In journalism, we call notes that we don't have time to write about (or don't want to write about) a "slush pile" or a "green stack." It's something that will always work, but maybe life or better stories found a way to be more important.
The only thing the English gave the US was the fake London Bridge. And they didn't give it to us, they sold it to us.Every so often, I like to write a column of failed column ideas. Usually, they're a hit, which proves that even when I think I'm writing something shitty, people still think I'm funny. Or, maybe what I think is funny really sucks and what I think sucks is actually funny. Which could explain Jason Lee's recent career, Garfield, and all the Scary Movie knockoffs of the past decade. Who knows?
Anyway, here's some crap that I thought was worth jotting down in my notebook, but not really good enough to waste time writing.
Blowjobs vs. Massage
Sometimes when I'm wooing a girl to let me put my penis somewhere inside her body I'll give her a massage. If I'm feeling saucy, I'll go down on her. If I'm really desperate, I'll do both. But how come I never get both? Usually, I just opt for a blowjob. Then I take a nap. Massages are cool and all, but I can get a blind guy at the massage parlor to do that. Then again, I don't want a blind guy blowing me.
Banned in China
I'm pretty badass. "Thank Me Later," the world-famous Internet column you're reading right now, is banned in China because I'm profane, sexist, moderately intelligent, and immoderately drunk. Yeah, but Facebook, freedom, and labor laws are also banned, so I guess censorship isn't all that bad.
Defense of my Man-Purse
I wrote this on plenty of Post-It notes and even in my "NOTES" notebook. But besides the easy access of putting stuff into a man-purse, I can't really think of other "defenses." Maybe, it makes me look like I'm so important that I need to carry an ENTIRE computer everywhere I go? Nope.
France is Better than England
This is another rebuttal to all the anti-American hatred coming from the people who read the PIC column "Why America is Better than England." My reasons: French fries are a better name than the English word for them, "chips"; French bread is better than English muffins (not true when we count raisin English muffins); French toast and the Statue of Liberty, who's a French chick in case you were wondering. The only thing the English gave the US was the fake London Bridge. And they didn't give it to us, they sold it to us. The only joke I wrote for this column was, "And France gave us French kissing. Have you ever heard of an English kiss? It sounds like something a soccer hooligan does to a Manchester United fan during the English Premier WhoGivesAFuckAboutSoccer League. Or maybe an English kiss is a shitty lemony-gin cocktail. Either or, making out is pretty cool. No matter what nationality you are."
Canada is Better than England
Again, I was pissed at British people making fun of the States. So I thought I'd tell people about the second-greatest country in America (sorry Mexico, but you suck). I began this column by explaining the superiority of not only Canadian whiskey, but also Canadian beer in comparison to English equivalents. Of course, as I wrote that part, I forgot to factor in Ireland and Scotland, but, whatever. The main point I made was that the strip club I went to in Niagara Falls City in Canada housed some of the hottest strippers I've ever seen, and they did some of the craziest shit I've ever seen strippers do. All for Loonies and Toonies. I've never been to a strip club in England, but I've been to many strip clubs, and the Sundowner Gentleman's Club is by far the best.
I Prefer a White Christmas
This was all about how Christmas in America is better than Christmas in Korea. I started off saying how superior white people are at celebrating Christmas, but I've since changed my mind. I'm a weird duck. I don't care about Christmas until December 24th or so. After that I am all about Rudolph, singing, Santa Claus, presents, candy canes and such. But I get depressed on December 26th when all the decorations come down. But it's now February and I'm still seeing Santas and reindeer. So Korea has the lazy festive thing down. Which makes me still feel like drinking egg nog.
Going to the Dentist is Like Confession
This compares getting your teeth cleaned to going to your local DDS. I always feel the need to lie, even though I know the dentist knows I'm full of shit. "Forgive me doctor, for I have sinned. It's been two years since my last confession. Since then, I've eaten a ton of candy. Sometimes I forget to brush my teeth when I'm really drunk. And the worst part? I never floss. Ever. I used to be so good, then something just happened."
Story About Paint Drying
That's all I wrote on my notebook. I thought it was pretty funny, but I have no idea what kind of story this is supposed to be. I might have been drunk when I wrote it. Writer's Note (that's me): I actually wrote this in my notebook THREE times. I must have really thought this was a hilarious story. I really wish I could remember just one solitary angle or joke. Sorry, Drunk KC.
Boonstra Defense
This kid wrote a couple of things, then managed to publish a homophobic rant. I hope the kid continues his writing, just not queer bashing. I don't see anything to snark at him for, since that was nearly a long time ago.
Sex and the City and Guys
Just like my man-purse, I tried to defend SATC (yes, I know the effing hip abbreviation for it) but I just can't do it without trading in my testes. Personally, I think the show is hilarious. Listening to girls joke about sex always cracks me up, and I imagine that's why Ashley Garmany is so funny to me. Upon meeting most female SATC fans, I always have something to talk about with them. Then I realized I'm the only guy I know who likes the show. And, yeah, a guy watching that show is pretty gay sounding. So don't tell anybody.