Painfully Retarded Quotes

Mark: Dude I'm gonna go back there and beat those bitches asses for jumping me.
Joe: Why dude? Why?
Mark: Self-satisfaction, bro.
Joe: Yeah I achieve that jerkin' it in the shower, not gettin' my ass beat twice.
-On the trouble with the male ego

"These freaking plates! They're always in my way! Look at me! I'm a plate! And I'm in the way!"
-Amanda, bordering on the metaphorical

Colton: So I think I'm gonna get Godzilla, my Cocker Spaniel, a giraffe uniform.
Molly: For Halloween?
Colton (completely serious): No, just for everyday wear.
-On bad timing

Asian girl: (opens eyes all the way): What do you think about this?
Jamie: You're normal now.
-Jamie, pulling out the race card

Jocelin: Have you ever seen a cat spit up a hair ball?
Kaliy: Yeah...
Jocelin: Yeah, well that's what you just looked like.
-On fantastic compliments.

Senile Guidance Counselor: So have you put any thought into a career after school?
Alex: Yeah, I want to be a pilot.
Senile Guidance Counselor: A PIRATE?? NOW WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU WANT TO BE A PIRATE?!
-On finding out who actually needs help

Kaliy: Mom, did I tell you that I burnt myself again?
Mom: Geez, you always burn yourself, huh?
Kaily: Yeah, I'm a-
Mom: Klutz?
Kaliy: ...I was going to say "not burn resistant."

Sebastien: Russell Crowe's the fuckin' man.
Frank: Russell Crowe rapes.
Sebastien: No dude, he's the fuckin' man.
Frank: Yeah, Russell Crowe's awesome. He rapes little kids.
Sebastien: No, Russell Crowe doesn't rape little kids. That wouldn't be awesome.
Frank: Russell Crowe rapes at life.
Sebastien: Can we try and take rape out of this?
-On persistent rapes

Mari: So yeah, just check your email and it should be in there.
Cory: ...So what do I go on www. email.com or...? ...What?
-On modern technology for the uninitiated

Klara: I'm afraid of clowns.
Ned: I'm afraid of heights.
Lorri: I'm afraid of waffles!
Ned: Excuse me?
Lorri: Yeah, I'm so afraid of them that I break out into hives and my tongue swells up whenever I eat them!
-Confusing fears with allergies

Sabrina: I don't think that my knowledge of ancient philosophy is going to help me on a daily basis.
Shane: You mean like Aeropostale?
(Moment of silence)
Sabrina: You mean Aristotle?
-On the deeper meaning of fashion

M: I'm pretty stoked for Spain.
Beau: So... do they speak Spanish in Spain??
M: Ya dude.
Beau (trying to redeem himself) : But they speak English in Italy though...
-On deep cultural misunderstandings

Aaron: Jeesh Kelli, you're really tan!
Kelli: Yeah, I wear jeans in the winter to keep my tan in.
Anna: Why the hell are you my friend...

Jeannette: You're doing what?! Just try not to get shot, OK?
Andrew: Dammit, Jeannette, you're totally ruining my plans. Step one: Join the Marines. Step two: Get shot. Step three: Use war wounds to pick up women. Step two is an integral part of my plan to get laid! INTEGRAL!
Jeannette: Do you even know what that word means?
-On fragile foundations

Amanda: What's the difference between rap and hip-hop?
Michelle: Well rap usually has a message. Like "don't eat the cheese 'cause it's bad."
-On pervading rap themes