysia. The passengers all rejoiced as the airline apparently took them on a 7-day all-inclusive vacation to a secret cave in the Antarctic that connects the surface to Middle Earth. Passengers claim it was the ultimate paradise where dreams are made possible. Stories of obtaining Superman-like powers and having threesomes with models, have emerged. As reparations for the worrying families, the airline paid all of them $1 million.

The World Cup Final in Brazil ended with a score of 17-14 and had a halftime that consisted of dancers from Rio's Carnival covered in nothing but skimpy clothing. North Americans are somehow now the world's biggest soccer fans, finally joining the rest of the world in calling the sport "football," while renaming its own sport "Fatty Blocks, Skinny Catches, Muscly Runs and Millionaire Throws." As a side note, executives from Fox are now planning to hold the Super Bowl in Brazil and have asked Janet Jackson to "sing" again.

Although Robin Williams and Joan Rivers still died in Zborft, they were actually the only dictators who still existed there, thus beginning 1,000 years of peace. It will be broken when Walt Disney's head is unfrozen in 3014 and placed on the body of a robot Minnie Mouse who has intentions of turning China into the world's largest theme park. 

Russia's president stepped down, saying all he wants to do is move to Sochi, kick everyone out, and become the world's loneliest person. The Security Council voted on the move and somehow there were seven positive votes (with only five countries voting).

Same sex marriage was literally not discussed in Zborft because its politicians aren't a bunch of middle-aged, 14th century assholes. In fact, all Republicans who didn't support gay marriage, when this was an issue, have now all come out as gay and live together in a village in Texas. 

Just as Ebola started spreading on our planet, James Bond destroyed it in Zborft with his Golden Vaccine. The disease spread to four people; all are fine and healthy. The irony is that America still panicked and closed its borders for all of six hours. That was the quietest and most peaceful six hours in the history of Canada. 

Although a white police officer shot an unarmed black teenager in the American Midwest, he used the police mandated sleep gun where rays make the person immediately fall on the ground and sleep for four minutes. There was no police violence in 2014 in Zborft, so news networks had to fill airtime by making fun of those "highly technologically advanced" worlds that still use deadly guns for "protection." As a side note, time travel was invented and politicians were able to observe the intentions of America's forefathers while writing the second amendment. They realized that the law has been a 223-year victim of the telephone game. As a second side note, when they told the forefathers about our universe's current interpretation of the amendment and seven forefathers boarded a ship to start looking for another nation to discover. As a third side note, that gay republican village in Texas is fully armed, but the guns shoot 12-inch dongs.

Although Guantanamo exists in Zborft, it is a Cuban-American Hollywood retreat where celebrities can get rectal rehydration while simultaneously receiving a colonic. They also have the option of being champagne water boarded by seven models pouring Dom Pérignon into their mouths over a candy cane washcloth. 

Australia had a scare when someone walked into a coffee shop, locked all doors, told everyone to get on the ground, provided pillows to sit on, took orders, and made every single person the "most delicious beverages in the world," according to one hostage.

Finally, a movie was made about a news anchor travelling to a dictatorship and attempting to assassinate its leader. This movie goes on to win the Oscar, not because it was good, but because it was so outlandish. The last time a dictatorship with closed borders existed like that, it was carved out and rocketed to the moon. No regime that ridiculous has ever existed since.

All in all, a normal year for Zborft (meaning "utopia" in English). Back on Earth, Richard Branson heard rumors of this place and promised to find a black hole and pioneer multiverse travel. A first-come first-serve travel sign-up sheet was sent out and 6.9 billion people registered.

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