Thursday, March 13

Sandra: We have to talk. I'm pregnant.
Jeff: Oh God. I have a bad feeling!
Sandra: It's not yours... I've been cheating on you with a guy named Ron.
Jeff: Oh thank God.
-On the bad news first
University of Alberta

Brandon: I wish when the cop knocked on the door I'd had a gun.
Jay: Yeah, but we would have had to shoot the RA too, and the witnesses.
Brandon: Yeah, the RA, but it's not like anyone on the fourth floor would give a shit. They'd be like, "You just shot that cop, right?" and I'd say "Yeah, pretty much." And they'd just go, "Damn, should I spray some Febreze on him or something?"
-Discussing their possession charges and overall dependency on Febreze
Appalachian State University

Brad: Where are my pants?
Jeff: You burned them last night in a fit of rage at me getting cheated on.
Brad: Okay, why did I not put something else on?
Jeff: You did, you found underwear in the park and wore those.
Brad: Hmm...
-On sympathy gestures
University of Alberta

Sam: I don't get enough calcium.
Lindsay: Have you tried those Vicodin pills?
Sam: Uh...you mean Viactive?
-Another drug problem solved
Ohio State University

Aileen: Is he the one with the deformed hand?
Molly: Yes. I try not to look at it because it makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit. But I take solace in the fact that he wasn't born that way.
Aileen: That makes it better?
Molly: Yeah. He's not a freak, it was just an accident.
-On comforting facts
Seattle University

Professor Macre: There's a word for businessmen like me....
(Long pause)
Jason: Well, what is it?
Professor Macre: Rhymes with "stick." Come to think of it, now there are two words.
-On business tactics
Franciscan University

"Molly, I don’t mean to gross you out, but these cramps are killing me. The clots are so bad that I don’t know if I should flush them or name them."
-Patricia, you've gone too far
Seattle University

Wednesday, March 12

"It was the Kristi Yamaguchi of shit!"
-Iggy, on his amazingly long and flexible crap
Tufts University

Kim: One child dies every minute from AIDS. Isn't that sad?
Ari: No. Children shouldn't be having sex.
Kim: Ari! They get it from their parents!
Ari: Their parents shouldn't be having sex with them!
-Ari, showing off her deliberately obnoxious side to the good girl
University of the West Indies

"I had infinity beers and two jungle juices."
-Big, on the all-important clean-up hitters
University of Illinois

Nick: Yeah, and my dad's name is Steven.
Trel: Steven, your dad's name is Paul.
Nick: Did you just call me Steven?
Trel: No I said, "Steven? Your dad's name is Paul."
-Conversation at 4:20
Pittsburgh Technical Institute

Kaitlyn's Dad: Man, this has way too much rum in it.
Kaitlyn: I am NOT related to you.
-Because the mailman isn't a lightweight
College of William and Mary

"I wanna come up with a new state. I shall call it.... Iowa."
-Katie, clearly not in the right state of mind
Seattle University

Dana: I think the biggest problem for me right at this very moment is the shoelaces that are on my desk. It's like c'mon! They do not belong there!
Bailey: But then again, it's not like there is anything you can really do about it.
-On half-hearted empathy
Saint Mary's University

Rocio: Sara...are you taking birth control with wine?
Sara: Haha, yeah, I'm so responsible.
Suz: That's to make sure the baby dies.
-On follow-up work
Loyola University Chicago

Tuesday, March 11

Professor Schrynemakers: So the question for next class is, "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a noise?"
James: If I didn't hear a word of what you just said, are any of my assignments still due?
-Proving a point in metaphysics class
St. John's University

“So I was driving along the highway and ahead of me I see a truck getting pulled over. I cranked one out before I left home. That could’ve been me pulling over. Masturbation saved me from getting a ticket.”
-Justin, on delayed satisfaction
University of Wisconsin-Whitewater

"I should do that to some guy in Scotland. Just be like, 'I want a baby.' I sometimes do that to Rob. Then it throws him off his groove. But don't post this. He'll kill me."
-Shannon, on groove-blocking
University of Waterloo

"'How do you eat a fish' will always be a philosophical question, because if it were a normal question, people would just eat fish."
-Nikesh, drunk and preoccupied with sounding smart
St. John's University

Andrea (pointing at the night sky): Look! It's Mars!
Erika: No...that's a plane.
(A few seconds go by)
Andrea: Look! It's Mars!
Erika: No...that's the same fucking plane.
-Perhaps you should point in another direction
Fairleigh Dickinson University

Rich: I have a secret...can I tell you a secret?!
Ashley: You're drunk?
Rich: Haha, no...I'm drunk.
-After drinking and playing cornhole since 9am
Miami University of Ohio

"Your boyfriend is Jewish and likes to cosplay? So, if he decides to to a Star Wars theme, can I call him Jewie or Jewbacca?"
-Erika, finding common ground
Fairleigh Dickinson University

Jody: What's with you and fat cats Danielle?
Shannon: They're hot.
-You are what you look for in a cat?
University of Waterloo

"The Wall Street Journal has great finance stuff in it. It can also be used to start a fire or line a gerbil cage."
-Professor Allen, on the multi-purpose WSJ
Western Carolina University