Wednesday, November 14

Brock: I want nothing but whiskey and chicken nuggets...
Tommy: Fuck everyone else in the world.
-Surprisingly typical conversation
University of South Florida

Brian: Didn't you ever watch Dragonball Z?
Scott: No, what the hell are you talking about?
Brian: Okay, basically, it's these guys with Dragons' balls and it makes them really badass because of it.
-Drunk take on a classic cartoon

Tessa (videochatting with a friend from home): You remember that townie I hooked up with?
Kaitlyn: You hooked up with a townie?
Tessa: Not here, in high school.
Kaitlyn: That's just as bad.
Tessa: Shut up, you ARE a townie!
-Always bashing the in-state kids
College of William & Mary

Alex: I have your stuff in the car.
Megan: What stuff?
Alex: You know the pottery made by other people that's green....
Megan: ......
Alex: Tupperware! I have your Tupperware!
-The words just wouldn't come
University of Oklahoma

Gail: What is that building over there?
Leah: It's a frat house.
Bill: That's not a frat house, that's a house for mentally challenged people!
Leah: So yeah, it's a frat house.
-On the fine art of drawing parallels
Duquesne University

Jimmy: Ahhh... guys?
Jeff: Jimmy! Remove your cell phone from my egg flower soup!!
Jimmy: Fine fine. (rinses phone in the sink) This better work tomorrow.
-Wasted and cooking don't mix
University of Washington

Random Guy: Are either of you girls 18?
Jody: Yeah....
Random Guy: So, will you go in there and buy me a dildo?
Jody: Ummm, no.
-Random guy on the streets of Kitchener
University of Waterloo

Natalie: Unless you have some big money to support major bling, there's no reason to wear sunglasses inside the club. You look like a dumbass.
Erik: The sun never sets on a badass.
-Touche, pimpin'
Elgin Community College

Dan: I just want a hobble of coffee to take home.
Jess: Is that like the Hubble telecraft?
-On new coffee carrying devices
University of New Hampshire

"Fuck you, you fucking mammoth testicle! And I'd ask your mammoth vagina to fall over but you'd only have an orgasm!"
-Rachael, losing on Nintendo Wii bowling

Rachelle: I'm such a little angel.
Rachael: Yeah, and the Pope is Jewish.
Rachelle: Who's the Pope?
-Misrepresenting the angels

Tuesday, November 13

"My Id says, 'I want to have sex with all of you!' My Ego says, 'Okay, calm down, let's see if we can make this work.'"
-Professor McAndrew, on how Freud's Id and Ego work
Knox College

"Mountain time is my favorite time because it's just like Central Time, but everything is one hour earlier!"
-Matt, trying to justify having a favorite time zone
Wayne State College

"Zack, I wish my penis could do what your penis does."
-David, on drunken hookups
North Carolina State University

Liz: Did you know the sun is 15 million degrees Fahrenheit? I'm pretty sure we'd die.
Sadie: Is there 1 percent of you that doesn't think so?
-Reading random Snapple facts
Knox College

Will: Dude what are you doing?
Joana: I'm so baked right now, I just spent five minutes trying to put on a towel.
Will: What the the hell, could you not get it wrapped around you?
Joana: No man, I thought it was a pair of pants and couldn't figure out where the leg holes were.
-Reaching new levels of confusion
Everett Community College

Janelle: So, if we weren't going with the Colonel, I was going to wear a nice low cut v-neck, to give our boys in uniform a little peep show.
Broc: What?!
Janelle: What? I support our troops.
-Deciding what to wear to the air show at Nellis Air Force Base, with Broc's retired Colonel grandpa
University of Nevada, Las Vegas

Rebecca: What were you for Halloween, Sivakumar?
Sivakumar: Please...I look like a terrorist and I lecture mathematics for a living. How could I possibly get scarier?
-Professor Sivakumar, wearing his costume on his sleeve
Texas A&M University

Anthony: Bumblebees are supposed to eat honey, not Diet Coke! Oh man, I'm dumb, bumblebees don't eat honey, they make it!
Brittney: No they eat it, why else would they make it? Did you think they made it for people to eat?
Anthony: They could make it for fun.
-When bees get bored
Washington State University

"You're a year older now, don't you feel like you can just take over the world? (funny stares from people) ....or at least Mexico??"
-KayLin, on manifest destiny
Clark College

"Lucas, if you waste that steak, I will kill myself so I can haunt you as a ghost."
-Frank, dedicated to the meat family
Elysium University

Monday, November 12

Professor: If you were referred to a psychologist and found out they were posing naked for something like Playboy, would you still go to them? ...Richard?
Richard: I would pose naked.
-Not understanding the question
Saint Leo University

"You want your mother, but you want your penis...you can't have both."
-Professor McAndrew, during a lecture on child development
Knox College

Kyle's Grandma: How much do you drink up there in college?
Kyle: 20 beers a night.
Kyle's Grandma: GOSH! You can't even walk if you drink that much.
Kyle: Nope, but I can drive.
-Getting the beaming glare from Kyle's dad
Texas A&M University

"There's a lot going on tonight on campus. Mollie Angelheart, although I don't think that's her real name, is here. She is what they call a 'slam poet.' I don't really know what that means...maybe she slams her books on the ground or slams her audience...but either way it should be interesting."
-Professor Connell, in the know
Cornell College

"Oh crap! Where did it go? I lost it. Oh well, I'll just take this instead."
-Julie, substituting peppermint Tic-Tacs for birth control; future doctors of America right here, folks
Kirksville College of Osteopathic Medicine

Erin: I guess if you say anything with a serious voice, they can't laugh or make fun of you. They HAVE to take you seriously.
Hilary: Well then Erin, how do you feel about butt sex?
-On a mission trying to figure out Erin's relationship with a boy
Appalachian State University

Julie: Why did you put your purse in the washer?
Jen: I spilled lemonade powder in it.
Julie: Okay...but why'd you put it in the washer?
Jen: I'm not gonna just leave the lemonade in it.
-Making lemonade out of powder
Kennesaw State University

Doctor: We're going to give you a cat scan.
Cari: Do I have to take my piercings out?
Doctor: What all do you have?
Cari: Well, I have 2 in my belly button, my nipples and my hood.
Doctor: *gives weird look*
Cari: My, ummm... my uhhhh.... genitalia?
-Awkward nights at the ER
Buena Vista University

"You wake up, its dark, cold, and you don't want to get out of bed, but you do anyways because you might get sex."
-Professor McAndrew, explaining Freud's beliefs
Knox College

Kyle: Anne, do a keg stand.
Anne: No. I don't drink upside down.
-On one-way streets
Texas A&M University