Christmas song microphone

I love the holidays; the presents, the lights, the spirit of the season, the getting hammered on eggnog and telling your best friend that her boyfriend is a huge douchebag and that yes, those pants really do make her ass look huge and no, you weren't being entirely truthful when you told her that that night in college during your sophomore year when you both got blackout drunk and woke up the next morning with no pants on, nothing happened between the two of you.

But I digress.

My favorite thing about the holiday season is the music. I love Christmas music so much, sometimes I find myself listening to it in the solace of my car on a humid July day just because it brings me so much joy.

As an avid carol enthusiast, I've always taken great pleasure in not only listening to my favorite jolly tunes but getting down to the real nitty gritty of each song. You know, the stories behind the music. That's why this year, I volunteered* to be the one who binge drinks** herself into a mild*** case of alcohol poisoning and helps translate for you the true meaning of these beloved holiday classics****.

*Forced myself and my idea onto editor Court at the company Christmas party
**aka same amount of booze I drink every night

"I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas"

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
With every Christmas card I write
May your days be merry and bright
And may all your Christmases be white

Meaning: Cocaine. Gutter glitter. Blow. Lady snow. I mean, really, could Bing Crosby have been any more obvious? Who doesn't need a little chemically-induced motivation to spend a full 24 hours with their family? If I could remember the past five Christmases I've spent with mine, I'd go into more detail here. As it is, the coke, fortunately, has blocked out all of those memories.

"All I Want for Christmas is You"

I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you
‘Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding onto me so tight
What more can I do?
All I want for Christmas is you

Meaning: This is a textbook case of a co-dependent relationship. Really though, I don't care how much I was in love with a person, I don't just want them for Christmas. I might lie and say I do, but if you don't get some jewelry or a nice blouse or even a gift card, I will smother you in your sleep with a pillow as soon as look at you. Furthermore, anyone who tells you that all they want for Christmas is you… well that should set off a few red lights. Seriously, get out while you can or you're going to find yourself the subject of one of those 48 Hour investigation specials where the crazy, jealous boyfriend/girlfriend goes Glenn Close ala Fatal Attraction and tries to off you in a bath tub.

"Baby, It's Cold Outside" (male lyrics italicized)

The neighbors might think
Baby it's bad out there
Say… what's in this drink?
No cabs to be had out there
I simply must go
But baby it's cold outside
The answer is no
But baby it's cold outside

Meaning: Date rape. Clearly, when a guy invites a chick over to his house, roofies her drink, and then refuses to let her leave under the guise that it's too cold out…he's trying to get some poo-tang. At least, those are my intentions when I invite a guy over to my house, roofie his drink, and then refuse to let him leave under the guise that it's too cold out.

(Coincidentally, Andrei also wrote about this at the same time…)

"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"

All of the other reindeer
Use to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games

Meaning: Systematic bullying. Add about fifteen pounds and some braces, and I was Rudolph in high school. Growing up, I always sympathized with Rudy because I felt like he and I were very similar in many ways; we both had red noses (his from a birth defect, mine from adolescent onset acne), we both spent most of our time playing with ourselves (him, figuratively; me, literally), and we both hung out with short gay men who wanted to be dentists when they grew up. Okay, that last one's a lie, but you get my point.

As you can see, Christmas carols have much deeper meanings than we give them credit for. Underneath the cheer and the merriment lurks a life lesson for us all. Or at least I think so, I don't know. I finished off my drink about fifteen minutes ago and everything's been pretty hazy since then. (And by drink I mean "bottle of bottom shelf vodka I purchased at Joe's Liquor Mart down the street, stuck a straw in, and somehow wound up with my top off.")