A follow-up to “20 Practical Uses for Donald Trump's Hair.”

  1. 3D model of chaos math differential equation system.
  2. With marinara sauce and sautéed leeks, voila! A cheap Olive Garden spaghetti platter.
  3. Missing, primitive Mesozoic predecessor to modern twine.
  4. Culmination of a long-term Greenpeace initiative to reforest Trump scalp.
  5. Carport for a Geo Metro.
  6. Ego and self-esteem boost for sea sponges in The Caspian Sea with body image issues.
  7. Universal stunt double for any Planet of the Apes 10: Ape-Tokyo Driftcast members.
  8. Guest shrub on The Victory Garden.
  9. Decorative surrounding setting for a cow vagina.
  10. Object lesson in a Cost Cutters seminar where an honors styling student asks, “OK, but why would anybody wanna comb THAT over?”
  11. Marginally acceptable Tinder date for a tangled mass of Dead Sea seaweed.
  12. Long-lost birth mom of adopted tarantulas that brings an Oprah Winfrey Showstudio audience to tears.
  13. Discount Dollartree.com washcloth.
  14. Cautionary tale for at-risk raccoons about the dangers of heroin addiction.
  15. Bird habitat in the National Zoological Park.
  16. Deterrent to nuclear strikes and catastrophic selfies, maintaining the international “balance of terrible haircuts” with Kim Jong-un’s hair.
  17. Marginally acceptable Tinder date for a Tasmanian devil with personal hygiene issues.
  18. Stopper for a Jiffy Lube grease pit.
  19. Cousin Itt in upcoming Addams Family Values 2.
  20. Future home of a new DC solid waste treatment facility.
  21. Renewable source of shitty Target sweaters through the year 3035.
  22. Marginally acceptable Tinder date for Nancy Pelosi.
  23. Prototype for the Mop of Death™ developed by Martin-Marietta for the US Department of Defense.
  24. Prototype for the Moldy Artichoke of Death™ developed by Whole Foods for the US Department of Defense.
  25. Prototype for the Comatose Chinchilla of Death™ developed by PetSmart for the US Department of Defense.
  26. Clinically acceptable form of mild shock therapy for psychotic patients.
  27. Gives new hope to despondent incompetent barbers who have lost the will to live.
  28. Walk-on in the next Star Trek film as an aging, incontinent Tribble.
  29. Endless fodder for lame-ass comedy list.
  30. Marginally acceptable Tinder date for a Comatose Chinchilla of Death™ in the ICU of Walter Reed Army Veterinary Hospital.
Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.