Friday, November 30

"Just admit you're gay and go to sleep!"
-Keegan, being a supportive girlfriend
Northern Michigan University

"If I was an STD, I'd wear lots of eyeliner."
-Kaitlyn, before the costume party
College of William and Mary

Matt: Let's make another pizza.
Matt B: Yeah dude.
Katie: No guys, we'd have to get up.
Matt: Yeah, you're right. Nevermind.
Matt (20 minutes later): Shit, guys, our pizza is in the oven.
Katie: Fuck, okay I'll go get it.
Matt B: Wait, we didn't make pizza....
-Fucking baked
Georgia Southern University

"Oh! It's not just a "stick the thingy in the hole and jiggle it 'till it pops!"
-Tony, on the bathroom door lock
Northern Michigan University

"He twisted my boobs like they were two fucking Bop-Its sticking out of my chest... Boing, Zing, Bop!"
-Tessa, on awful drunken hookups
College of William and Mary

Professor Jay: Why aren't you two sitting together?
Lee: Jennie wasn't putting out, so I had to let her go.
Professor Jay: That's not what I heard.
-When the rumor mill reaches the front of the class
Kansas State University

"Zachary Taylor was one of the most incompetent presidents we've had. Some say he died of food poisoning after giving a long speech at the erection of the Washington monument. The food and milk sat in the hot sun for hours as he went on and on about George Washington and then he was the first to rush to the table and stuff his face while others watched."
-Professor Lucas, telling history as it really went down
Cornell College

"I don't think you really get dizzy when you're drunk, you just gain a sense of how fast the Earth is really moving."
-Beth, drunk, on motion detection
Central Florida Community College

Charley: ...McDonald's.
James: What?
Charley: McDonalds and Pizza Hut.
James: ...What about McDonald's and Pizza Hut?
Charley: Kangaroos!
-Sleep-talking
Staffordshire University

Thursday, November 29

“I got your name tattooed on me, I put baby oil on it.... You let guys skeet on my name tat”!
-Lamont, talking to his girl that cheated
Old Dominion University

"Now that I'm 21, can we get a monkey?! We'll go on an exotic website...NO!"
-Jen, drunk on her 21st
Northern Michigan University

Mike: The damn tornados.
Jake: What?
Mike: Those fucking hotdogs.
Jake: What are you talking about?
Mike: At speedway.
Jake: Tornado hotdogs at speedway?
Mike: Yeahhhh.
Jake: Huh?
Mike: Yeah tornado hotdogs.
Jake: All beef?
Mike: All beef and turkey but no beef with ham and spam.
Jake: So you're saying theres a tornado with all beef and turkey but no beef with ham and spam hotdogs at speedway?
Mike: No, beside speedway.
Jake: Ohhhhhh.
Mike: Where are we?
-Mike, insanely hammered, talking nonsense (yeah, we made a length exception)
University of Kentucky

Denise: (seconds after cutting open a bag of cookie mix) Dude, you didn't cut this open enough.
Kate: I didn't cut it.
Denise: (about a minute later) Wait... did I cut it?
-Baking cookies while high
St. Cloud State University

Adam: You're just going to leave your car behind?
Gary: Yeah, they're like potato chips.
Adam: Cars are like potato chips?
Gary: Yeah, you can't only eat one.
-On automotive crunches
Drexel University

"So I almost forgot that it was Party Weekend this morning, but then I remembered that when I woke up there were three hours from the previous night missing from my memory."
-Trevor, using memory loss as a tool
University of the South

Carl: I would switch days with people in my classes and take notes every third or fourth class, then we'd photocopy them. It worked out well until they saw my notes, which were mostly doodles of pirates.
Jan: Why pirates?
Carl: I had a lot of space and pirates have epic battles.
-On college rule clashes
University of Illinois

"It's much better if you know it than if you don't know it!"
-Professor Stranz on the finer points of accounting
Centenary College

Alex: Chris you are to drunk for a keg stand, you are lying on the ground.
Chris: Then spray the beer into my mouth while I lay here.
-On horizontal improvisation
University of Washington

"Do not chase the Jew with the pork!"
-Leanne, in the middle of Asda
Staffordshire University

Tuesday, November 27

"I just don't get why everything's falling apart for me."
-Jon, after being denied sex
Clark College

Tanya: Did you cut your pie with a pizza cutter?
Kevin: No, I cut it with a knife then served it with the pizza cutter cause it was falling over and I needed something wide and I didn't have one of those plastic shovels kids play with.
-On college food serving etiquette
Wagner College

Larry: I accidentally did the paper half-assed, Dr. Jay.
Professor Jay: I want full ass, whole ass....don't be lazy with the cheeks.
-On full coverage
University of Utah

Perry: I am not a hillbilly, even if I am from Kansas.
Claire: Here's what I picture when I think of you in Kansas, Perry: running around in your overalls barefoot screaming, "Pa! Pa, the cows got out again!"
Robbie: That is a bitch though, cows are mysterious creatures. They just circle around looking for a way out.
-The real hillbilly reveals himself
Regis University

Jill: Calling someone "trailer park trash" isn't an insult, it's an adjective.
Billman: What's an adjective?
-On bigger problems
Howard Community College

Marty: I hope you turn into a quadriplegic someday or at least a paraplegic.
Brock: What's the difference?
Marty: Para is from the waist down.
Brock: So quadra is from the waist up?
-After Brock made fun of a guy in a wheelchair
Ohio State University

Caitlin: You are so cute, I can't stay mad at you.
Vanek: I know, I have that problem too.
Caitlin: Yeah let's see how cute you are when I cut off your penis.
-On unstable companions
Regis University

"So get out there and fuck 'em."
-Professor Kelly, on why fellow student minorities should go vote against the majority
Northeastern University

"Hey whore, you fucked my boyfriend. I hope this doesn't happen again. He'll kill you and I'll kill you right after. Bye."
-Leigh, listening to her voicemail after a wild night
College of William and Mary

Monday, November 26

“Off the coast of South America there is a plug that they un-cork every couple of years so they can drain out all the water and study the ocean floor.”
-Professor Graydon, weeding out the idiots
Seattle University

Seth: Dude, just rinse it off with some water.
Ryan: OH, just where do I get this magical fucking water?
-Ryan, drunk while camping in the Minnesota Boundary Waters
University of Minnesota Duluth

"Sometimes when you're moving too fast, you forget to pull out."
-Professor Prichens, discussing tournament problems with her speech and debate class
Sacramento State University

"I'd tell you my honest opinion but I don't want to piss you off when I tell you you're ugly."
-Nick, while drunk, talking to an ugly chick
University of Nebraska

Kyle: You got me off and then you flicked me. Thanks for getting me off. Say you're welcome....
Jody: I WILL NOT!
Kyle: A "you're welcome" would be very nice...
Jody: I won't say it!
-Causing confusion during class
University of Waterloo

Samantha: Have you guys been playing this video game all day?
Chris: No, we put in a different game a few hours ago.
Scott: And I pooped a while ago.
Chris: And Travis is getting high in the corner.
Travis: Huh?
-On complacency
University of California, San Diego

Casey: Do you remember Terry Schiavo?
Theresa: Ohhh, yeah! Wait, why?
Casey: I don't know...just thinking about her.
-Some people just make impressions
Denison University

“Anyone who doesn’t do well on this test is a loser.”
-Professor Quittman, voicing his encouragement
Seattle University

Amanda: What's the difference between zucchini and mozzarella?
Cassy: Um...one's a vegetable and one's a cheese.
Amanda: Yeah, but how does that make them different?
Cassy: Umm...in your case, I don't think it makes a difference.
-Failing at the food groups
University of South Carolina