Overheard at College

Guy #1: Nah but bro, on the real, do NOT eat Mexican food before smoking deemsters! Last time I did that I was taking .5 rips of deemsters with the drummer from string cheese... we both fucking shit ourselves bro, I'm not even kidding!
Guy #2: Dude what the FUCK are you saying?
-On the culmination to a conversation on the train between two douches about concerts they attended, and what drugs each one had done

"Today I saw a nun in a wheelchair, and all I could think of was 'Virgin Mobile.'"
-Overheard on campus

Freshman #1: Man, we gotta quit buying that expensive beer.
Freshman #2: I know. That Coors really gives you a hangover.
-On the Queen of Beers

Elderly woman: I remember telling you my fantasy and you told me, "Then do it; get it in the ass!"
Elderly man: And you still should!
-On signs it's never too late

Sales Girl #1: Hey, what do you think people use these chains for?
Sales Girl #2: It depends.... Do they have children?
-On accessories beyond fashion

"I don't know much about pies, but you just made my BANANA CREAM. "
-One of many pickup lines overheard in an all girls Phys Ed. class

"Yeah, like when I'm at a party I always fall asleep with my feet on some fat chick so they have something soft and squishy to caress."
-Guy overheard on campus

Doctor: So you say you've been having some chronic nausea, migraines and stomach pains?
Random Guy: Yes.
Doctor: Now have you used any drugs within the past year?
Random Guy: Yes.
Doctor: Marijuana?
Random Guy: Yes.
Doctor: Cocaine?
Random Guy: Yes.
Doctor: Methamphetamine?
Random Guy: Yes.
Doctor: Anything else?
Man: ....Yeah.
-Overheard confession in the ER

Girl #1: Do you have kids?
Girl #2: Of course she has kids if she has nieces!
-Overheard on the way to RETARDVILLE

Guy #1: No dude, that house is totally zombie proof! Look at the bars on the window!
Guy #2: Are you crazy? There are no door blockades! You'd be so dead in there!
-Part of a really long zombie argument overheard while walking to the cafeteria

Girl 1: I don't even know where Indianapolis is.
Girl 2: You don't know where Indianapolis is? How did you pass fourth grade geometry?
-Watching the Final Four

Girl 1: Wait, I need a name for my imaginary husband.
Girl 2: Name him Dick.
Girl 1: I can't do that.
Girl 2: Name him Richard and call him Dick.
Girl 1: What about his last name?
Girl 2:...Schwartz.
Girl 1: Dick Schwartz. That sounds like dick warts.
Girl 2:No, that's called herpes.
-Overheard in the cafeteria

"Come show us what you've got! Come to the Condom Olympics in the Activity Center."
-Flier posted in the quad

Girl: Did you fart?
Guy: No, but I've been basking in my farts all day, they aren't bad.
-On failed conversation (overheard at a party)

Random Girl: Goodbye to you all! I'm going home now.
Random Guy: Oh really? You're leaving? Why are you leaving?
Random Girl: Because I'm too drunk to drive.
-Overheard at a lake party, keys in her hand