College Quotes
"Dating is the most useless and rotten attempt by completely worthless individuals to establish a faulty image for somebody they wish to impress in a desperate, neurotic need for attention. Unfortunately, these phony people actually impress each other and end up producing ugly, noisy, gargoyle-like children. The genetic deformities inherent in the hideous smiles of their children only indicate the fact that they, like their parents, have NO FUTURES."
-Wesley, on the usefulness of dating
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| Author | Comment | Article |
|---|---|---|
| Jason Lebowski | this made my day! | How to Make Your Pussy Taste and Smell Better |
| Anonymous | Comedy noir. I like it. | Apex Predator > Breakfast Bitch |
| Twinklebull | Miltown is in trouble if | How to Be a Drug Dealer |
| Twinklebull | "prescense"? Looks like a | How to Be a Drug Dealer |
| Fuck you (edited) | "Lady's man".... hah! | How to Make Your Pussy Taste and Smell Better |
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School: University of Cincinnati
Hometown: Loveland, OH
At a Glance:
Ashley is a recent college grad, attempting to navigate her way through the real world. Not to be confused with The Real World. She wishes there were that many drunk people, walking around naked at her job. It would make the day go by faster.Bio:
Ashley enjoys reading, writing and judging other people. Hobbies include knitting, croquet and stealing candy from babies. Likes: grilled cheese sandwiches, the song stylings of Lionel Richie and reality television. Dislikes: leggings, Chad Michael Murray and Canadian bacon.You can read about her daily life at ashleygarmany.com or catch her thoughtful musings via twitter: AshleyGarmany
Column:
The humbling account of one girl's journey through singledom as she pursues new adventures and relationships, yet always ends up fucking herself in the end.
It's a Right-Hander's World, I'm Just Living in It 4
, 4.5 
10 Things Customers Expect of You, The Person with a Shitty Job 5
, 4.7 Valentine's Day, Take Two 5
, 4.6 Tough Life Lessons from My Father 2
, 4.8 The Night My Car Got Towed and I Pissed the Living Room Floor 4
, 4.6 Happy 1-Year Anniversary, Self 7
, 4.4 Why Thanksgiving is My Favorite Holiday 2
, 4.3 Masturbation: A Love Story 4
, 4.4 America the Vaguely Beautiful, Part 2 2
, 4.5 America the Vaguely Beautiful, Part 1 0
, 4.3 Men: The Inferior Gender 36
, 4.2 Do Blondes Really Have More Fun? 9
, 4.1 LA-Bound: Onward and Acrossward 1
, 4.6 Back in the Saddle 5
, 4.5 A Ballad to Beer 4
, 4.8 How to Get Laid 53
, 4.0 The Womanly Freedoms of Summertime 4
, 3.7 Ashley's Celebrity "To Do" List 10
, 4.7 Ashley Goes to the Urologist 3
, 4.3 Long Distance Relationship Sex 4
, 4.8 The First Date Curse 14
, 4.4 Adventures in Airline Travel 8
, 4.9 Man Up, Ladies 9
, 4.2 Why I'm Never Having Kids 48
, 4.2 The Real World: Poorville 10
, 4.1 Lifetime Movie Titles: The Ashley Garmany Interpretation 8
, 4.0 My Bachelor's Degree in Bullshitting 13
, 4.3 Ashley Goes to the Gynecologist 9
, 4.4 Dear Diary: Here's What I Did on Valentine's Day 2
, 4.3 The Five Levels of Female Underwear Emergency 9
, 4.5 Pain is Beauty: The Tribulations of Being a Woman 11
, 4.2 How to Spot a Fake Orgasm 71
, 4.1 The Great Female Weight Debate 16
, 4.3 Very Merry Garmany Holiday Traditions 17
, 4.7
Comedy Articles:
White People Problems45 comments, 4.0 stars
Because white people have a 'Get Out of Jail Free' card for no other reason than our pasty skin, I always find it funny that we complain about everything. Here are five complaints.
What Your Starbucks Drink Order Says About You45 comments, 4.5 stars
I've worked at Starbucks now for the better part of four years, and over these years, I've developed what I call Starbucks ESP, which allows me to predict your order just by looking at you.
The Ashley Garmany Dating Questionnaire11 comments, 2.9 stars
In light of recent romantic failures, I've decided that every guy I meet and think I might want to go on a date with will be required to go through a screening process.
A Girl's Breast Friends19 comments, 4.2 stars
Ladies, in just a few short paragraphs, you will learn the tools necessary for utilizing your boobs to enhance every aspect of your life.
Comments:
- Haha, awesome Bill. - Mar 7, 2012
- Haha, wow. You sure know me! Yeah, I pretty much grew up with a silver spoon - Sep 3, 2011
- I know, right? I think I've heard that same comment before from every defense - Sep 1, 2011
- That's funny, cause last time Court watched me get head in public it was real - Aug 31, 2011
- J.E., for never having met myself or Andrei, you have a lot of irrational rag - Aug 31, 2011
- That's your opinion and you're welcome to it. I'm not going to argue with you - Aug 31, 2011
- Predictable male comment for a.) saying that asking to be treated like a huma - Aug 31, 2011
- My first rape threat. I'm going to print this out and frame it to one day sho - Jun 24, 2011
- This is why you demand head before you give it. Then it's win-win. - Jun 18, 2011
- The blow job comment was meant to emphasize how easily men are to manipulate - Jun 18, 2011
- Fortunately for me, my job description here doesn't involve having to give tw - Jun 16, 2011
- "You're your own reason as to why I would never fuck you." My heart is bre - Jun 16, 2011
- Every time I took a math exam and didn't understand the question (so basicall - Jun 15, 2011
- I want a Papa John's commercial where Papa John schools a group of pre-school - Jun 2, 2011
- The youth of the midwest are trying to appear to be anything other than the y - May 4, 2011
- Nate, you'd be surprised. But then again, I live in Cincinnati and I don't kn - May 4, 2011
- I wanna see the soiled bedsheets and the positive pregnancy test. - Apr 29, 2011
- Thanks for the kind comments, much appreciated. - Apr 26, 2011
- I once had to explain to my dad what "THO" meant. It was only mildly less awk - Apr 21, 2011
- Why, thank you sir. Also thank you Court for once again managing to find t - Apr 9, 2011
- Any amount of time would be considered a waste. For example, the 20 seconds i - Apr 5, 2011
- Yeah, that or I really didn't care enough to waste my time thinking of a witt - Apr 5, 2011
- No, Hope, right on! Dude, did you really just call having a baby as our " - Apr 5, 2011
- It's not that I don't like kids. I enjoy being around people that I'm taller - Apr 5, 2011
- Nate, "good economy" is an oxymoron to my graduating class. If you need any h - Mar 25, 2011
- Thanks for the comments, guys. As always, much appreciated. There is a si - Mar 23, 2011
- Consider yourself lucky, I slept with danger and got the clap. - Mar 15, 2011
- I was always attracted to Fred, but never Ben. Although I did love 'Boy Meets - Mar 14, 2011
- It's part of my job as a columnist to reply to readers comments, no matter ho - Mar 9, 2011
- A caramel latte does not come with caramel sauce unless you ask for it. By de - Mar 9, 2011
- That's because one is a syrup and one is a sauce. They are two different thin - Mar 6, 2011
- Well, I wanted New Car Smell, but I'm pretty sure he gave me Wild Cherry. Not - Feb 26, 2011
- Nothing says, "top of the morning to ya" like having someone stick a lubed up - Feb 25, 2011
- I'll trade you: your Lady Gaga emails for my emails asking if someone can sti - Feb 21, 2011
- BTW, eagerly awaiting parts 2 and 3, Casey. - Feb 8, 2011
- If you did, however, come here looking for semi-nude photos of Ashley Garmany - Feb 8, 2011
- "Maybe I'll end my quest if I find some female that isn't batshit stupid/insa - Feb 8, 2011
- Exactly. You all have big penises and are amazing in bed. Cool? We can all - Feb 8, 2011
- I like turtles. - Feb 7, 2011
- I originally planned on making this article longer, but Court told me I had t - Jan 27, 2011
- Hahaha, excellent use of that first picture Court. - Jan 18, 2011
- Also, I'm masturbating to everyone masturbating to me masturbating. Whoever f - Jan 12, 2011
- "Most Likely to Stab Someone in the Throat with a Ballpoint Pen in the Candle - Jan 11, 2011
- Hi Brent. I bow down, your white people problems are vastly superior to my - Jan 9, 2011
- Awesome article, Andrei! I've said it before, but I really do appreciate all - Jan 6, 2011
- This was actually initially written for NBC's 'The More You Know' campaign, b - Jan 4, 2011
- My current marathon goal isn't to finish the race in a specific time, but to - Jan 4, 2011
- Thanks Lo! I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize for that one nig - Dec 29, 2010
- Thanks Robert. Court is actually paying me in sexual favors. So I have to - Dec 25, 2010
- Gavin, I will happily fight to the death over Taylor Lautner. I will school y - Dec 25, 2010
- Nah, I just have better things to do with my time than to get into an argumen - Dec 24, 2010
- It's great, you should try it! - Dec 23, 2010
- Antidisestablismentarianism. Honorificabilitudinitatibus. Circumbilivaginat - Dec 21, 2010
- Khalil, why don't you give me a list of your approved topics so I know what I - Dec 19, 2010
- Don't worry Casey, you'll never have to worry about finding out which type of - Dec 17, 2010
- Anonymous, I feel pretty superior about myself. Not because I'm white, but be - Dec 17, 2010
- Nah, if it had been a Venn diagram, it would've been three circles: people wh - Dec 15, 2010
- Yeah, that chart took weeks of intensive research and several hours of PhotoS - Dec 15, 2010
- And what is this thing kids are doing now called "sexting"? In my day, we had - Dec 1, 2010
- Sophia, we can't all be as non-judgmental as you obviously are. - Dec 1, 2010
- I like when people leave anonymous, bitchy comments. Because it says, I activ - Nov 28, 2010
- Because we want your tip money. - Nov 23, 2010
- Andrei, I'm comfortable enough in my femininity to say sometimes, you just ne - Nov 22, 2010
- No worries, Robert. Vanilla bean frappuccinos are also very popular with blac - Nov 22, 2010
- In hindsight, I should've added the one drink that is the bane of every baris - Nov 22, 2010
- Damnit, beat to the punch again. And I must say, I could cut the homo-erot - Oct 28, 2010
- I was considering making a Halloween list of the Top 5 Sexiest Male Vampires - Oct 28, 2010
- Oooh, I forgot all about Jason Bateman being in Teen Wolf 2. Thanks for the r - Oct 28, 2010
- I'm a little disappointed that Michael J. Fox didn't make the list. Teen Wolf - Oct 27, 2010
- Andrei, I just now read this article and I must say that every single day of - Oct 26, 2010
- I have no tips to add because I have no penis, but I wanted to say the "paint - Oct 20, 2010
- Oddly enough, the only thing I find even remotely offensive in your comment i - Oct 20, 2010
- You're right. Underneath these big breasts beats a heart as big as these - Oct 17, 2010
- I think this will truly weed out the boys from the men. Or at least, it'll en - Oct 16, 2010
- Speaking of Mini Babybels. . .I once worked with this guy who was obsessed wi - Oct 5, 2010
- I will admit to having a gym pass. But that's only because my city's rec cent - Oct 5, 2010
- How did I not see this until just now? My Pikachu and I talked it over and - Sep 15, 2010
- I work at a coffee shop drive-thru as well, we'll call it Carfucks. Never bef - Sep 6, 2010
- Dude, if you're a girl, EVERY favorite thing to do at "blank" list is topped - Aug 15, 2010
- That's funny, I was actually just thinking that. I wrote a blog article simil - Aug 13, 2010
- My favorite is "Going Out of Business" sex. Like when you break up with someo - Aug 13, 2010
- My weekend started last night, I am now down to 5 extra hours of playing with - Aug 13, 2010
- I can't take credit for editing it, that was probably Court. I actually would - Apr 22, 2010
