Monday, November 5

"To get rid of the Austrian rulers they just threw them out the window. Fortunately, there was a dung heap under the window, which was about a 30 foot drop, so they didn't die...they just walked back smelling bad."
-Professor Connell, always looking on the bright side of German history
Cornell College

Corey: You're gonna be roadkill if you keep walking in front of cars.
Leah: Well, you guys can eat me then.
-On the girl dressed as a black cat
Anne Arundel Community College

Em: I'm actually deaf.
Betty: Me too! AND I'M AN IMMIGRANT!
Jody: Apparently being from another country makes it harder to hear.
-On foreign handicaps
University of Waterloo

Aamir: Are you racist?
Aaron: No...
Aamir: Then why have you never had sex with a black woman?
-Pondering the different forms of racism on a road trip
University of Oklahoma

Josh: Is there a Tourette's Anonymous?
Lindsay: If you have Tourette's, I think people will know.
-On a solution to why Josh fidgets so much
Grove City College

Professor P: Why are you shaking your head?
Student: Because you don't know the answer to the question.
Professor P: You think I'm supposed to know this stuff?! I don't have a degree in this stuff. I took a class once though.
-On minimum teaching qualifications
Saint Leo University

Jody: Kristy, your cleavage looks amazing in this picture!
Kristy: Thanks. I owe it all to the weight of my arm pushing in on one side and you on the other. You know, good cleavage does not come on its own...it takes hard work, perseverance, and help from friends. Remember that. Write that down.
-On natural female enhancement
University of Waterloo

RA: Do you guys have a cat in your room?
Lindsay: Umm, no... Actually that was me.
Tyler: Yeah, she meows at night.
-After a late-night RA knock on the door in the dorms
Portland State University

Cari: You have a vertical vagina.
Court: I do not! I do not have a vertical vagina!
Alisha: Court, vertical is up and down. You do have a vertical vagina.
Court: Oh shit. I do have a vertical vagina.
-On sideways blonde moments
Buena Vista University

Ben: ...So I was reading this comic and this guy told the other guy to go spit in a sock.
David: HA!
Ben: Yeah, I figured he would get athlete's foot or something.
David: Dude... spit in a sock.... SPIT in a SOCK.
Ben: Oh shit!
-Misinterpreting masturbation references at a sober 5 am
Virginia Tech University

Friday, November 2

Professor Luis: Mr. Sullivan, please stand for the discussion portion of class.
(Sully stumbles up)
Professor Luis: Ola, buenos dias, como es usted?
Sully: BUENOOOOO!!
Sully: (cell phone rings) Un momento.... OLA!!!! ... Nah Nah, I'm in el SpanishO. … Oh definitely can't pick your ass up. ... Because I am fucking shitfaced right now, guy.
Professor Luis: Mr. Sullivan, I suggest you leave.
Sully: SWEEEEEEET.
-Why NOT to drink before Spanish class
Boston University

Jon: I will always carry around this little Pikachu figure with me. It's a symbol of who I am!
Frank: Um, yellow on the outside and electric on the inside?
Jon: NO! I am neither Asian nor a conductor.
-On symbolic gestures
Elysium University

Mike: Hey, you want to go to the airport for our psychology experiment?
Jason: Why should we go to the airport for that?
Mike: Because the professor told us to do a pilot study...
-On the price of face value
California State University, Fresno

"In German aristocracy, everybody wins!"
-Professor Connell, a little too excited
Cornell College

Alex: Why are you going out with your ex-girlfriend?
Jesea: I like to recycle.
-Reduce, reuse, repeat
Cuyahoga College

Booth: What in the fuck? The Squire is turning into the biggest scene kid bar.
D: What did you think was gonna happen, this place rules.
Booth: Well, I thought all the fucking emo kids would have killed themselves dead by now and I could enjoy a beer without someone getting mascara they borrowed from their sister in it.
-Panic! at the bar
Shasta College

Adam: Come on Eric, don't you know how to play thumb wars?
Mike: Come on Adam, of course not. He's German, all he knows how to play is tank vs. Jew.
-On the importance of tradition
Boston University

Heather: Baby you wanna come to church with me on Sunday....?
K Si: No, way, I'd rather masturbate with sandpaper.
K Si: Uhhh, no thanks, got a date with a concentration camp....
K Si: Sorry, gotta shave my balls (picking up a piece of broken glass).
K Si: Can't, gonna go volunteer my ass at the prison.
K Si: ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID!!!! THE BEARS PLAY ON SUNDAY!!!!!
-And now you've just beared witness to the end of a relationship
Joliet Junior College

Rachel: The guys only invited her to the party 'cause she said she had no gag reflex.
Travis: Was it true?
Rachel: Steve confirmed.
-On post-entry verification
Rice University

Tiffany: Never have I ever blacked out.
Jordan: I have once.
Russ: I think I did, but I don't remember.
-Knowing your limits
Southern Methodist University