Anyone who reads my column on a consistent basis knows a few things about me: first, I whole-heartedly believe that women are the superior gender. By far. Second, I don't think men are really useful for anything other than their penises (when they know how to use it—and let's be real, most don't) and for lifting heavy objects. And finally, I'm lazy. Like, really lazy. Lazy to the point that if it were at all socially acceptable, I would be one of those morbidly obese people who doesn't do anything but lie in bed all day and eat and eat and eat and then have to have a couple walls in their home removed so a crane can lift their dead lifeless corpse away while the entire neighborhood looks on.

Woman manipulates manOh great, now I want a cupcake.

Anyway, with this in mind, it's probably no surprise to you that I do everything in my power to not actually do anything at all. You know the expression, "Those who can't do, teach"? Well, it's also true that those who don't want to do, get someone else to do for them and then take all the credit. I find that getting other people to do stuff for me is vastly more rewarding than doing any of it myself. Because of their innate need to show off and impress, men are easy targets to do crap for you. They also have this weird belief that sex is always a possibility, thus they're easily fooled by anything with breasts and a vagina.

Here's a few of my top methods, ladies.

1. Compliment them on their physical strength.

Men like to be reminded that they're physically strong. It has something to do with cavemen and fast cars and Bruce Willis. I don't know, I don't actually listen when men talk. I sort of zone out and start thinking about all the better things I could be doing with my time other than sitting there listening to a man talk. You know, like, writing this column or reconfiguring my hard drive or doing absolutely anything else possible.

One time I continued making requests and demands for days past my period just to see if they noticed. They didn't. But when I have something I need done that involves physical labor, I know a male is the perfect go-to to do it for me. Opening a jar, hanging a picture, moving a bookcase—these are all things I can and have done for myself; however, they're time consuming and I could be re-watching Twilight again for the 2,489th time instead.

So ladies, give it a half-assed attempt and then, sighing in mock defeat, hand it off to a guy to actually finish. While they're busy congratulating themselves on a job well done, thinking what a delicate flower you are, crack open that second beer and relish in the truth: we are and always will be the better sex.

2. Mention your period.

There's a reason why this is a stereotype: because it's foolproof. When I'm on my period, I like to see how much shit I can get my three male roommates to do for me. My favorite thing to do during this time is to lie on the couch in all my crampy, menstrually glory and see how close an object is to me before they finally refuse to hand to me. I once got my roommate Matt to hand me a remote that was literally within two inches of me. I do this not because I'm manipulative and cruel, but because I want them to feel an ounce of the pain and constant irritability I feel for a full consecutive seven days out of every month. So, you see, really it's for their own benefit.

One time I continued making requests and demands for days past my period just to see if they noticed. They didn't. They just thought I was on my period for twenty days straight. You see, men don't know a thing about women's bodies, nor will they ever have the desire to learn (which is funny considering they LOVE making decisions on our healthcare for us, but that's another article entirely).

Basically, if you ever want to get a guy to do something for you, just start mentioning words like "uterine lining" and "vulva." They'll do whatever you ask just to get you to shut up because they'll think you're just a poor, helpless female, when really you just scammed them into going to the store to buy you chocolate and ice cream so you can stay home, watch porn, and get yourself off (since they probably can't do it for you).

3. Cry.

Another classic gem. If there's one thing men can't handle, aside from menstruation talk, it's a woman crying. Now, I'll be the first to admit that men and women are biologically different; women are more emotional while men are more logical. At least, lets what we let them think. Case in point, my roommates thinking I was on my period for almost an entire month. Now let's be logical: anything that bled for that long continuously would be dead, you assholes. Now shut up and go make me a sandwich.

Seriously though, girls, just cry. Over anything and everything. You might get a reputation for being a cryer, which by male standards makes you appear weak, but it will make them so incredibly uncomfortable that they will do anything you ask.

If you're a man reading this, you're probably thinking I'm wrong and that no woman has ever been able to manipulate you. You also probably think no woman has ever faked an orgasm with you. Well, you're wrong. On both accounts. In fact, I just manipulated you into reading this article because I knew the title would enrage you so much that you'd click on the link. That's not even me being a woman, that's just me being clever. Like when I was arguing with some guy about this very subject, the ability to get a man to do anything for me, he vehemently disagreed and claimed no woman has ever gotten him to do anything for her. However, while he was in the middle of making some point (I'm not sure what it was, I wasn't listening), I asked him to hold my purse for me because it was heavy. He took it and then continued on with his argument without realizing what had just occurred.

You're probably thinking my logic here is ass-backward, that I'm just furthering the stereotype that women are weak and need men to do everything for them. I'm okay with that, because I know the facts: while you may be able to lift heavy objects with ease, I can create life within myself, carry it for nine months, and then shove a 10-pound human being out of a 10cm-dilated hole in my body. I WIN ALWAYS.