Friday, October 5

"Now I'm not saying that all kids who wear eyeliner are gay, I'm just saying the guys that wear it are more likely than not, insatiable when it comes to matters regarding cock shaped appendages. The eyeliner is like a giant flag that says, 'Hey, my sphincter is stretched, my thighs are warm...time for some ass spelunking.' Oh, where was I? Oh, I'll take a bagel instead of toast and can I get my hash browns covered and smothered?"
-Booth, giving too much info while ordering a scramble
Shasta College

"Hey, get that dog out of the oven, my pizza's in there."
-Sara, sleep-talking through a dinner nightmare
Bowling Green State University

"There are heterosexuals, homosexuals and I guess bisexuals, but really bisexuals are just people who are greedy."
-Professor Watson, on the sexual truth
Regis University

"Long enough to get the job done, but not so much that it's butt-fluff."
-Professor A, on the perfect essay length
Old Dominion University

(Talking after Jon walked out of his room with an erection at 3am to get the pizza he ordered)
Winston: Can you imagine being that pizza guy and someone answers the door with a boner?
Nick: I answer the door like that all the time, but...I just love pizza.
-Different strokes for different folks
Florida State University

Andrew: Did it hurt when you fell...
Lauren: From Heaven?!
Andrew: No, off the swing.
-On crash landings
Anne Arundel Community College

Jenna: Go get me some tickets!
Amanda: Okay I'll go rob a flight store.
Jenna: Good, go!
Amanda: No! What the hell's a flight store?
-On confusing robberies
University of New England

Erin: It was so weird...I was sitting there talking to you and I thought you were just listening with your eyes closed since you were still drinking your beer... then I noticed you were sleeping.
Mike: I was sleeping and drinking at the same time?
Erin: Yeah!!
Mike: That can't be a good sign.
-On true alcoholism
University of Alberta

Jason: I really don't get any of these math questions.
Rich: I can solve it.
Jason: How?
Rich: Suicide pact.
-Desperation in its purest form
Coventry University

"Someone come hold me up so I can take another shot!"
-Lazza, on the floor hugging the garbage, still trying to reach the tequila
Marymount College

"'We should ride around with tinted windows in case your real boyfriend is around.' 'We might should!'"
-Professor A, presenting another hypothetical conversation of hilariousness
Old Dominion University

Thursday, October 4

Professor Reynolds: Does the size of the House of Representaitves matter? DOES SIZE MATTER? I won't ask the ladies.. But, does size matter?! Seriously? OF COURSE SIZE MATTERS!! The House is bigger than the Senate! They are HUGE! DO NOT FORGET THAT!
Steve: Oh God. We won't.
-How to burn facts into classroom minds
Saint Leo University

Sarah: Have you met any girls lately?
Scott: Yeah, I've known this girl for a while, I saw her on Saturday.
Sarah: You really need to try to get girls when you're sober.
Scott: I was sober!!! There was no drinking involved...
Sarah: Yeah but you need to get laid. Get her drunk and then fuck her.
-Drunk-dialing the virgin
Central Connecticut State University

Chris: Did I miss anything?
Rob: Just the strippers and cheeseburgers.
Chris: There were cheeseburgers?
-On priorities, after getting to the party late
University of California, Los Angeles

Emily: ESB is my new favorite beer, it has my initials!
Dan: What, Easy Stupid Bitch?
Emily: I may be easy but you are the one that has trouble staying hard!
Dan: We were on our third round!
Emily: Well if you had done it right the first time you wouldn't have had to try again.
Dan: Easy Stupid Bitch...
-Dan and Emily on the wonders of being a couple
Hanover College

"I've been told human flesh tastes like pork."
-Professor Gartman, keeping questionable company
University of South Alabama

"Every time there's an awkward silence, a gay baby is born... I make a lot of gay babies."
-Colin, on alternative birth
Saint Leo University

K Si: Dude, class is over can you come get me?
TK: There are so many cell phone Playstation situations....
K Si: Wha-uh.....?
-TK, half-sleep-talking on the phone, technologically speaking
Joliet Junior College

Jake: Dude they got different flavored popcorn salt now. Check this out, it's jalapeno-flavored popcorn salt!
Chris: This stuff smells go-- OH FUCK!
-On things NOT to sniff
University of Wisconsin, Whitewater

"A whale's hip bones are vestigial, useless and pointless but still present, kind of like your nipples, Trevor."
-Professor Rubino, on evolution
Hanover College

"It's a shame people say playing video games is bad for you. I mean, Johnson says it's good for you. It's like CRACK! Instant gratification! Oh look, I got a shotgun!"
-Professor Jones, on the newest class reading
Central Connecticut State University

Wednesday, October 3

"If you don't talk like a pirate Wednesday, I will forever call you 'Poop Deck'. And I'll make sure the girls you are interested in know this nickname as well. Then the only thing between your legs forever and ever will be your stupid hog. That isn't even a bike. It's a Honda!"
-John, preparing a friend for International Talk Like A Pirate Day
Oakland City University

"That has absolutely nothing to do with penguins."
-Corbin, reaffirming a non-arctic connection through sleep-talk
University of Wisconsin, Whitewater

Emily: How long do you think you'll be at the party before you go home to fuck?
Jody: Well, let's see, I have 4 beers left...so, half an hour?
-The penis calls
University of Waterloo

Professor: So can anyone think of the term that is used to describe the perfect image of humanity and culture during this time period?
Adam: The Aryan race?
Professor: Um no. It's actually Utopia, but you should probably rethink what you just said.
-On Dystopian answers
University of Minnesota-Duluth

C: Shit!!!
M: What?
C: I forgot my pill.
M: You probably don't wanna take that with alcohol.
C: Why? Drunk people don't want babies either.
-On universal birth control
Nazareth College of Rochester

"The hot dogs?! You threw them away? But that's like throwing away food!!"
-Shauna, on the other use of hot dogs?
University of California Los Angeles

Ryan: They just did a squib kick.
Kaitlyn: Squid? Like Squidward?
Julianne: Are you guys talking about Harry Potter?
-When girls ruin moments
College of William & Mary

"I don't understand why women say it is so hard to orgasm. If someone told me there was a special tooth in my mouth that if I pressed it could make me orgasm, I would be sitting there, poking around my mouth until I fucking found it."
-Trevor, on the mystery of the O
Brandeis University

Dany: What's the best speed to have sex?
Greg: Slow and steady?
Dany: No silly goose, 68 'cause at 69 your ass is turned around.
-Pulling a fast one
Liberty University

"You don't really have to be in shape to be a business teacher. Like me for example: I don't have a six pack, I have a whole keg. That's right, I'm bringing it AND I'm keeping it cold."
-Professor Patrick, on prerequisites for teaching
Nebraska Wesleyan University

Tuesday, October 2

"Good for Hitler, actually did something right."
-Drew, on banning smoking
Michigan State University

Komal (while watching Law and Order SVU): Wait, so... if it's forced in your vagina, it's rape, and if it's in your butt, it's sodomy?
Michele: For real?!!
Komal: That wasn't the right kind of answer for what I asked.
Michele: Yeah...oh no. Yeaaah. You're right.
-We may never know
Rutgers University

"So then you get A+A=A, so A must equal 0. And you don't even need my indian black magic to do this. Your American white magic should work."
-Professor Sivakumar, bridging the language barrier
Texas A&M University

"And here we have the religious right's favorite ethnic group...the Nogays"
-Professor Higley, on Turkish ethnic groups
University of Montevallo

Leah: So do we end up back here when we're done?
Kurt: Yeah, because this is the only river that goes around in a circle.
-Mother Nature: 1 Leah: 0
Ferris State University

"If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, and it goes to a Bright Eyes concert, well, it's probably an emo kid. I'll bet it cuts itself too."
-Ryan, on dead giveaways
California State University, Chico

"You need to change what you're smoking."
-Professor Nezlak, on cures for colorblindness
College of William & Mary

"I wish women had cruise control."
-Bryce, tired of stepping on the gas
McNeese State University

"Oh my God these things smell! Seriously, if I get high and pass out you'll all know why. Here you can all get high with me!"
-Professor Patrick, waving dry erase markers in the faces of people in the front row
Nebraska Wesleyan University

"That's why we should have extra lives, for doing cool shit like dueling!"
-CT, on one ups
University of Florida

Monday, October 1

"Explain the profit and loss system, Andrew. By the way, how is your mother?"
-Professor Buchko, making oral discussion especially uncomfortable
Cuyahoga College

Amanda: He who stands on toilette is high on pot!! GET IT?!
Jess: HAHAHAHA... Wait, no.
-Amanda, standing on toilet with a joint in hand
Saint Leo University

"You can get second hand smoke, but you can't get second hand fat."
-Carlos, during a class discussion on "Super Size Me"
Northern Illinois University

Becca: They also made a mistake in Chapter 2.
Professor: Yeah I'm not surprised, the authors take too many drugs.
-On the downside of chemistry
Michigan State University

Ben: So, what are you up to Saturday evening? (long pause) The correct answer was "coming over to Ben's place to chill."
Wiggles: Now is this going to be a bunch of people chilling, or Wiggles getting tied up with a belt and left in the woods behind Murray Hill Road just like daddy used to chilling?
-On chilling effects
Case Western Reserve University

Julia: Are you going to the frats tonight?
Tessa: Yeah, you should come with me.
Julia: I need to do homework, I have a bunch of shit due tomorrow.
Tessa: Well, I have three kids and a house in the country due in twenty years.
-On life planning
College of William & Mary

"I'm just going to sit here and be pretty and everything will fall into place."
-Giel, 5 minutes before exams
Vassar College

Jesea: So did you stick it in Lacey's butt yet?
Ricky: DUDE! That's my girlfriend...of course I stuck it in her butt!
-On the givens
Cuyahoga College

"Oh, Colin. You're so cute in that 'Don't eat the soap' kinda way."
-Amanda, coming clean
Saint Leo University

"So the Romans believed in realism in theater. If the characters had sex, actors screwed onstage, porn live, if a character was murdered, kill the actor, onstage. The stage must have been covered in human juice of some kind. Are you excited? Of course you aren't, it's 8 in the morning. Fuck, I'm not excited. Can someone go get me some coffee?"
-Professor C, demonstrating why people take History of Theater
University of Maine