Overheard at College

Guy 1: The guy that taught me to make dough told me the bottom was the asshole, so push everything into the asshole. See how my asshole is nice and tight?
Guy 2: My asshole is too big....
-Overheard at a pizza shop where two guys were making dough

"If I get one more STD, I swear to God, man!"
-One frat boy to another, leaving the university health clinic

"Ugh. That makes me so mad it makes me want to go to the bathroom!"
-A girl walking furiously with a friend, looking behind her (I really wish I knew what she was talking about)

K: I wonder how much she charges for the night.
M: Wow, she could be somebody's mom.
Random guys running past the woman yelling: Hey Mom!!
-After a random middle-aged woman dressed in stilettos and a mini-skirt with overdone makeup and bleach blonde hair walked by

Girl 1: What does he expect us to do; pull money out of asses?
Girl 2: Ha, you mean you can't do that?
Girl 1: No, even though my ass is big and juicy, I can't.
-Overheard on campus

Girl #1: What is HER-bed chicken?
Girl #2: It's HERBED chicken.
Girl #1: So it has herbs on it?
Girl #2: No. No it doesn't.
-Overheard in the dining hall

Student: I'm here to apply for a bartending job.
Bar Owner: Okay, just fill out this application and let me know if you have any questions.
Student: Actually, I was wondering if you guys have health insurance.
Bar Owner: Yes, of course we do. (Hands a box of condoms to the student) There ya go, son.
-On rollover job benefits

Guy Yelling Through Horn: Hey, you guys like your queen size beds?! Oh wait, you don't have any!!
Frank: REAL MEN USE THEIR LUNGS, BITCH!
-On external dorm conflict

Toddler: (Screaming and flapping arms in the middle of a restaurant)
Man: Can't you shut him up?
Mother: Can't you stop a moving train with your bare hands?
-On the impossibility of making an autistic child stop stimming

Susan: I think mom is high.
Holly: What like high on life?
Susan: Yeah, if by life you mean a schedule three narcotic.
-Overheard at a girlfriend's family birthday celebration

Boy (around 12): Can you call the cops from here?
Girl (19, looks concerned): I can call security, is something wrong?
Boy: I just thought they should know that I've got these two guns (flexes arms).
-Overheard at an airbrush tattoo stand

"If my nanny don't take me to McDonald's I'm gonna show her the back of my hand so fast."
-Random 10-12ish kid on campus

Mom: Is Derek gay?
Daughter: No, if he were gay why would he be dating Katie Co?!
Mom: Well...Katie Co is gay...
Daughter: Katie Co isn't gay! She's half-gay, AT BEST.
-On getting it straight

"I should start cutting my cocaine with Plan B."
-Random girl at a party, on killing one bird with two stones

Girl 1: Did you see Jake at that party last night? He defines creeper.
Guy 1: Yeah, Jake is such a pile of douche.
Guy 2: Come to the Diag tomorrow, he's going to be in the dunk tank.
Girls 1 and 2: LET'S DROWN HIM.
-On appropriate revenge tactics