Wednesday, January 10

Heather: If our planet is in the Milky Way, how can we see it?
Professor: If you're in a forest can you see the trees?
Heather: I guess so...
-On middle grounds, during class discussion
Inver Hills Community College

"College is an extension of high school. Grow up."
-Professor C, on maturity
Dartmouth University

Cody: Dude your allergies are really bad today.
Dave: Fuck, I need some of that stuff from Glimmer man.
Cody: What are you talking about? Allergy medicine?
Dave: No man I need some deer penis and shit.
-On unfortunate herbal addictions
Texas A&M University

Lilly: Don't you have a straw with this?
Darryl: We don't drink from a straw, we're 18, not 9 years old.
Lilly: But I want to drink from a straw.
Darryl: You don't suck me with a straw do you?
-On aging techniques
ROC Netherlands

Pete: Don't die on me... or under me because that would be awkward.
Nikki: True. The question is, would you dress me first before calling the police?
Pete: The real question is, would I finish before calling the police.
-On last call, after Nikki coughed in bed
Northern Illinois University

Shane: I'm fat.
Brittany: Fat?! You're as fat as an Ethiopian.
Erin: What's an Ethiopian?
-While having lunch
Penn State University

"If it where dark, then the shadows would be bright!"
-Johan, during an art discussion
University of Nebraska

"Now, if only say, the cute people in class reproduce, then they pass on their genes to their children... and then hopefully the rest of us get a turn."
-Professor Naish, trying to help his class understand evolution
University of Washington

Kristen: We don't know what we did and cant get your TV to work! The screen is in black and white and the images aren't centered, what do we do?
Katie: Well make sure its plugged in...then call me back!
-Worst advice ever
University of Washington

Harry: I can't believe that hiker that got lost in the rainforest survived byeating snails and slugs.
Jose: If he likes slimy fat chewy things in his mouth he should call me.
Harry: You just don't stop with your dick, do you?
Jose: Is that what your mom said?
Harry: Eat me.... Fuck, I did it again.
-On knowing when to quit
University of Puerto Rico

Tuesday, January 9

Rooney: I like horses.
Leslie: Really?
Rooney: No, but if a horse was standing next to a cow, I'd like the horse better.
-Rooney, trying to pick up a girl
University of British Columbia

"I want to put my weiner in your buns. It needs a little ketchup on it anyways."
-Justin, failing to hookup with his fiancé while she was on the rag
St. Mary of the Woods College

Callie: Oh I know what you mean, mine's in the twenties. The worst part is they were almost all one night stands.
Amanda: Well mine are in the twenties too... but the worst part is they weren't one night stands!
-On "the number" perspectives
University of Washington

Tyler: Dude what the hell?
Tony: Sully why did you eat the lime?
Sully: I was wondering where the gum came from.
-Sully, on his 21st
Portland Community College

"Rule number one: never trust a statistic. It's pretty ironic that I'm saying this on the first day of class, but everything you're about to learn is useless."
-Professor H, on the first day of Stats
Auburn University

Professor Grant: In fact, it's rather like the view in the movie The Matrix, which some of you may have seen. The "there is no spoon" mentality. It rather-- yes, Rob?
Rob: Sorry, I just don't get it. Where is this spoon, and why does anyone care?
Professor Grant: Don't be a math major, Rob. You're too logical.
-Professor Grant, on Platonic idealism
University of Southern California

Dave: Name something good you actually did this year.
Lauren: I did plenty of good things!
Dave: Mercy fucking doesn't count.
-On forced generosity
Grand Valley State University

"That's why Asian girls are so hot. I know it's wrong, but it's hot when you hit 'em."
-Steve-o, watching The Transporter
California State Polytechnic University, Pomona

Kevin: I'm gonna throw you the sleaziest bachelor party ever.
Darren: I'll wind up with like 5 STDs. I'll have super gonorrhea.
Kevin: It won't just be the clap, it'll be a standing ovation.
-On fitting ends to bachelorhood
University of Memphis

Monica: Cutelin! What are you doing! Take your shirt back off!
Cutelin: No. I don't have your clavicles.
-On dance party make or breaks
University of Cincinnati

Monday, January 8

Elissa: Oh my god, that boy has the same shirt as me!
Beth: That's YOU, you fuck!
-Drunk, looking at pictures online
University of Maryland

"Of course it was the anal sex, Tom! What do you think all the butter was for?!?"
-Mary Lou, on NC-17 movie standards
Old Dominion University

"Are you from heaven, 'cause I've got an erection!"
-Lewis, desperately trying to pick up girls
University of Georgia

Justin: So I made a pass at you in your dream last night?
Becca: Yeah, the next thing you know I'll be fucking you. And it won't be pretty.
-Becca, on the ugly truth
Oakland City University

Greg: Hey, there's no traction in inviscid flow, is there? 'Cause mu goes to zero, and that's the term in our Laplacian traction equation.
Darren: I don't know if that's right...
Greg: No, it must be. That's why, at the beginning of the year, we weren't doing traction, because we supposed that mu was zero.
Darren: Okay, I guess that makes sense.
Tracy (looking at her laptop screen): Hey, do you guys wanna see a drunk horse?
-There's one in every study group, and if you don't know who it is, it's you
University of Western Ontario

Professor: This is all the reading we will do in this class because the rest of Aristotle's transcripts have yet to be found.
David: Thank god.
-On things better left buried
University of California, Irvine

Kimberly: I've got Aladdin in here.
Elissa: Woah! What? You've got a vibrator in there?
Kimberly: No! It's my hookah you fuck!
-On hidden magic
University of Maryland

"If flies don't have wings, are they called walks?"
-Ian, letting out a brain fart
University of Georgia

"Man, what is the deal? I keep going down on everyone's Top 8!"
-EBeth, shaming herself
Buena Vista University

Danielle: I can't eat the banana walking across campus! What if I fall and choke on it or something?
Steph: You can't choke on a banana... besides, it's a little one. That's not the biggest thing you've ever had in your mouth.
Danielle: You're giving some people too much credit.
-On banana dreams
Carthage College

Well-placed follow-up to yesterday's misplaced quote of the day:

Dear Santa,
I guess I'm asking a lot for Christmas this year. I really want someone special under my tree Christmas morning with a bow on her head and a dirty smile on her face. All she should want is a regular sized penis and a non committal/exclusive relationship, and when we're through she'll realize we weren't meant to be be together and she won't call/stalk me. I guess I want the exact opposite of ally. Thank you much,
Max
P.S. If she could have good "oral" skillz as well, that would be sweet. I love you Santa, and have a happy New Year.
UC Santa Barbara