Tuesday, March 25

Greg: Do I want a popsicle?
Tyler: I don't know Greg, can you handle a popsicle?
-On capabilities and psilocybin
Towson University

Laura: Dude, I think I have morning sickness...
Bridget: God, let's hope not!
Laura: Yeah, 'cause if it was, it would have to be the Immaculate Conception or something - I haven't had any in months.
Bridget: I'd rather you not have the Lord's baby, Laura, that kinda puts a damper on our plans.
-On a 4am road trip to Miami for Spring Break
Clemson University

Mike: Meow.
Ben: Shut the fuck up. That offends my people.
Mike: Who are your people?
Ben: It doesn't matter, but they don't like your sunglasses either.
-During physics
Gloucester County Institute of Technology

Rick: My little brother is autistic.
Erin: Yeah, well my brother has down syndrome.
Scotty: Well, all my friends are retarded.
-We have a winner
Kansas State University

Justin: What are you doing in bed so early?
Brandi: Taking science.
-Brandi, sleeptalking at 11:00

"Shut up Mr. 'Oh look at me! I've got an incredibly hot girlfriend!'"
-Steve, hiding his jealousy well
King's School

"See that pool out there? ...That's the pool."
-Travis, master tour guide
Del Mar College

"Colin, I want to go to Space Camp. We should go to Space Camp. And get some space poon."
-Jeff, always looking for new action
University of Utah

Hillary: Are you gonna vote?
Jason: I dunno. When's voting day?
Hillary: I'm not sure, but I wanna say it's March 9th.
Jason: That's Brawl's release date.
Hillary: Oh... Wow. I'm silly.
-When you know you're a Nintendork
Del Mar College

Monday, March 24

"I'd tap that... twice... and send a thank you card."
-Moh, looking at Steven Strait
University of Oregon

"To me, the existence of a god is as significant as the existence of a parasite in my grandma's butt."
-Jeff, explaining his agnosticism
University of California, Berkeley

Andrea: Of course you don't remember! Mom pulled the car over, you opened
the door and puked!
Andrea's Dad: Well, I feel better about that.
-Reliving Easter past
Michigan State University

"Why do I have marker all over my stomach... and my boobs and.. HOLY SHIT who wrote on me THERE?"
-Katie, very hung over after a night of drinking and marker tag
University of Washington

"I'm going to wait until you're all about to come on me!"
-Simon, when family Monopoly goes wrong
Michigan State University

Cross: How much did you drink last night?
Tullis: I stopped counting drinks when I stopped adding the half to the end of my age.
-Discussing levels of alcoholism
University of Oregon

Leroy's Dad: Here Roy. We're doing shots of gin whenever someone lands on a hotel.
Leroy: Are we really starting this again?
-And the game heats up
Michigan State University

"You must smell like sex... he likes to hump people that smell like sex."
-Katie, as her dog humped her best friend's leg
University of Washington

Friday, March 21

Katy: She really is improving now that she's taking her medicine. Like before she was thinking 2 + 2 = chair, but at least she's guessing numbers now.
Immanuel: Yeah, she now guesses five because it looks like a handicapped chair.
-Discussing the slightly slow girls academic improvements
Mars Hill College

Dave: Andy, guess if your card is black or red...
Andy: Uh uhhh.... okay, umm BLUE!
Dave: Dumbass.
-Yikes, that's a lot of alcohol during a game of Irish Poker
University of Illinois and Iowa State University

"Here's the problem: Monogamy with sex. That's the problem."
-Professor Z, on the joys and pains of polygamy
Old Dominion University

Hannah: Sam, I'm pregnant with your baby.
Sam (watching baseball): And it is OUTTA here! (turns to Hannah) Just like you.
-Sam getting his priorities all mixed up
King's School

Molly: What do you think about a horse that has his tongue hanging out?
Leeny: Is he foaming at the mouth?
Molly: A little.
Leeny: I’d say he might be a little crazy, but probably has a good sense of humor.
-On a day at the horse races
Seattle University

"Homosexual sex is terrifying 'cuz they put in the hiney-hole."
-Professor R, discussing lesbian literature
Old Dominion University

"I'm like a fine wine: smooth, full bodied.... goes down easy!"
-Andrew, taking the analogy all the way
University of British Columbia

Professor A: Why do men feel it's necessary to spend $150 on a steak dinner for women?
Chris: Because we want to show you you're worth it.
Professor A: I could've bought new cabinets with that money!! And I'm worth way more than $150, if you know what I mean.
-Naughty, naughty, naughty class
Old Dominion University

Molly: I don't know what time you want to get up at!
Leeny: I'll get up whenever...for you.
Molly: If only Chris had said those words to me....
-On lingering regret
Seattle University