My dearest Kristen Stewart,

Hey girl, I wanted to sit down and chat over a cup of coffee but for some reason you aren't returning my phone calls. And, you know, there's also the issue of that pesky restraining order. (Jesus, you try to sneak into someone's house at night to cut off a lock of their hair ONE TIME and suddenly you're labeled a danger to society.) Anyway, I know you're going through a lot right now and I wanted to help you get through this difficult time.

Kristen Stewart wavingYou cheated. I get it, I understand. I'm not saying it's right, but shit happens. Like that time last year when I had to pee really badly at the grocery store and the bathrooms were closed for cleaning and it got to the point where I could physically no longer hold it in and I ended up peeing my pants in the Kroger parking lot next to a Ford Windstar mini-van while a 5-year-old kid in a car seat looked on. Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you piss your pants in front of a young child outside of a supermarket. Like I said, I get it.

I'm not going to call you a whore or a slut or a skank, as I only reserve those terms of endearment for my closest of friends (as I hope we can one day be). Also, as a woman, I don't believe in slut-shaming someone I don't feel deserves it (*cough*Tiger Woods*cough*). But I don't know why you cheated, especially with Rupert Sanders or whatever the guy's name is. If you're going to cheat on Robert Pattinson, at least bang a director with some clout. I would accept Steven Spielberg, Woody Allen, Ron Howard, and even, God help me, Ben Affleck. And I truly don't understand how you could cheat on him with anyone other than Taylor Lautner, because, I mean, look at those abs:

Taylor Lautner's abs

I could grate cheese on those things and then wash my unmentionables on them afterwards. And look at those arms! I bet those would feel magnificent wrapped around you on a cold winter's night as the snow falls gently out— wait, where was I going with this? Oh, Robert Pattinson.

Again, I don't know Robert Pattinson on a personal level. All I really know about him is that he's funny and he enjoys partaking in the occasional alcoholic beverage and blunt. In my book, that's pretty much the perfect boyfriend because he'll always make you laugh and he'll always have vodka on hand. (In fact, by those standards, my current boyfriend pretty much is Robert Pattinson. Minus a couple million dollars.) Judging from your press release, in which you declared your love for RPattz and apologized, I'm sure you realize what a mistake you truly made so I don't really need to tell you any of this.

KStew, I'm not condoning cheating. Especially when there are children involved (as the guy you banged is married with two children). Cheating sucks and it's a really shitty thing to do to someone. And the fact that you were basically doing it in such a public place, I almost believe you wanted to get caught. Why? I don't know, but dude…really?

Kristen Stewart caught cheating with Rupert

That is some serious penis-to-ass action there that has me believing this wasn't a one-time thing, as you claim.

Krissy, get your shit together. You're young, so you're going to make mistakes. Unfortunately, you're famous, so your mistakes are apt to be scrutinized by media outlets and crazy teenage girls who believe you and Robert are destined for each other. I don't envy you. Had my early 20's been a source for tabloid fodder, every magazine cover would've looked like this:

Blonde Ashley Garmany

Truly one of my finer (and blonder) moments.

Or this:

Ashley Garmany with boobs

See? Class all the way.

When you're ready to talk, I'm here for you. I've got a 12-pack of Tecate and some sweet herb with your name written all over it. Until then, enjoy this not-at-all-creepy-or-lesbianic Paint manipulation I made of the two of us when I was drunk and lonely one night:

Ashley Garmany and Kristen Stewart kissing

Yours truly,
Ashley Garmany

Join comedy classes at The Second City: Writing Satire for the Internet, Sketch Writing, and Writing for TV & Film start Feb 29. Use code "PIC" for 10% off by phone.