Painfully Retarded Quotes

James: What town is the mid-point from Athens to Atlanta?
Joel: I think it's near Buford.
James: I meant going the other way dumbass!
-On halfway getting it

"When Taco Bell first came out I thought it was a Mexican phone company."
-A.P., on long distance carriers

Alex: I'm not stupid. I got 1446 on my SATs.
Tom: They only score in multiples of 10.
Alex: They must have given me half credit.
-On intelligence failures

"Plan B? Why is it called Plan B? What's Plan A?"
-Katie, on the morning-after pill

"When I get old, I want to move to an island in the middle of the ocean... like Mexico."
-Ben, on new age retreats

Brad: So, what happened to Eddie's neck there?
Erika: He bit himself shaving.
-Trying to cover up a hickey for her boyfriend

"I LOVE showing up to English late! Class seems so much shorter that way."
-Reuben, during one of his "late mornings"

Henri: I am going to be a terrorist.
Doug: K.
Henri: Yeah, I've already started.
Doug: Really?
Henri: Yeah, I've been working the past two months, waiting for my story to be on the news. I can see it now, "Breaking News Story: Five U.S. Officials have been killed this morning by a new national threat 'The Anthrax Emailer.'"
Doug: How the hell are you going to send anthrax through email?
Henri: A-N-T-H-R-A-X.
Doug: You're going to type it? How is that going to kill someone?
Henri: Shock is a very powerful emotion. They made it a medical condition after all.

Video Clerk: Okay, that's fine. What's your mother's name?
Joe: Connie.....maybe??
-On possible child defects

"I swear Craig's hair gets longer every day...."
-Kelly, on the long and short of it

Andrew: How did you do on your STD check-up?
Dan: Awesome, on the hepatitis exam I got an "A."
-After receiving his test results

Angela: Did you ever notice that all of us that hang out at Randy's are like a big incestuous family?
Luke: Yes.
Kimmie: YEAH! Incest is best, put your family to the test.
-On measures of certainty

"I like sheep; they ram you in the ass when you're not looking."
-Cox, at the San Diego Zoo

Joe: They had a special seat on the short bus for you didn't they?
Merik: Yup, right up front with my helmet, how'd you know?
-On preferred seating

Brad: My contacts are dry.
Adam: Your contacts are dry? That means there's a tornado coming!
Brad: Really?
Adam: I don't know. I just make things up as I go along.
-On whirlwind thoughts