Overheard at College

"Yeah, a lot of vodka and a bunch of roller derby women is all you need. Then you got a REAL party."
-Overheard in a Waffle House after a party

Gen: I just gorged myself on maple syrup crepes. My friend and I are racing to obesity.
Garret: Hell yeah! Fat girls are the new skinny!
-Overheard in the cafeteria

Prospective Girl #1: Oh my GOSH, there REALLY is a blue freakin' pyramid on campus!
Prospective Girl #2 (to her mom): No wonder there's sooo many Hindus here.
Prospective Girl #2's Mom: You're thinking about Arabians, Julie.
-On overdrafting at the knowledge bank

Random Girl: This is my boyfriend. I mean fiancé. Boyance!
Boyance (assumingly): I liked it so I put a ring on it.
-Overheard outside a lecture hall

Guy: I think I threw out my back the other day; it really hurts.
Girl #1: You could have Kyle give you a massage.
Guy: That would be kind of gay.
Girl #1: Guys can't give other guys massages?
Guy: No they can't, it's a man law.
Girl #2: Cool, I like laws. And men.
-On not laying down for the man law

"Everything with a penis is pissing me off today. If you have a penis, don't talk to me."
-Random girl, overheard in the dorm hallway

"No, you can actually DIE from farts."
-Random girl, overheard while walking into class

Roommate 1: That smells spicy.
Roommate 2: It is! And it's delicious! I love everything spicy.
Roommate 1: Dude, your mouth is like a roaring fiesta!
-On an overheard roommate connection

Guy: That girl never called me back after our date...
Girl: Awww, I'm sorry, you have bad luck with girls!
Guy: Well not really, in high school I was--
Girl (loudly whispers): YOU'RE A VIRGIN!! (laughs)
Guy: ....
Girl: Oops, that was loud!
-Overheard in the cafeteria

Guy 1: Man, I'm so sore.
Guy 2: What'd you do?
Guy 1: I carried a bear out of the woods last night, man.
Guy 2: Get out of here.
Guy 1: Naw, man, I'm serious, went hunting with my buddy and had to heave that thang outta the woods so it's mama wouldn't find it and come kill me.
-Two guys overheard discussing their weekend outside the student center

"This tastes so good! It tastes like magic!"
-Random guy eating some magical food in the cafeteria

Sorority Girl 1: Look at her legs... they make me want to throw up.
Sorority Girl 2: Oh my god that's so mean! What's wrong with them?
Sorority Girl 1: No, like throw up in a good way. Like, bulimia.
Sorority Girl 2: Oh, okay. Yeah me too. Wait, let's go get a lollipop.
-On physical expressions of jealousy

"I'm getting drunk RIGHT NOW, I swear. I'm, like, gonna cry and...jump off a building."
-Random guy, leaving a class at 10:30am

Guy (to a young boy outside a dorm): Is this a have-to-pee dance? Do you need to pee right now? Okay, wait, wait, wait, first we pull down our pants, and then we pee. First pants, then...
Boy: (Wets himself and begins to cry)
Guy: That's okay. Sometimes I get the steps mixed up too.
-On never really graduating to adulthood

Girl 1: Yeah so I was on that Cup of Noodles diet.
Girl 2: Isn't that unhealthy? Like is there any protein in that?
Girl 1: Well yeah I have my protein cheese stick....
-On substitutes for a functioning brain