Painfully Retarded Quotes

"I don't know what you're trying to say, Emily. Einstein was only six when he wrote Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star, but I still love R&B."
-Caleb, on musical influences

"Dumb traffic... it's going too fast for us to do anything, and too slow for us to get to the movie on time."
-Josh, talking his girlfriend while stuck in traffic

Pietro: What happened with Jill?
Dan: She had a meeting to go to. That and she was sick.
Pietro: Wait... terminally?
-Pietro, stunned

O'Boyle: Know how heavy a polar bear is?
Random girl: Um...no?
O'Boyle: Heavy enough to break the ice, what up slut?!
-O'Boyle, trying out pick up lines

Chaz: I would much rather sleep indoors.
Mindy: Why would you want to sleep in doors?
Chaz: As opposed to outdoors.
Mindy: Oh yeah I knew that.
-On literal failures

Nicki: When were you born?
Tom: July 4th.
Nicki: OF MAY??
-Drilling down too far

"This little white baby was raised by two black babies...uh oh, here comes the grizzly bear."
-Alex, playing with dolls

Ryan: They put all the lessons online right?
Digs: I dunno.
Ryan: Well can you record tomorrow's for me? I'm not coming to class.
Digs: Why?
Ryan: Yom Kippur.
Digs: ... It's November.
Ryan: So.
Digs: You're also not Jewish.
Ryan: Now how you gon' tell me if I am or am not Jewish?!
-Because of that time... just now

Mark: Does cocoa flavoring have cocoa in it?
Morgan: No. It's got formaldehyde and toothpaste.
Mark: Ohh. Isn't formaldehyde that stuff that keeps dead people alive?
Morgan: Think about what you just said.... and then regret it.
-On all the ingredients for stupid

Dex: Chipmunks are such cool animals!
Joey: Yeah, it's too bad they're not real.
Dex: They are real.
Joey: Oh, I thought they were just cartoons.
-On bringing TV to life

Joe: So where you from?
Random girl: GI.
Joe: Sweet, I knew some people from there... what's GI?
-Joe, the all-around people person

Kimbo: So, if anyone sees my pencil case, please give it to me.
Quincy: What color is it Kimbo?
Kimbo: It has no color.
Christian: You mean it's invisible?
-On unsolved cases

Mere: Doesn't Matt look like Mark Twain?
Erica: (confused stare)
Mere: ...You do know who Mark Twain is right?
Erica: Yeah, he's that country singer right?
-On timeless country classics

Ty: What do you use for bait when you go fishing?
Kate: I use minnow and worms.
Ty: See I go fly fishing.
Kate: How do you catch a fly?
-On the inexperienced redneck

"Is this a true story?"
-Meg, watching Freddy vs. Jason