Ashley Garmany

School

University of Cincinnati

Hometown

Loveland, OH

At a Glance

Ashley invented Post-Its.

Bio

Ashley enjoys reading, writing and judging other people (particularly people who excessively use hashtags). You can catch her thoughtful musings via twitter @AshleyGarmany.

Column




The humbling account of one girl's journey through singledom as she pursues new adventures and relationships, yet always ends up fucking herself in the end.

To High School Reunion, Or Not?

When I found out my reunion was coming up, you can imagine how unexcited I was by the prospect. I pictured warm beer, and an overwhelming sense of inadequacy.
Oct 7, 2013

My Highs and Lows in Ohio

I'm currently high on Percocet while writing on a brand new computer that I still don't know how to use. You don't really need your gallbladder, right?
Jun 17, 2013

Songs to Have Sex To

A soundtrack to your night of sweaty, slick passion is the closest you're ever going to come to recreating that scene in Titanic when Kate and Leo bone in the car.
Mar 4, 2013

Why All Teenage Girls Shoplift

The need to shoplift is built into all teenage girls the same way the need to rebel against their mother is. Here are the three reasons why they're compelled to steal.
Feb 18, 2013

Ashley Answers "Fan Mail"

Going through my inbox, as I do every so often, I couldn't help but find myself being touched by some of the comments from psychos, actual fans, and foreign robots.
Jan 23, 2013

PIC Presents: Drunk Holiday Song Meanings

As an avid carol enthusiast, I’ve always taken great pleasure in not only listening to my favorite jolly tunes but getting down to the real nitty gritty of each song.
Dec 23, 2012

Hollyweird: The Cold Truth about LA

I've learned a lot since I've been in LA and I feel it's my duty to all you dreamers to tell you the truth about life here. To crush all your desires and aspirations.
Dec 15, 2012

How to Get a Guy to Do Anything for You

I find that getting other people to do stuff for me is vastly more rewarding than doing it myself. And because they need to show off, men are easy targets to do crap for you.
Sep 27, 2012

An Open Letter to Kristen Stewart

Hey girl, I wanted to sit down and chat over a cup of coffee but for some reason you aren't returning my phone calls. Listen, you cheated. I get it, I understand.
Jul 31, 2012

Love Means Never Having to Get Yourself Off

Well, ladies and gentlemen, the impossible has happened: I'm in love. Yes, in love. With a man. Not a battery-operated device and not my Taylor Lautner cardboard cut-out.
Jul 4, 2012

Life in Los Angeles

Most conceptions people have about living in Hollywood aren't far off. Perhaps it's the Midwesterner in me, but I'm still surprised when someone turns out to be a complete douche.
Jun 20, 2012

It's a Right-Hander's World, I'm Just Living in It

As a left-hander, there is a definite difference in lifestyle than I imagine right-handed people experience. Plus left-handers are often subject to shame and mockery.
Mar 9, 2012

10 Things Customers Expect of You, The Person with a Shitty Job

As you prepare yourself for a career in customer service after graduation, I want to help put you into the mindset of the wonderful consumers you're about to encounter regularly.
Feb 24, 2012

Valentine's Day, Take Two

In hindsight, somehow relating every circumstance in the world back to Stephenie Meyer's epic saga is probably a lot less impressive than I think it is.
Feb 13, 2012

Tough Life Lessons from My Father

My father followed the old school methods of parenting, such as the "Walk It Off" Method or the "You Want Something To Cry About? I'll Give You Something To Cry About" Method.
Feb 2, 2012

The Night My Car Got Towed and I Pissed the Living Room Floor

Just because it's a '91 Toyota Tercel doesn't mean it isn't worth fighting for, and eventually pissing over, literally.
Jan 11, 2012

Happy 1-Year Anniversary, Self

I can hardly believe it, but Christmas day marks the one year anniversary of "Sexual Solitaire." While looking through the past 28 columns, I jotted down some titillating items of interest.
Dec 8, 2011

Why Thanksgiving is My Favorite Holiday

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because there's little to no religious connotation attached to it, yet it holds a certain special place within all of us.
Nov 11, 2011

Masturbation: A Love Story

Some college kids get peer pressured into drinking and drugs; I got peer pressured into masturbating. It wasn't until I was almost 21 that I threw caution to the wind and played the clitar.
Oct 10, 2011

America the Vaguely Beautiful, Part 2

The harrowing conclusion to my excursion across this great land of ours as I make my way from Cincinnati, Ohio to Los Angeles, California.
Sep 23, 2011

America the Vaguely Beautiful, Part 1

I am currently in the process of moving across the country from Cincinnati to Los Angeles, and wow, is the United States boring. In an attempt to entertain myself, I have been keeping a log of my travels.
Sep 9, 2011

Men: The Inferior Gender

I have a strong dislike for the male gender as a whole. They smell, they make stupid comments, and they're inexplicably self-confident for no good reason.
Aug 31, 2011

Do Blondes Really Have More Fun?

Ladies and gentlemen, I have a secret. I have been living a lie for years now and I think it's about time I told you the truth. I am not a natural brunette. The carpets don't match the drapes.
Aug 22, 2011

LA-Bound: Onward and Acrossward

If you thought regular moving was a pain in the ass, try a 2,000+ mile move. At thsi point I'm just trying to get to my actual move date without having a nervous breakdown.
Aug 15, 2011

Back in the Saddle

As shocking as this may sound, I am once again a single woman. I did, however, hit a new personal best at the longest amount of time I've spent in a relationship: five months.
Jul 15, 2011

A Ballad to Beer

Oh shiny silver courage-in-a-can // So majestic, moist and bright // You keep my body cool and free // On a humid summer’s night.
Jun 24, 2011

How to Get Laid

Guys, I'm going to save you a lot of time on your ongoing quest to plow some fields. No longer will you have to plan on how to get into that girl's pants. I'm here to lay it all out for you.
Jun 15, 2011

The Womanly Freedoms of Summertime

I love summertime. The pool, the sun, the free pass to weary slutty clothes and not be judged for it... summer just allows so much more freedom for girls.
Jun 7, 2011

Ashley's Celebrity "To Do" List

Every year around this time, I like to put together a 'to do' list, of sorts. Basically, it's a list of celebrities that I would do, no questions asked. This year's are more distinguished than previous ones.
Jun 1, 2011

Ashley Goes to the Urologist

I piss. A LOT. Finally, I was sick of the jokes, the ass chaffage from continual wiping, the hand dryness from repeatedly washing and drying them.
May 23, 2011

Long Distance Relationship Sex

Being in a long distance relationship is a lot of work. Especially for a lazy girl like me, who likes doing the bare minimum just to get by in every other aspect in life.
May 13, 2011

The First Date Curse

People have said to me, numerous times, that my standards are too high. I beg to differ. I can't help it that 98% of the men I've gone out with just weren't up to par.
May 4, 2011

Adventures in Airline Travel

From the time you enter the terminal to the moment you plop down in the plane itself, you go from feeling confused, to sexually violated, to utterly exhausted.
Apr 20, 2011

Man Up, Ladies

What if I could somehow incorporate a man's apathy towards the opinion of others with a woman's manipulation techniques?
Apr 8, 2011

Why I'm Never Having Kids

I made up my mind long ago that a) I have no desire to get married and b) I don't want children. It's one thing for a man to say this; it's entirely another thing for a woman to say this.
Apr 1, 2011

The Real World: Poorville

I'm going to let you in on a little secret: the real world sucks. Another secret: I am poorer now than I ever was in college. Here are some pointers I wish someone had told me while I was still in school.
Mar 22, 2011

Lifetime Movie Titles: The Ashley Garmany Interpretation

A Lifetime Original Movie is a lot like a car wreck: you know you shouldn't be looking at it and you'd never admit it to anyone, but you can't tear your eyes off it out of sheer morbid curiosity.
Mar 13, 2011

My Bachelor's Degree in Bullshitting

The most important thing I learned in college is the art of bullshitting. Never in my life have I acquired a skill that proved to be so incredibly useful in the real world.
Mar 4, 2011

Ashley Goes to the Gynecologist

What exactly does a visit to the gyno entail? Basically, the doctor sticks this thing called a speculum inside your hoo-haa. Then things only get more awkward from there.
Feb 24, 2011

Dear Diary: Here's What I Did on Valentine's Day

Dear Diary, I didn't find the love of my life on February 13th. So now I've decided to give you a little play-by-play of my actual Valentine's Day as a poor single girl.
Feb 11, 2011

The Five Levels of Female Underwear Emergency

I've begun gauging how long I have left before I have to do laundry based on the type of underwear I'm wearing. Out of 5 levels, if US were on a Level 4, all domestic flights would be grounded.
Feb 2, 2011

Pain is Beauty: The Tribulations of Being a Woman

Being a woman is hard work. Seriously. The upkeep and maintenance required of women is not only psychologically trying, sometimes it's just downright torture.
Jan 26, 2011

How to Spot a Fake Orgasm

Guys, I'm going to help you out here. I'm going to go against Woman Code and tell you how to spot a fake orgasm using three dead giveaway clues from your girl.
Jan 17, 2011

The Great Female Weight Debate

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. We're ladylike enough not to complain about your penis, so be gentlemanly enough to not complain that your woman doesn't look like Marissa Miller.
Jan 4, 2011

Very Merry Garmany Holiday Traditions

As I've grown up, I've developed my own set of traditions that I like to honor every year. I want to share these with you now, in hopes that you too will include them in your festivities.
Dec 25, 2010

Comedy Articles


White People Problems
Because white people have a 'Get Out of Jail Free' card for no other reason than our pasty skin, I always find it funny that we complain about everything. Here are five complaints.
Dec 14, 2010


What Your Starbucks Drink Order Says About You
I've worked at Starbucks now for the better part of four years, and over these years, I've developed what I call Starbucks ESP, which allows me to predict your order just by looking at you.
Nov 22, 2010


The Ashley Garmany Dating Questionnaire
In light of recent romantic failures, I've decided that every guy I meet and think I might want to go on a date with will be required to go through a screening process.
Oct 15, 2010


A Girl's Breast Friends
Ladies, in just a few short paragraphs, you will learn the tools necessary for utilizing your boobs to enhance every aspect of your life.
Apr 20, 2010