Painfully Retarded Quotes

Oops! You forgot to think before you spoke. Don't worry, it happens to the best of us, seriously. Just read all the morons below.
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Colton: So I think I'm gonna get Godzilla, my Cocker Spaniel, a giraffe uniform.
Molly: For Halloween?
Colton (completely serious): No, just for everyday wear.
-On bad timing



Asian girl: (opens eyes all the way): What do you think about this?
Jamie: You're normal now.
-Jamie, pulling out the race card



Jocelin: Have you ever seen a cat spit up a hair ball?
Kaliy: Yeah...
Jocelin: Yeah, well that's what you just looked like.
-On fantastic compliments.



Senile Guidance Counselor: So have you put any thought into a career after school?
Alex: Yeah, I want to be a pilot.
Senile Guidance Counselor: A PIRATE?? NOW WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU WANT TO BE A PIRATE?!
-On finding out who actually needs help

Grant MacEwan University Other


Kaliy: Mom, did I tell you that I burnt myself again?
Mom: Geez, you always burn yourself, huh?
Kaily: Yeah, I'm a-
Mom: Klutz?
Kaliy: ...I was going to say "not burn resistant."



Sebastien: Russell Crowe's the fuckin' man.
Frank: Russell Crowe rapes.
Sebastien: No dude, he's the fuckin' man.
Frank: Yeah, Russell Crowe's awesome. He rapes little kids.
Sebastien: No, Russell Crowe doesn't rape little kids. That wouldn't be awesome.
Frank: Russell Crowe rapes at life.
Sebastien: Can we try and take rape out of this?
-On persistent rapes



Mari: So yeah, just check your email and it should be in there.
Cory: ...So what do I go on www. email.com or...? ...What?
-On modern technology for the uninitiated



Klara: I'm afraid of clowns.
Ned: I'm afraid of heights.
Lorri: I'm afraid of waffles!
Ned: Excuse me?
Lorri: Yeah, I'm so afraid of them that I break out into hives and my tongue swells up whenever I eat them!
-Confusing fears with allergies



Sabrina: I don't think that my knowledge of ancient philosophy is going to help me on a daily basis.
Shane: You mean like Aeropostale?
(Moment of silence)
Sabrina: You mean Aristotle?
-On the deeper meaning of fashion



M: I'm pretty stoked for Spain.
Beau: So... do they speak Spanish in Spain??
M: Ya dude.
Beau (trying to redeem himself) : But they speak English in Italy though...
-On deep cultural misunderstandings



Aaron: Jeesh Kelli, you're really tan!
Kelli: Yeah, I wear jeans in the winter to keep my tan in.
Anna: Why the hell are you my friend...



Jeannette: You're doing what?! Just try not to get shot, OK?
Andrew: Dammit, Jeannette, you're totally ruining my plans. Step one: Join the Marines. Step two: Get shot. Step three: Use war wounds to pick up women. Step two is an integral part of my plan to get laid! INTEGRAL!
Jeannette: Do you even know what that word means?
-On fragile foundations



Amanda: What's the difference between rap and hip-hop?
Michelle: Well rap usually has a message. Like "don't eat the cheese 'cause it's bad."
-On pervading rap themes



Kathryn: He looks like he's made of chocolate.
Zach: Did you just say he looks like chocolate?
Kathryn: No, I said he looks like he's MADE OF chocolate.
-Talking about an Indian contestant on Jeopardy



Boy 1: Hey look, they have the Easter bunny!
Boy 2: That's the Playboy Bunny you idiot!
-Overheard while working at an airbrush tattoo stand

University of Central Missouri Other

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