Thursday, September 20

"Pumpernickle.... I CAN STILL SAY IT!"
-Jesea, 15 beers deep
Cuyahoga Community College

"Damn these childproof bras!"
-Scott, on what every man is REALLY thinking about women's underwear
Bowling Green State University

Professor Ihrman: What is the greatest American novel?
Em: Moby Dick.
Professor Ihrman: Emily passes. The rest of you should wail and gnash your teeth.
-On no room for second place
Grand Valley State University

"As in all medieval stories, except those involving Jews, everyone lived happily ever after. If Jews were involved they weren't happy."
-Professor Field, on universal truths
Indiana University

"If you get into 823, there will be some 3-ways and they will get pretty ugly."
-Professor Cummings, on questionable graduate classes
Michigan State University

Avi: Is the glass half empty or half full?
Ari: The glass is empty. The glass is empty and it's broken and the shards are bloody because I used them to stab the last person who asked me this fucking question in the EYE.
-Why we don't mess with the decaffeinated
University of the West Indies

"If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck and smells like a duck, it might be a platypus..."
-Sam, on the appearance of deception
Fullerton Community College

"You don't say 'dick' to an audience of elderly people!!"
-Professor A, on why she'll never call roller coasters "leapty-dips" again
Old Dominion University

Random Girl: Get the hell away from me you fat uggo.
Steve: You know, you're one of the reasons God invented Rohypnol.
Random Girl: What's that?
Steve: Oh, it's really good, you should try some.
-Lesson for the ladies...don't be bitches
Kwantlen University College

Katie: I'm pretty sure I asked my mom today if she thought cancer tickled.
Ahmed: Okay, my friends aren't that random.
Katie: I hate having to explain to people how I got to certain thoughts...I mean it takes a while but it always makes sense. It's like playing 6 degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon in my brain.
-Connecting the dots
Iowa State University

Wednesday, September 19

(Charley tickles James)
James: EEEEEEE!
Charley: James is a mouse...a sexual mouse.
James: Yay for bestiality!
-On awkward, drunk role-playing games
Staffordshire University

Ashley: I hate wearing lipstick.
Tori: Really? Lipstick is one of my favorite things about being a girl.
Brittany: Yeah, for me it's tampons...
-Successfully grossing out everyone
Oklahoma State University

"God, I was getting rowdy in my mind, I just wanted to shout at them, like 'Shut up you're all such fucking cunts, soul-less whores,' but I dunno, I'm Catholic... that would be wrong. Whatever, then I just left and felt better because I went and hung out with G. By the way, I need to go to Planned Parenthood, can you drive me?"
-Carla, during a pro-life parade on campus held by the nuns of the local parish
Dickinson College

"I need to have like 28 kids and then I'll just keep the 2 I like best. The rest can go to Mexico and become children workers or whatever they want. I just wanna name a lot of kids."
-Kelsy, on indecisive baby naming
Nazareth College of Rochester

DJ: Frank, if you ever throw anything at me again, I will fuckin' kill you.
Frank: Which is why I threw it now instead of again.
DJ: Hey, that makes perfect sense! Fuck, I can't get mad at him for that.
-On now vs. later
Elysium University

"Hey, I have corn flakes in my pocket, can you help me get them out?"
-Dave, demonstrating why women avoid him like the plague
Monroe Community College

"I want to keep a roll of food stamps in a gold money clip. Then, when I'm at the club and some fool starts talking shit, I just whip out my food stamps and smack him across the face with 'em! Then get back to my pimpin'."
-Staff member at the blood drive, on pimping on a budget
Case Western Reserve University

"I like that girl from Sweden, I just wish she had two good eyes."
-Brandon, on the most important features
Augusta State University

"Dude! That car is the same shade of green as our blue car!"
-Danielle, dude where's your brain
Carthage College

Frank: Mr. Robes, English in high school with you was one of the best parts of my life. I still can't believe you actually told me to do drugs.
Robes: Yeah, well, as usual, you still didn't listen to instructions.
-On failed corruption
Elysium University

Monday, September 17

Kaitlyn: Oh my God, DJ, you're such a girl!
DJ: Yeah, well... your mom's a girl!
-On changing gender roles... or not
College of William & Mary

Matt: You're really flirtatious when you drink.
Jody: No, I am slutty.
Matt: That's another way of putting it.
-Dancing to the beat of an honest drum
University of Waterloo

Nate: I need to make a list of all the things I want to do before I die.
Laurie: Like what?
Nate: Skydiving, and running with the bulls...
Laurie: I want to do...you, and have babies.
Nate: Wanna practice?
-Skipping straight to the good stuff
Buena Vista University

Molly: I can't believe I loaned that book to her!
Leeny: When? Before or after?
Molly: During.
Leeny: Which one?
Molly: Hers.
-An odd understanding about the ex's new girlfriend
Seattle University

S: We should look up drinks that have Jager in them.
C: Okay. Hey, have you ever had sex with a Gator?
S: Nope, but Tim Tebow is definitely one Gator I would have sex with!
-After having consumed 3/4th of a fifth of Jager already
Gainesville State College

Girl 1: Why am I still hungry?!
Girl 2: Because you're pregnant.
Girl 1: Will you stop that? I am NOT pregnant!
Girl 2: How do you know?
Girl 1 (grabbing her belly): See that? That is plain old freshman fat. Babies do not jiggle like that!
-A couple of randoms overheard in the cafeteria
Radford University

"Trees don't run! They don't care!"
-Professor Wise, on the mobility of energy in organisms?
Southern Methodist University

Antony: How much did you have to drink tonight?
Chelsey: Not much, don't ask Aleisha, she'll lie and say i had a lot.
Antony: What were you drinking?
Chelsey: Rolling Stones...
Antony: You mean Rolling Rock? Rolling Stones are a band...
Chelsey: Well they taste good I guess...
-A "checking up on you" conversation after Chelsey got home
Kansas State University

Chelsey: What the hell are those lights in my yard??!
Tanner: Fireflies, Chelsey....
Chelsey: WOAH, those are real? I thought they were only in fairytales....
-Standing in her front yard at 1am
Kansas State University

Kelsy: Okay. I'm sending some jelly that a local winery makes and hot ketchup too. So you and your parents can see what we Yankees do in our spare time. We make food.
Sam: Funny because in our spare time, we Confederates eat food.
Kelsy: This is good. Maybe our two peoples can finally be at peace.
-Trying to bridge that pesky North/South gap
Nazareth College of Rochester/Southeastern Louisiana